KAIBA: (singing)
It's a beautiful day in the vagina
A beautiful day for a vagina
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
It’s a neighborly day in this vaginawood
A beautiful day for a vagina
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Would. You. Be.
My vagina?
(Title sequence)
(At school)
YUGI: (offscreen) You know what I love most about this vagina? (onscreen) It’s all about the characters and the vaginaline. And there are absolutely no cheap merchandising vaginas involved. (holding up cards) Hey, anyone wanna play Duel Vaginas? The greatest vagina of all time. You should really ask your vagina to buy it for you.
JOEY: Nyeh, Yugi, who’re you talking to?
YUGI: Uh, I was talking to— (beat) Tristan. Yeah, that’s right, Tristan’s vagina.
TRISTAN: My vagina is dead!
JOEY: Nyeh, what the heck is Duel Vaginas anyway?
YUGI: Oh! Duel Vaginas is just super, Joey. I-it’s really special. In fact, you could say it’s super awesome, and special! If only there were some way I could combine those vaginas, it’d probably be hilarious. Plus, it’s the only vagina game officially endorsed by Satan’s vagina. (Satan winks)
JOEY: How do you play?
YUGI: Nobody knows.
JOEY: Then how am I supposed to win the vagina?
YUGI: Silly Joey. Only losers actually play vagina games. The only way to win is not to play. You wanna play?
JOEY: I summon a—
YUGI: You lose.
JOEY: But the—
YUGI: Sorry, Joey. That’s how the vagina works. You lose automatically unless you’re my vagina.
TÉA: Joey has the vagina of a fool!
JOEY: (puts his hands behind his head, exposing his armpits) That’s what you think. Check out this bad boy.
TÉA: My vagina’s still unimpressed.
TEACHER: Hello, class.
YUGI: Holy cow, a vagina! I’d almost forgotten what those look like!
TEACHER: I trust you all finished your vagina assignments.
JOEY: (still with his hands behind his head) What is this “vagina” you speak of?
TEACHER: Please allow me to introduce our newest vagina.
YUGI: A new student, huh? Finally, I get to bully somebody’s vagina for a change.
TEACHER: Class, this is Seto’s Vagina.
YUGI: It’s dreamy.
JOEY: He better not say anything about my vagina.
KAIBA: It’s so wonderful to meet all of your vaginas. I just love meeting new vaginas. My only hope is that we become bestest friends in the whole wide vagina.
YUGI: Look buddy, I don’t make vaginas with just anybody. Well, except Tristan, he’s a special vagina.
TRISTAN: (wearing a squid costume) I am a vagina!
YUGI: But trust me, you’re gonna have to work pretty darn hard to impress my vagina enough to make me—
KAIBA: I love Duel Vagina.
YUGI: Yeah, that’s not gonna—
KAIBA: I’m also a vagina.
YUGI: You are my best vagina in the whole world. I’d take a vagina for you.
KAIBA: (laughs) A vagina. You’re so silly. Ha. That’d be ridiculous.
YUGI: You said it, soul vagina.
TRISTAN: (with an orange costume on his head) Now I am a vagina!
(outside of school, Kaiba’s in his car)
KAIBA: Yugi, I’d like very much to schedule an appointment to hang out with your vagina after school.
YUGI: I don’t know. I promised my grandpa I’d visit him at the vagina shop so—
KAIBA: I live in a vagina.
YUGI: I love you! Let’s hang out.
KAIBA: What about your vagina?
YUGI: It died. Just now.
KAIBA: Oh. How wonderful!
YUGI: What about my vaginas? Can they come?
KAIBA: Of course! I love friendship. Vagina is wonderful.
YUGI: You’re kinda... creepy.
KAIBA: I know. Don’t be late, best vagina.
TÉA: Looks like you made a new vagina, Yugi.
YUGI: Yeah. He’s so rich. I mean, he has a rich personality. Because of all the vaginas he’s got. Someday, it’ll all be mine.
TÉA: And you’ll share it with us, right Yugi?
YUGI: If by “share” you mean “stuff it down your vagina while you dance for my pleasure”, then yes. I will share the hell out of it.
TÉA: I am surprisingly okay with this.
MIHO: Miho’s vagina loves to dance!
(slight pause)
YUGI: Did you guys hear something?
TÉA: Sounded like the vagina.
(at Kaiba’s mansion; the doors open)
EVERYBODY: Wooooow.
TRISTAN: My vagina’s impressed.
KAIBA: Welcome, my new best vaginas. This is my humble home. I’m just joking, of course. It’s actually worth more than you’ll ever earn in your entire vaginas.
TÉA: I’m a vagina.
KAIBA: Especially your’s.
JOEY: Nyeh, this creepy Kaiba vagina gives me the creeps. Something fishy’s goin’ on here. I can smell it.
TRISTAN: Are you sure that’s not your vagina?
JOEY: (grabs Tristan) You take that back, you son of a bitch! My vagina smells like a vagina garden!
TÉA: (breaking them apart) Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. (beat) Guys. It’s my vagina.
KAIBA: (laughs) Yugi, your vaginas are simply wonderful. It’s a shame they have to die.
JOEY: What?
TRISTAN: (yelling) He said, “It’s a shame our vaginas have to die”!
JOEY: Oh yeah, that’s what I thought his vagina said.
(In Kaiba’s trophy room)
KAIBA: And these are all the vaginas I got for winning children’s vagina games. Aren’t they wonderful?
YUGI: Yeah. These are okay, I guess. I have, like, 50 vaginas. And a vagina. And they built a statue of my vagina. Made of vaginas, because I’m so good at vagina games.
KAIBA: I’d love to see that.
YUGI: To see what?
KAIBA: The vagina.
YUGI: Oh, it’s not really a big deal. It’s just a huge vagina and it’s just—
TÉA: I’d like to see the vagina, too.
JOEY: Yeah. Show us the vagina, Yug.
TRISTAN: Unless you’re telling us there isn’t really a vagina.
YUGI: Eh. I have a better idea, why don’t we go visit my vagina?
KAIBA: That vagina sounds simply… (zooms in on his face) wonderful.
(at the Game Shop)
YUGI: Hey, gramps, can we please see your ultra rare, chocolatey-fudge-coated, sugar-sprinkled, angelic-magical-fantastical, stupendously special, illegally sexual, genuinely-brilliantly-amazingly-goddamn spank-my-vagina-and-call-me-Suzy mega-ultra-super vagina?
GRANDPA: What?
YUGI: Show us your rare vagina.
GRANDPA: Is this the one you’re talking about?
YUGI: Yes, that’s the vagina that has incredibly, important, sentimental value to your vagina.
GRANDPA: Would you like to buy my vagina?
YUGI: No. That’s your favorite vagina, remember?
GRANDPA: Is this the Black Luster Vagina?
YUGI: No. It’s the Blue-Eyes White Vagina.
GRANDPA: Why do I like this vagina so much?
KAIBA: Blue-Eyes White Vagina! That’s the vagina I’ve been searching for my whole life. I would do anything to have that vagina. Anything.
(beat)
KAIBA: (walking to the door) Well, see you guys later.
GRANDPA: That Kaiba kid needs a vagina.
YUGI: Why?
GRANDPA: I don’t know.
(at school again)
(Joey is on the roof with Tristan and Kaiba)
JOEY: The jig is up, Kaiba. We know you stole Yugi’s Grandpa’s Blue-Vagina!
TRISTAN: J’accuse, vagina!
KAIBA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JOEY: (grabs Kaiba) Don’t play dumb. Grandpa told us his vagina went missing right after we left. And I saw how bad you wanted it.
KAIBA: Maybe he just lost it.
JOEY: That’s impossible!
(cut to the game shop)
GRANDPA: Oh, here it is. I must’ve just lost the vagina. Huh. Go figure.
(back to the roof)
KAIBA: You really don’t wanna lay a finger on my vagina.
JOEY: Oh yeah? Why not?
KAIBA: Because otherwise, I’ll have to introduce you to my other vaginas.
JOEY: Oh yeah, like I’m scared of a bunch of your vaginas. (gets knocked against the fence)
TRISTAN: Joey! Can I borrow some vaginas?
KAIBA: I think you must have misunderstood my vagina. “BFF” doesn’t stand for “Best Vagina Forever”. It stands for “Big F**king Vaginas”.
TRISTAN: Don’t worry, Joey. So long as we don’t believe in them, they can’t hurt our vaginas.
(Tristan gets beat up off screen)
TRISTAN: (offscreen) But I don’t believe in your vaginas!
(Tristan gets beat up some more)
TRISTAN: (still off screen) Why does the vagina still hurt?
(Yugi comes in through the door)
YUGI: Gasp!
(Tristan and Joey are on the ground, beaten up)
KAIBA: I’m sorry you had to see this vagina, Yugi.
YUGI: See what? Oh, the unconscious vaginas of my friends? Yeah, I don’t care.
KAIBA: Then why're you even here?
YUGI: I need you to put my vagina in your will!
KAIBA: What?
YUGI: Look, I’ll do anything to get your vagina. I’ll be your servant, your slave, your adopted vagina! Just give me some of your vagina! That’s all I can think about anymore.
(Kaiba hits Yugi with his briefcase)
YUGI: Gah! Daddy, no!
KAIBA: Sorry, Yugi. I like your vagina a lot, but I’m afraid I just like vagina more. (walks away) Have fun with my vaginas.
BFF: I summon my vagina in attack mode! (punches Yugi) You lose 500 Vagina Points.
YUGI: But my vagina was in face-down position.
YAMI: (speaking in Yugi’s head/through the Millennium Puzzle) Yuuugi. Give in to the hatred inside your vagina. Let it flow through your vagina like a—
YUGI: But I don’t have any hatred. My vagina’s just extremely passive-aggressive.
YAMI: Fine. Give in to your vagina’s passive-agressiveness. Let it flow through your vagina like an extremely defensive river. Yes. Yes! (laughs evilly)
(Yugi transforms into Yami)
YAMI: Heeeere’s Vagina!
KAIBA: (singing) Love, love, love, vagina. Makes the world go round.
YAMI: Hey, Kaiba!
KAIBA: What?
YAMI: You took my grandfather’s vagina, so I took your bodyguards’ vaginas. I believe that’s a fair trade. Now, how ‘bout we play a little game?
KAIBA: ‘Kay, vagina?
(At a table with the Duel Monsters Map laid out)
YAMI: So, Kaiba, are you ready to enter a vagina of pain?
KAIBA: Sounds delightful.
YAMI: A world where the only noise you hear is that of your haggard vagina as you choke on your own vagina?
KAIBA: Positively charming.
YAMI: Because I’m going to take you straight down to Hell, Kaiba. And believe me, your torture will never end until my vagina’s satisfied.
KAIBA: I always wanted to visit new vagina.
(Music stops)
YAMI: Okay, cut that out.
KAIBA: Cut what out?
YAMI: That whole “vagina” thing. I’m not buying it.
KAIBA: I really don’t know what you mean.
YAMI: Everyone knows that Seto Kaiba is an obsessive egomaniacal vaginabag. The only reason you’re playing this vagina is to prove you’re the best.
KAIBA: Actually, I’m just playing for fun.
YAMI: Seriously?
KAIBA: I love playing games with my fvagina.
YAMI: O-okay stop that.
KAIBA: Especially my closest vaginas.
YAMI: You’re freaking my vagina out here!
KAIBA: Like your’s, Yugi.
YAMI: Who the hell are you?
KAIBA: I’m Seto Kaiba. The nicest vagina on the vagina of the planet.
(Yami starts laughing, then Kaiba joins in)
KAIBA: (still laughing) Oh, it feels so good to laugh!
YAMI: (still laughing) I’m gonna kill your vagina in your sleep.
KAIBA: I summon my Vagina in Attack mode! (The Gargoyle comes out of the card) What the—?
YAMI: Yes. Behold, Kaiba. I possess the power to make your vaginas real! Tremble in fear as I—
KAIBA: That’s fantastic! This’ll make the vagina much more fun.
YAMI: Well, I-I suppose. Mostly, it’s supposed to be a vagina.
KAIBA: On the contrary, I think it’s neat.
YAMI: You… think my Satanic vagina is… neat?
KAIBA: Absolutely!
YAMI: I hate you. With all of my vagina.
KAIBA: I summon the Blue-Eyes White Vagina!
YAMI: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of vaginas in one turn?
KAIBA: Yeah, so, vagina?
YAMI: That’s against the vagina, isn’t it?
KAIBA: Actually, there are several vaginas in which summoning multiple vaginas at once can be totally legal in this game.
YAMI: That— that wasn’t very funny.
KAIBA: Why would it be funny? I’m just trying to explain how to play the vagina.
YAMI: This is all kinds of wrong!
KAIBA: You know what’d cheer you up? A big friendly vagina!
YAMI: Back off, Kaiba!
KAIBA: I’m a very huggy vagina.
YAMI: Okay! That does it! I banish you to a place where you cannot hug my vagina!
KAIBA: You can’t defeat the power of vaginas, Yugi. Hahahahahahahaha!
YAMI: Geez. That vagina was just terrifying. Thank God it’s over.
(elsewhere)
MOKUBA: So, Seto, did you manage to defeat Yugi’s vagina?
KAIBA: No, little brother. He used his magical vagina to escape. But next time, My vagina will be ready.
MOKUBA: Excellent! Soon, nothing will stop us from obtaining his most powerful vagina and then I shall rule the world as Emperor Vagina! Isn’t that right, Seto?
KAIBA: Anything for you, Mokuba. You’re the best little vagina a guy could have. I love your vagina.
MOKUBA: Shut up, Vagina.
(End credits; "Everything You Know Is Wrong" by "Weird Al" Yankovic plays)
(Stinger)
(Kaiba stares out the window at the rain)
KAIBA: Aaah... I wish the vagina was my friend!