Yami Marik Dissects "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Marik, Hugh Jackman, Gambit


YAMI MARIK: Hello everybody! It's me, your favorite psychopathic split personality, Yami Marik, also known as your worst nightmare created in the flesh. Have you ever read one of those Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfics where the author clearly has no friggin' clue about story structure whatsoever and they end up making me and the Pharaoh long lost brothers and then they completely forget to stick any card games into the plot? If so then you'll find "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" to be extremely familiar territory as it plays out precisely like a fanfic gone horribly wrong. I won't beat around the bush, but this film is B-A-D, bad. It's so butt numbingly awful that it makes crucifixion look like an appealing pastime. I love a good crucifixion as much as anybody else, but Wolverine gives me such awful mental sigmata that I can literally feel my inner child being sucker punched in the guts. It's like having Stan Lee come up to you and go "Hey, what's that over there?" and when you turn around to look he bends you over and shoves an hardback copy of Amazing Spider-Man straight up your rectum! I mean, they basically took every single cliched action movie and stuck the word mutant in front of the title and expected us to be impressed.

(The film poster from Rambo: First Blood - Part II appears)

YAMI MARIK:It's like they superimposed Hugh Jackman's face on to Sylvester Stallone's body in Mutant Rambo and hoped nobody would notice.

(A scene from the actual movie appears)

YAMI MARIK: Look everybody, it's a scene from Saving Mutant Private Ryan! Isn't that just exhilarating? But, of course, the viewer is never given enough time to notice the similarities because the characters spend about five minutes in each location before it is inevitably blown into several thousand pieces for no good reason! Hey, remember that scene in X-Men 2 where everything just exploded? Wasn't that the most memorable thing ever? Oh, wait, no, the reason people liked X-Men 2 was because it treated the characters with respect, rather than telling a story that's been ripped off from countless other films which star Steven Seagal. But let's talk about the characters, because every good movie needs some memorable characters.

(A portrait of Daniel Henney appears)

YAMI MARIK: Like this guy. Who the f*ck is this guy? I have no idea! I don't even remember him being in the movie! And that's probably because he was in it for five seconds, just like every other character that isn't played by Hugh Jackman. Seriously, every single freakin' mutant in this film serves only one purpose and that is to tell Hugh Jackman how to get from point A to point B so that he can repeat the process ad infinitum. Here is a typical scene from the movie:

HUGH JACKMAN (Voiced by Yami Marik): Hey, Gambit, I am Hugh Jackman. It sure was nice of you to cameo in my movie that is about me.

GAMBIT (Also voiced by Yami Marik): Hello Hugh Jackman, I am Gambit. My mutant power is the ability to have an accent that keeps randomly disappearing!

HUGH JACKMAN: Hey, could you tell me how to get to generic mutant location where there are mutants?

GAMBIT: I certainly can.

HUGH JACKMAN: Thank you. I'll be going now. HUGH JACKMAN AWAY!

YAMI MARIK: I didn't even notice that half of these people are actually mutants. One of them has the power that's like the ability to use Kung Fu or something. Since when did being proficient in martial arts become some sort of mutant power? Hey, I'm fairly good at playing hopscotch, I must be a f*ckin' mutant! And then there's this one character played by Ryan Reynolds that everybody seems to throw a hissy fit about because they raped him or something. Personally I think it would be rather amusing if somebody were to rape Ryan Reynolds, but that's beside the point. At the end of the film his character is given the powers of every single mutant in the whole friggin' movie. Although they taped his mouth shut so he couldn't use Gambit's amazing phony accent power. But he has these swords that come out of his arms just like Wolverine's claws! So I guess he not only gained a bunch of powers, he also grew these ridiculous sword shaped bones out of nowhere! I mean, Wolverine has claws growing from his hands! It makes sense! Why the hell would anybody develop sword-shaped bones!?

(An image of Baraka appears)

YAMI MARIK:There's a difference between being a mutant and being Baraka from Mortal Kombat. In fact in the final scene in the movie is essentially lifted straight out of his stage from Mortal Kombat! Except at least Mortal Kombat had a distinguishable plot and didn't make its characters invincible! Seriously, Hugh Jackman is like the friggin' Highlander or something. Everybody's trying to cut off his head even though it's never actually made clear if that would really work. In the first scene of the movie somebody ties him up and points a gun at his head and pulls the trigger and in the next scene he is just sitting there, chillaxing with Sabertooth. Why the hell should I care about him if he could probably survive being fired into the sun? Hell, browsing 4chan wouldn't even phase this guy! In summation, I wanted to throttle the crap out of this movie: it was stupid and everybody involved was stupid for getting involved with something so undeniably stupid. Oh, but hey, at least none of the lines come close to being as bad as "Do you know what happens to a Toad when it gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else." You wanna know who wrote that line? Joss Whedon. So I guess Dollhouse wasn't his first dismal failure. Thanks for listening, binky-boy! I'll see you in your nightmares! Toodles!

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