|← "Binary Sunseto"||#79: "YGO Kiwami"||"Roof Raph" →|
Running Time: 15:46
(cut to Joey running down an alley)
JOEY: Hey, guys, guess what I'm doing!
TÉA: This time... on popular Friends spin-off, Joey!
TRISTAN: Joey, stop running! There are bikers everywhere! If they see you traveling on foot, they'll attack you for displaying weakness.
JOEY: (stops running) What is that? (an Orichalcos soldier appears) I am Brooklyn confused. It's like regular confusion only more aggressive and in your face.
TRISTAN: It's so slow and avoidable! Let's run away in a panic!
TRISTAN: (at the same time) Tristan noises!
(they both start to run, but stop right away as a passing motorcyclist almost hits them)
MOTORCYCLIST: Hey, watch it! (turns right and speeds off) Good thing I'm riding a motorcycle, the safest vehicle in the-
(motorcyclist crashes into the soldier off-screen)
TRISTAN: I guess it wasn't that safe after all.
JOEY: Tristan, a man is dead.
TRISTAN: So just play Monster Reborn.
JOEY: He's gotta be in the Graveyard before we can do that.
TRISTAN: Oh, geez, you're right. How insensitive of me.
(cut back to alley, the soldier continues to chase Joey and Tristan)
TRISTAN: (at the same time) More Tristan noises!
JOEY: Screw this running crap, I'm gonna attack. (the soldier closes in on Joey) My Brooklyn accent gives me super strength! (he throws a punch, and the soldier disappears)
TRISTAN: Joey, no!
JOEY: It's fine Tristan, it's gone.
TRISTAN: Yes, but you had to steal my catchphrase to do it! Is nothing sacred to you?
(Valon appears on his motorcycle)
VALON: Sorry to burst your bollocks mates, but I've got a date with the attractive blonde.
JOEY: Leave Mai Valentine alone, you creep!
VALON: I wasn't talking about Mai. (turns his motorcycle around and speeds off)
JOEY: Nobody calls me attractive and gets away with it. (runs to a motorcycle)
TRISTAN: Joey, wait! He might've been talking about me.
JOEY: (gets on his motorcycle) It's a good thing every character in this show knows how to ride one of these for some reason. (he speeds off, leaving Tristan behind)
TRISTAN: No, Joey! I guess it's true what they say: You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself playing card games on motorcycles.
MOKUBA: (seeing Yami and Kaiba walking towards them) Yugi! Seto! You're back. Are you guys OK?
KAIBA: We were attacked by monsters and I crashed another plane. So you know, pretty average Friday.
YAMI: Wait, didn't we used to have more people in our group?
TÉA: Yeah, we used to hang out with Miho, but then the creators decided that one girl was enough.
YAMI: No, not that. Someone else. Someone cheerful and friendly who was always there for me.
KAIBA: What, like a pet dog or something?
REBECCA: You guys, Joey's gone!
KAIBA: Nailed it.
ARTHUR: Joey could be in serious danger. According to the local news, Dartz has summoned an army of Orichalcos soldiers the world over in order to harvest souls in preparation for the arrival of the Great Leviathan.
YAMI: Makes you wonder why he needs an army of bikers if he could've just done that the whole time.
DUKE: (SexyBack plays in background) Let's go save Joey. I'll drive.
KAIBA: Couldn't we just put up notices that say "Lost Dog. If found, call owner?"
YAMI: Kaiba, get in the trailer.
KAIBA: That is the single most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me.
(cut to Valon and Joey)
VALON: I've gotta admit, I'm impressed, Wheeler. I didn't reckon you'd be able to manage a bike without training wheels.
JOEY: Yeah, I know, I was surprised too. That's the first time I ever... I mean, motorcycles don't have training wheels. Obviously I knew that. Do they?
VALON: I suppose you'll be wanting to Duel me on account of you deluding yourself into thinking you can make Mai like you again. Newsflash wank-stain: she's WAY out of your league!
JOEY: Well, yeah, she's an adult woman and I'm in high school. And aside from that, what makes you think that she's in YOUR league? You had to freakin' brainwash her to even get her to talk to you!
VALON: Oh, here we go again. Look, gov, we didn't brainwash your bird. She came to us of her own volition. What makes you think we had to hijack her mind to do that?
JOEY: I don't know, maybe the fact that your entire plan revolves around brainwashing people or taking their souls? That tends to set off a few alarms.
VALON: Well, if you fancy being Mai's white knight, then by all means, let's Duel, dickhead. (activates his Chaos Duel Disk)
JOEY: You got it, pal. (activates his Duel Disk) And once I win, I'll prove that I was a better friend to Mai then you ever were. By not involving her in any of this and assuming she doesn't feel the way that she says she's feeling.
VALON: You're a prick.
(cut to truck and trailer driving through an alley)
MOKUBA: I've never ridden in a trailer before Seto. This is fun!
KAIBA: We must never speak of this to anyone.
(cut to Tristan, who is squaring off against another Orichalcos soldier)
TRISTAN: This looks like a job for Tristan Taylor, demon slayer!
YAMI: (offscreen) Go, Obnoxious Kill Stealing Guardian!
CELTIC GUARDIAN: That's a nice kill you've got there. It'd be a shame if someone stole it! (he punches the soldier and it disintegrates)
(Téa and Duke are now standing by Tristan)
TÉA: Tristan! How the hell did you get separated from the group?
TRISTAN: Beats me. A second ago, I was with you and then I was with Joey.
TÉA: It's like you teleported or something!
TRISTAN: Yeaaaah. Or something. (thinking) They must never know my mutant power.
(Yami and Rebecca join the group)
YAMI: OK, children, from now on, everybody uses the Buddy System. When I say "Go," I want you all to choose a buddy and form an everlasting and inseparable bond between them 'till death do you part. OK, go!
TÉA: I pick Duke.
TRISTAN: Aw, I wanted Duke!
REBECCA: I pick Yugi! But not the Yugi that isn't Yugi.
YAMI: And I pick Kaiba.
KAIBA: I don't need your stupid Buddy System. Not when I have my own buddy with me at all times. (walks off; Mokuba joins him)
MOKUBA: Tell 'em, bro.
KAIBA: I am of course talking about technology.
KAIBA: With KaibaCorp's advanced satellite tracking system, I know where all my buddies are at all times.
YAMI: How hard could it really be to find "no buddy"?
KAIBA: Nice one, Yugi. In fact, it was so nice that I'm just gonna take my satellite tracking system and leave without telling you where Joey is.
YAMI: Oh, come on, Kaiba. Let us use your expensive and highly invasive tech to find our stupid friend that you hate.
KAIBA: Oh, but how could my software possibly match up to the efficiency of the Buddy System? Later, Pot of Dweebs.
TÉA: Can't believe he wouldn't let us use his billions of dollars worth of software.
TRISTAN: What a dick.
(cut to Joey and Valon's Duel)
VALON: Have a gander at me first card! Psychic Armor Head!
JOEY: I don't think that's the-
JOEY: Oh, yeah? My alligator has a sword.
VALON: My robot suit allows me a bunch of advantages. For starters, my heads-up display gives me constant updates on what's happening in the Duel.
HEADS-UP DISPLAY: Hello, Valon. You are currently dueling Joey Wheeler.
VALON: You see? It just told me that I'm dueling you.
JOEY: Y-you mean you didn't know that already?
VALON: It also tells me the likelihood of you attacking me on your next turn.
HEADS-UP DISPLAY: Probability of opponent attacking: 100%.
JOEY: Why the heck would I attack you now that I know you made your last move assuming I would?
VALON: Oh, what, are you going to let the odds tell you what to do? Since when has that ever worked?
JOEY: (thinking) Valon's right. If I let the likelihood of success dictate my strategy, I wouldn't even have have the cards that are in my Deck. I just gotta go all-in and give it all I've got, like always! (speaking) Alligator's Sword! Attack his freakin' Life Points directly!
(Valon counters the attack of Alligator's Sword with a punch)
JOEY: Oh, man! If only I'd been given some kind of indication that it wouldn't have worked!
(Valon's armor vanishes at the end of the turn)
VALON: You're a muppet!
(cut back to trailer; Tristan, Yami, and Tea are standing outside of it)
TRISTAN: Oh, why are we just standing around? Joey's in danger! We gotta help him.
CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]
TEA: Tristan, you must chill. Rebecca's breaking into the KaibaCorp satellite system as we speak. She's an expert hacker so I'm sure she'll find Joey in no time.
(cut to inside of trailer; Rebecca is typing on a laptop)
(cut back outside; Duke joins)
TRISTAN: I don't care what she's doing. I refuse to chill.
TEA: But, Tristan, you MUST chill!
(cut back to Duel)
VALON: I suppose you'll be wondering why I signed on with Dartz and his lot.
JOEY: Not really, but I'm guessing there's a 100% probability that you're gonna tell me anyway.
VALON: Too right, mate. It were back in the day when I just a little sprug. (thinking) I swear, most of these words gotta be made up.
(flashback; cut to church with its bell ringing; Valon continues)
VALON: (speaking) Always dishing out lumps at some bitz's church when I learned a valuable lesson.
(cut to front of church sanctuary, where a younger Valon is sitting aside a nun on the steps)
NUN: Valon remember, whatever happens, you mustn't become an evil little sh*thead.
YOUNG VALON: All right mate.
(the church doors open; four thugs enter and walk towards them)
THUG: Sorry to interrupt, we're with the local Yakuza, and we'll be using this church for one of our super violent video game style fight scenes later.
NUN: Please, Majima-san. Last time, you somehow used one of our crucifixes as a makeshift baseball bat and broke all of our stained glass windows insisting you'd hit a home run.
THUG: Well, it beats Pachinko. (he pushes her to the ground)
YOUNG VALON: Try me on for size, you knob gobler!
NUN: (grabs Valon's arm and holds him back) Valon! You mustn't become an evil little s*h*thead.
VALON: (narrating) Me dad used to tell me I should always listen to random nuns. (cut to younger Valon and several other kids watching the church burning down) Unfortunately, it was kinda hard to hear what she was saying over the sounds of her church burning to the ground. (Valon becomes furious)
THUG: (alongside the kids singing) Root, root, root for the home team. If they don't win, it's a shame. For it's 1, 2, 3 strikes, you're out at the old ball game.
(as the hug finishes singing, the flashback cuts to an alley, where a distraught Valon is seen with a pipe in his hand and several dead people scattered on the ground)
VALON: (narrating) I had to take it out on them. I had to become the one thing they always feared: an evil little sh*thead. (cut to prison) They tried sending me to prison, but it turned out the prison was secretly owned by Dartz, who was using it as a testing ground to find Duelists strong enough to use The Seal of Orichalcos. So once I took the souls of all the other inmates, the man himself showed up to invite me to enlist in the army of the Orichalcos, least I assume that's what he said. I won't lie, most of his language is lost on me.
(end flashback; cut back to Duel)
JOEY: But hang on. Surely, you can't blame all of humanity for what a small group of criminals did to that church.
VALON: Oh, I don't.
JOEY: But you're with the Orichalcos. Surely you want to wipe everyone off the face of the earth too.
VALON: Sure I do. But it ain't because I think humanity's evil or something. That's ridiculous.
JOEY: Then why?
VALON: Simple mate. I just f*cking hate people. Now watch as I activate The Seal of Orichalcos! (Valon activates The Seal of Orichalcos, surrounding both Duelists in it)
JOEY: I am mad at you for both activating The Seal of Orichalcos and for having the most reasonable motive for being evil so far.
(cut to Kaiba and Mokuba in a car shop)
MOKUBA: Are you sure we're OK to just take one of these, bro?
(Kaiba and Mokuba both get into a red sports car)
KAIBA: Mokuba, it's just a sports car. How much could it be, $20?
(a cars salesman approaches the brothers)
SALESMAN: Excuse me, do you have a receipt for this vehicle?
MOKUBA: I don't know, do you have a receipt for that outfit? 'Cause you should probably return it!
KAIBA: Sick burn, Mokuba.
SALESMAN: Are you boys here with your parents? Preferably your rich parents?
MOKUBA: We're our own rich parents. Show 'em Seto!
(Kaiba hums as he reaches into his jacket to pull out his checkbook and a pen. He then writes on the top check, rips it off, and hands it to the salesman)
KAIBA: There, that should cover it.
(Kaiba drives the car out of the parking lot)
MOKUBA: I hope you get the part of the game show host you're trying out for!
SALESMAN: I sure hope they left me a nice tip. (he then looks down at the check; it reads "All of Joey Wheeler's Money") I don't know what this means.
(cut to car speeding down the street)
MOKUBA: You know what bro, this sure beats taking the bus.
KAIBA: (thinking) The hell is a bus?
VALON: Looks like my hardware just got upgraded to well 'ard-ware!
VALON: "Well 'ard" is British for "tough".
JOEY: Oh, OK. (thinking) Man, Valon's armor looks real dangerous. Good thing it's all a hologram.
VALON: Stitch this, ya git! (punches Joey in the face)
JOEY: (thinking) Geez! Why do they even call them "hollow"-grams!? That didn't feel hollow at all!
(Joey starts glowing)
VALON: 'kin' 'ell! What's goin' on?
JOEY: (Now in a red suit of armor) Ha! Looks like you activated my Plot Armor Trap Card! Which I have definitely always had, but has only ever come up this one time.
VALON: You wha'!?
HEADS-UP DISPLAY: Armor analysis complete. Probability of Duel turning into a bunch of anime robot bullsh*t: 85%
JOEY: And now, I activate Red-Eyes Transmigration!
VALON: Joey's just become the single most badass character in Yu-Gi-Oh! Nothing makes any sense anymore!
Joey: Gundam Raaaaaaaaaage! (transforms into Lord of the Red)
(cut to trailer)
REBECCA: If my calculations are correct, Joey can be found at these coordinates. You should be able to locate him using this map. (hands Yami a non-detailed map)
YAMI: Okay. Rebecca, you and your grandfather stay here with Duke in the only vehicle we've got. Me, Tristan and Téa will, for some inexplicable reason, try to find him on foot. Even though time is obviously of the essence and Joey could move at any moment.
DUKE: Good Idea, Yugi! This way, you'll have no way to contact us and get updates on Joey's current location!
YAMI: I'm glad we all agree that my ideas are the best ideas.
(cut back to Duel)
VALON: I can't believe I'm losing to a runt like Wheeler! But, at least nobody I care about is here to watch me fail.
(Mai comes riding in on her motorcycle)
MAI: Valon, you absolute failure!
VALON: Oh, me and my big gob!
MAI: (takes her helmet off) Dramatic hair flip! What the hell do you think you're doing!?I told you, Wheeler's ass belong to me!
VALON: Don't you worry, Mai! I was plannin' to drop his ass any second now. You can pick it back up once I'm done with it.
MAI: Well, then, you might want to look up.
VALON: Why what's-? GORDON BENNET!
JOEY: (in the air, with a blue bird-like fire around him) I AM SUDDENLY AMAZING AT THIS GAME FOR SOME REASON! (yells dramatically)
VALON: Alright then, ya daft sod! (jumps) HAVE IT, YA WANKER!
MAI: (as Joey and Valon's punches collide in mid-air, causing an explosion) Why are men always fighting over me in robot suits? Is it something I'm putting out there?
(cut to random alley)
TÉA: Hold up, guys, did you hear that?
YAMI: Hear what?
TÉA: It sounded like a huge explosion off in that direction! Maybe it was Joey!
YAMI: Téa, this is America. Things explode here all the time. I'm sure if we stick to the plan of running together in a straight line, we are bound to find him.
TRISTAN: Can I stop to pee, first, guys?
YAMI: Tristan, this is, like, your third rest stop; did you drink an entire bottle of water before you left?
TRISTAN: Well, I gotta hydrate, Yugi!
(cut back to Duel)
MAI: (thinking, with explosions in the background) I can't watch. No matter who wins, I lose someone I care about. Joey, my old friend from Duelist Kingdom, or Valon, the guy I might have had one entire conversation with. How am I supposed to choose between them? At least Joey isn't trying to punch his way out of the problem for once.
JOEY: I activate Claw of Hermos and combine it with Big Bang Blow so I can punch my way out of this problem!
VALON: 'AVE ANOTHER GO AT IT, IF YA THINK YER 'ARD ENOUGH!
(Valon and Joey yell dramatically and their punches connect, sending a beam of light into the sky)
(cut to another alley)
TÉA: (noticing the beam of light) Okay, now that's gotta be where Joey is.
TRISTAN: We'll go check it out in a minute, Téa. First let the Pharaoh try his plan of asking his cards what to do.
YAMI: (to The Eye of Timaeus) Tell me, trading card, where is Joey? (Eye of Timaeus is silent) Trading card? (brief pause) Trading card. (brief pause) Would it help if I brought you something that smelled like him?
(cut back to Duel)
(Joey sends Valon back, defeating him and breaking his armor)
VALON: You did it, mate. You proved you're more worthy of Mai than I am...
MAI: Um... Hello? Right here.
VALON: (kneels) ...By beating another man in a trading card game. She's all yours mate.
MAI: (offscreen, as Valon collapses to the ground) Again, right here.
JOEY: I have learned a valuable lesson! If the other guy has a suit of robot armor, make sure you have another suit of robot armor that is better than his.
MAI: I'm glad that's over with. One love triangle is enough for this show. Two was really pushing it.
JOEY: Wait, love triangle? Oh, you mean between Yugi, The Pharaoh and Téa?
MAI: Actually, I meant Yugi, The Pharaoh, and Kaiba, but now that you mention it, there's way too much lovey-dovey crap in this show for my liking. (inserts her Deck into her Duel Disk and activates it) So I guess I'll have to take you out.
JOEY: Are you gonna play The Seal of Orichalcos if I accept?
JOEY: And if I beat you, will you be nice again?
MAI: I'll probably die.
JOEY: Then, clearly, I have every reason to accept your challenge!
TÉA: (offscreen, as the Seal of Orichalcos comes down from the sky) Oh, my God! The Seal of Orichalcos! (onscreen, in another random alley) That must be where Joey is!
YAMI: Téa, you must chill. It's probably just some random, unimportant person getting their soul taken. Maybe Tristan.
TRISTAN: I'm right here!
YAMI: Oh, sorry, Tristan, I keep forgetting.
TRISTAN: That's OK, so do I.
(cut to Mai's and Joey's Duel)
JOEY: (thinking) Oh man, I can't believe I gotta play two card games in a row. One of the most physically exhausting things a person could do! But I know I can do it. If not for myself, then for Mai. (speaking) I Summon a- (thinking, as his vision starts to get blurry) Oh, nevermind, losing consciousness.
MAI: Joey! (running to Joey) Joey no! He lost his soul! (crying) I instantly regret literally everything I was doing this season! What a strong arc for my character this was! (thinking, as she takes The Claw of Hermos) And now, since I have rediscovered how much I care about Joey, I'm gonna leave him unconscious in this random back alley where nobody can find him. (starts her motorcycle and takes off) I'll be the best friend I can be, right after I make a quick stop for revenge.
(Yami, Tristan and Téa show up where Joey Dueled)
YAMI: Aha! There he is. And it only took us the better part of three full episodes to find him on foot.
TRISTAN: Oh, no! Joey, he's asleep! And it's only 8:30! His internal clock is going to be all messed up now!
YAMI and TÉA: TRISTAN, YOU MUST CHILL!
SPECIAL THANKS TO
The Kauffman family