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Cast (in order of appearance): Yami, Spiny Norman, Stanger, Guy, Mokuba, Seto, Clown, Arkana, Grandpa, Tea, Bakura, Marik

Date: July 12, 2008

Running Time: 6:55

Transcript Edit


YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series. According to Wikipedia, we don't exist!

Spiny Norman peeks among city skyscrapers


on the city streets

STRANGER: Hey, punk! This card isn't Graceful Charity, it's Graceful Dice!

GUY: Really? I guess I got them confused. But you can't really blame me, they're very similar.

STRANGER: Like hell they are! Graceful Dice has a dice on it, whereas Graceful Charity does not have a dice! You sir, are a fool!

(Mokuba blows a whistle)

MOKUBA: Stop fighting!

STRANGER: Who the hell are you?

MOKUBA: I'm the commissioner for the Battle City Tournament. What I say goes, and I say you have to buy me a pet rabbit, because my big brother won't let me have one.

STRANGER: Nuts to your rabbit!

KAIBA: Oh Mokuba, are you abusing your position of power again?



KAIBA: Sorry if my brother is bothering you. He does that. A lot. (He opens a briefcase filled with cards) To show my sympathy, I'd like to offer you all the trading cards you'll ever need, but only if you duel me in return.

STRANGER: This couldn't possibly be some form of trap. I accept!

KAIBA: (smiling) Heh.

CAPTION: [+1 dead puppies]

KAIBA: I only need to play a single card, even though summoning an Egyptian God requires me to sacrifice monsters, and is therefore impossible to do in the first turn.

Kaiba summons Obelisk the Tormentor, traumatizing the stranger.

KAIBA: Now you get to enjoy years of painful and upsetting therapy. Come on Mokuba, let's go get you that pet tarantula.

MOKUBA: You mean "rabbit", right, Seto?

KAIBA: You are getting a tarantula and you will like it.

(A scene of Atem sitting on the Pharaoh's throne spinning shows while a theme reminiscent of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air plays. The title reads "The Phresh Pharaoh of Bel-Air".)

YAMI (rapping):
Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside-down,
And I'd like to take a minute, just sit down, James,
I'll tell you how I became the undisputed king of card games.

on a stage inside a building

YAMI: Hey, a magic show! This looks slightly less depressing than watching Joey duel!

CLOWN: Nyeheheheh! Hello, Yugi! We've been expecting you! Come this way, my master is waiting!

YAMI: (thinking) I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "gay clown". I have a bad feeling about this.

on the city streets


KAIBA: What?

MOKUBA: Yugi just dropped off our sensors. We can't locate him! He's disappeared!

KAIBA: Somehow this is your fault! If I wasn't so busy buying you a scorpion, this never would have happened!

MOKUBA: But I thought we were getting a tarantula.

KAIBA: It's always about what you want, isn't it Mokuba?

underneath the stage

YAMI (thinking): Okay, where am I now?

unnerving laughter, followed by Hello Zepp

BILLY: Hello Yugi, I want to play a little game...

YAMI: You have got to be kidding me.

ARKANA: It's no joke, Yugi! My name is Arkana; Steve Arkana. And soon your Dark Magician will belong to me!

YAMI: That's about as likely as Battlestar Galactica having a satisfying conclusion!

ARKANA: I have special orders from my mysterious employer to make this a real spectacle, Yugi!

YAMI: Dude, this show has maybe two villains. It hardly takes a genius to figure out you're working for Marik.

ARKANA: Behold! I had this duel arena specially designed for our match! Now, let's begin by shuffling our cards in a needlessly dramatic fashion!

(Yami shuffles Arkana's deck.)

YAMI: Waaay ahead of ya.

ARKANA: You know, there is an old saying amongst high rollers and card sharks: "Always trust your opponents, but only after you've cut their deck."

YAMI: Yeah? Well, here's another saying: "Go f*ck yourself Arkana".

ARKANA: You'll regret those words once you realize that this duel is about more than cards; it's also about survival! Because, in case you hadn't already guessed, this episode is a parody of the Saw franchise!

(Both Yami Yugi's and Arkana's legs are chained down.)

YAMI: Didn't this already happen in Episode 10?

(Dark energy disks appear.)

ARKANA: These are dark energy disks! Every time you lose life points, the disk will move closer to your body!

YAMI: You're trying to slice off my legs and make me bleed to death? That's a little hardcore for a kid's show, isn't it?

ARKANA: The dark energy disk is totally harmless. All it will do is send your immortal soul to the Shadow Realm! Your physical body will remain unharmed.

YAMI: Honestly, are there no depths to which 4Kids won't sink?

KaibaCorp Tower

KAIBA: Don't worry Mokuba, my harem of female robots will locate Yugi in no time.

MOKUBA: You have a harem, Seto?

KAIBA: Yes, I created them specifically so that I could shun them with my cold indifference.

MOKUBA: Big bro, you're kind of like the anime version of Scrooge McDuck. Only much less fluffy.

KAIBA: I know.

underneath the stage

YAMI: Since you're such a big fan of plot twists, you're going to love my next card! Behold, the first appearance of the Dark Magician Girl, inspiring countless failed attempts at cosplaying the world over!

CAPTIONS: [somewhere, a yu-gi-oh fan is touching himself inappropriately*]

[*this applies to any situation, really]

ARKANA: Your plot twists pale in comparison to mine! How could you possibly hope to beat a movie franchise that earns over $100 million every year?

YAMI: I see. Then the only way to defeat you is to spoil every plot twist in existence, thereby ridding the general public of any desire to see your convoluted mess of a movie series!

ARKANA: You wouldn't dare!

YAMI: Wanna bet? (inhales) SNAPE KILLS DU—

CAPTION: [many spoilers later]

YAMI: ...Nicole Kidman is a ghost, and Rosebud is the sled!

ARKANA: No! He's spoiling all the best plot twists!

(on the city streets)

GRANDPA: Hello small child, I don't suppose you've seen the plot anywhere, have you? Téa and I have been looking everywhere for it.

TÉA: We're such invaluable characters, the plot can't possibly move forward without us!

MOKUBA: Don't worry, my big brother knows exactly wh—

GRANDPA: Shut up, Mokuba!

MOKUBA: No, you shut up!

(There is a stunned silence.)

MOKUBA: Oh god, I'm so sorry.

TÉA: Did you just tell an old man to shut up?

GRANDPA: Where the hell are your manners?

(underneath the stage)

ARKANA: Help! Somebody save me from the harmless dark energy disks that won't kill me!

YUGI: Super special awesome rescue!

BAKURA: I say Yugi, can I be in this epis—

(A dark energy disk cuts Bakura in half.)


YUGI: Huh, I guess 4Kids forgot to censor them after all.

MARIK:(speaking through Arkana) We meet again, little Yugi...again.

YUGI: Die monster! You don't belong in this world!

MARIK: It is not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was brought back by humans who wish to pay me tribute!

YUGI: Tribute? You steal men's souls, and make them your slaves!

MARIK: Perhaps the same could be said of all religions!

YUGI: Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!

(A glass is thrown to the ground.)

MARIK: What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets! But enough of this! ...I'm out of here.

YUGI (carrying Arkana's body): Hey, come back and take your henchman with you!

TÉA: Yugi! We found you!

GRANDPA: Are we interrupting something?

CAPTION (appears over Tristan's head): [how'd tristan get here...?]

YUGI: This totally isn't what it looks like.

Marik's hideout

MARIK: Yugi is so foolish thinking he can kick my ass! How can he possibly hope to compete with my army of celebrity Steves? "Stone Cold" Steve Austin! Steve Guttenberg! Steve Jobs! Steve Buscemi! With their combined Steve power, I shall be unstoppable! Now watch, fangirls, as I strip! (Marik reveals his bare back and on his back is a tattoo that reads: DIE YUGI DIE) Yeah, get a load of that back! You [EFF!]-ing love it, don't you?

Ending. Yami's Phresh Pharaoh theme continues:

YAMI (rapping):
In northeastern Africa, born and raised
In the palace was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all the while
Playin' some card games right beside the Nile
When a couple of guys, who were up to no good...

A logo appears: Yu-Gi-Oh! the abridged series

[his tattoo is german
for "the yugi, the"]

Stinger: clip from The Simpsons episode Treehouse of Horror V

YAMI MARIK (with Homer Simpson's voice): No TV and no beer make Homer something something...

ISHIZU (with Marge Simpson's voice): Go crazy?

YAMI MARIK: Don't mind if I do!


BAKURA: ...Can I have my legs back now?

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