|← Episode 00||Episode 01||Episode 02 →|
Running time: 10:15
(title sequence; "Birdhouse in Your Soul" plays)
VOICE: Long ago, when the pyramids were still young, I was a great and mighty pharaoh, who ruled over this land! Then, the Shadow Games came and nearly wiped out every living creature on the planet! However, I've managed to seal away the evil and place myself inside a mystic box, never to be discovered again...
DISCOVERER: Hey guys, I think we found something!
BOX: Ahem! I said "never to be discovered again".
DISCOVERER: Yeah, there's definitely something here! Somebody keeps talking about how it'll never be discovered.
BOX: Oh, me and my big narrative!
ARCHEOLOGIST: Oh-oh man, this thing is just what I wanted! My kitty could use a new litter box...
BOX: Well, you know what they say... curiosity killed the cat. (bursts into maniacal laughter as the archeologist struggles to breathe)
ARCHEOLOGIST: Curse you... ancient Egyptian... litter box...!
CAPTION: Years later...
("We're All in This Together" from High School Musical plays, cut to scenes of a high school)
STUDENT 1: Come on guys, let's go play basketball!
STUDENT 2: Dude, I love team spirit!
STUDENT 3: Hahahah! This is exactly what high school is really like.
(Yugi is building a house of cards)
YUGI: (thinking) After three years I'm finally gonna beat my record! Just gotta be reeeeal careful and try not to—
STUDENT: Hey, Yugi! (the house of cards collapses)
YUGI: (thinking) Frak!
STUDENT: Come on man, stop being such a nerd. Come play basketball and be a real douchebag like everybody else in this school.
YUGI: Uhh, look Danny, the last time we played basketball you stuffed me in the hoop and let me hanging there until my grandpa came to pick me up.
DANNY: Yeah, man, that was awesome. Wanna play?
YUGI: Hey Danny, you like that basketball?
YUGI: Would you still like it if I crammed it down your throat?
YUGI: (interrupting) Yeeeah, that's what I thought. (thinking) Those jocks can keep their basketball, and their popularity, and their active sex lives... I'd much rather have this. The puzzle my grandpa gave to me. He told me if I made a wish on it, it would come true. And I know exactly what I'm gonna wish for: Téa's panties— (Joey grabs the box away from him) Ey, what the?!
JOEY: Nyee, Yug, you're such a loser. Why would anybody be interested in this priceless ancient Egyptian artifact that contains untold magical powers? It's so stupid... Like you... Nyeheheheheh...
YUGI: Gimme that back before I tear off your face and wear it as a Halloween mask!
TRISTAN: Hold everything!
JOEY: Hey, Tristan!
JOEY: What's crack-a-lackin', man?
TRISTAN: I'll tell you what's crack-a-lackin'. Tristan Taylor, that's what! You see, in this series I play a very important role. I actually...
JOEY: (turning away from Tristan, who is still speaking) Anyway, Yug, as I was saying: your dumb box is full of dumb.
YUGI: You are the dumb!
TÉA: (suddenly appears) You guys should be ashamed of yourselves! Yugi is very sensitive, and if you screw around with his emotions it could seriously damage him in later life!
YUGI: Phehh... Thanks for standing up for me, Téa.
TÉA: That's OK, Yugi. You know I think you're really cute.
YUGI: Hey, you wanna go out sometime?
TÉA: I meant as a friend, Yugi.
YUGI: Oh, umm... Okay... Sorry.
TÉA: But I do love you.
TÉA: As a friend, Yugi.
YUGI: Oh... All right...
TÉA: Let's have sex later, OK?
TÉA: As friends, Yugi! Geez, such a pervert.
YUGI: Let's look at my shiny box now.
TÉA: Okay. Wow, what is that thing?
YUGI: It's an ancient Egyptian artifact. They say it contains a dark power that could threaten the lives of anyone who dares to open it. And apparently the team that discovered it died mysteriously a few days later. (quickly) So my grandpa gave it to me as a birthday present.
TÉA: Well, that's kinda twisted.
YUGI: I know, right? According to the inscription, whoever manages to complete the puzzle can make a wish and it will come true.
TÉA: What are you going to wish for, Yugi?
YUGI: Oh, that's easy. Téa's pan—
(Téa glares at him)
YUGI: Uhh... Umm... Uhhhhh... Tristan's panties.
TÉA: You have problems, man!
(Joey and Tristan are standing by the window)
JOEY: (holding a piece of Yugi's puzzle) I guess Yugi won't be needing this!
TRISTAN: Joey Wheeler, did you take that from Yugi's puzzle box?
JOEY: I sure did! This is my way of teaching him how to be a real man.
TRISTAN: Is that why we always steal his lunch money too?
JOEY: Neh, that's just for sh*ts 'n' giggles.
PUZZLE PIECE: (same voice as Yami's) Giggle while you can, fool, for soon I shall be free and then...
JOEY: Oops... (throws the piece through the window)
PUZZLE PIECE: (it flies into the river nearby) Whoaa! Oh no! Help! Somebody! I can't swim! Mommyyyyy!
(Ushio's henchmen are training)
YUGI: (thinking, as he watches the henchmen) Man, ever since this school hired the Elite Beat Agents, things have gotten a lot funkier around here. I'd better get out of here before I start dancing too.
USHIO: Hey, kid! I heard a rumour that some guys have been bullying you. Is that true?
YUGI: (thinking) God, those eyebrows are huge! I can't stop staring at them! It's like Martin Scorsese and Jennifer Connely had a baby. And now I'm picturing Martin Scorsese having sex with Jennifer Connely... Why do I keep doing that?!
USHIO: Is something wrong?
YUGI: I am extremely aroused!
USHIO: You have problems, man!
(in the game shop)
YUGI: Téa, what are you doing here?
TÉA: Come on, Yugi! You know I love hanging out at your creepy grandpa's game shop!
YUGI: There's nothing creepy about my grandpa—
GRANDPA: I am the Angel of Death!
YUGI: Okay, kinda see where you're coming from now.
GRANDPA: Nice of you to come visit, Téa! I see your breasts have gotten a lot bigger.
TÉA: Please don't talk about those...
GRANDPA: What, your boobs?
TÉA: Yes, those.
GRANDPA: So, you don't want me to talk about your gazongas.
TÉA: No, I don't.
GRANDPA: Okay, so just to be clear, I'm definitely not going to bring up your double whammies. Your melons are off the table. Hooters are a no-go area. Ixnay on the eavage-clay!
TÉA: Are you done?
GRANDPA: Yes. So, how was school?
TÉA: It was fi—
CAPTION: The next day...
YUGI: (thinking) Ahh! Good morning, world! I have a feeling that today is going to be super-special...
(cut to Ushio standing before beaten-up Joey and Tristan as the music slows to a halt)
YUGI: What the hell did you do?!
USHIO: The Elite Beat Agents tried to solve your problems the old-fashioned way — by dancing. But unfortunately these guys refused to play along. So we tried a new method. We call it "beating them half to death"! (kicks Joey) Get it? Elite Beat Agents. 'Cause we beat ya!
YUGI: You can't do this to them! They are my friends! ...Kind of! ...Sort of! ...Well, not really, but still! I'm sure they have perfectly good reasons for abusing me several times a day...
YUGI: Okay, you know what, forget it, just lay into them. Be my guest.
USHIO: The Elite Beat Agents don't come cheap. This beating will cost you twenty thousand yen.
YUGI: Twenty thousand yen?! That's like a whole dollar!
(in Yugi's room)
YUGI: (thinking) Oh my god, I can't believe it! I'm actually solving the Millenium Puzzle! I've been trying to solve this thing for eight years. Eight freakin' years! But now it feels like it's the easiest thing in the world! Of course... this must be my destiny! I was obviously meant to solve this puzzle and inherit the dark powers hidden within! All I gotta do now is to insert the last piece and...
(he reaches for the empty box)
YUGI: (thinking) Okay... okay, it's fine... After all, I still have my dignity... Just... just... don't... start... crying... Whatever you do, Yugi, do not start...
(cut to Yugi running to school and crying)
YUGI: WAAAAAAAAHAAAHAHAAAAA! I lost my puzzle piece and stuff! Wahaa!
YUGI: Whoa! What the hell, have you just been standing here this whole time hoping I would randomly show up?
USHIO: Look, do you have the money or not?
YUGI: Okay, pal, it looks like I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson. It's time to duel!
USHIO: (flatly) What?
YUGI: Come on, take out your deck, so we can play a card game.
USHIO: Yugi, it's season zero. Duel Monsters hasn't been introduced yet.
YUGI: Ooooooooooooooh, shhhhhh*t, that's right.
(Ushio beats him up)
USHIO: There! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go learn how to become a motorcycle-riding security guard.
JOEY: Yugi! Are you okay?
YUGI: Ahh... the puzzle... I wished for... Joey... and for Tristan...
JOEY: It's okay, Yugi. We're here now. Your wish came true, man. Tristan and I are gonna protect you! (gives him the last piece)
JOEY & TRISTAN: Yeee, charge!
YUGI: I wished... on the puzzle...
JOEY: (Ushio punches him in the face) My face!
YUGI: ...for Joey... and Tristan...
TRISTAN: (Ushio kicks him in the midsection) Oh, my sperm!
YUGI: ...to get their asses kicked...
PUZZLE: Yuuugi... Yuuuuugi...!
PUZZLE: Yugi, it's me! Your fairy godmother.
YUGI: But I don't have a—
PUZZLE: Shut up and listen. You have to finish the Millennium Puzzle, Yugi. And then you'll live happily ever after.
YUGI: Happily ever after...?
PUZZLE: (Halloween theme starts playing) Happily ever after, Yugi...
(Yugi inserts the puzzle piece)
PUZZLE: Yes... That's it. (laughs maniacally) Yes! The power... The absolute power!
(Ushio is hanging on a rope)
USHIO: Uhh... Ehh, what the...?!
YAMI: Garbage day!
USHIO: Yugi! What the hell are you doing?
YAMI: Ushio, baby! How's it hanging? Get it? 'Cause you gonna die! Hahahahahah! Uhh, I guess you had to be there...
USHIO: Are you gonna give me the money now?
YAMI: Tell you what...
(Yami jumps, spreading a deck of cards and pulling Ushio upwards; "This Is the New Shit" plays in the background)
YAMI: Wanna play a game?
USHIO: What sort of game?
YAMI: First one to die loses. (beat, then shows a card) Look! The queen of spades.
USHIO: What does that do—
YAMI: You lose! (releases him) I hope you like giant man-eating worms...
USHIO: Huh... I wonder what he meant by tha— (Three giant man-eating worms rise out of the water below him) Oh my God that is what he meant by that...
YAMI: (over Ushio's screaming and worm masticating noises) Now, let that be a lesson to you, young man... Bullying is not very nice. So I don't want to catch you doing it ever again. Got that? (sound of worm burping)
(in the school)
JOEY: Man, last night was pretty crazy. Huh, Yug?
YUGI: I'm afraid I don't remember any of it. Especially the part where an evil spirit used my body to kill a man in cold blood.
JOEY: You have problems, man.
(the Puzzle bursts in maniacal laughter)
CAPTION: The End