|← "Roof Raph"||#81: "Rocks Fall, Everyone Duels"||"Bullseye" →|
Cast (in order of appearance): Yugi Muto, Rafael, Yami, Mokuba Kaiba, Téa Gardner, Seto Kaiba, LT1, LT2, Kevin, Roland, Tristan Taylor, Dartz, Iona, Ironheart, Chris, Joey Wheeler, Mai Valentine, Maximillion Pegasus, Timaeus, Critias, Hermos, Bastion Misawa, LT3
Running Time: 29:05
(the episode begins with the ending to Roof Raph)
YUGI: Previously, on the Super Special Awesome Show...
RAFAEL: Hey, wanna see my Gandalf impression?
(the ledge collapses and Rafael falls to the ground screaming)
YAMI: I've seen better.
(cut to Dartz's HQ collapsing, which reveals the other building inside of it)
MOKUBA: (off-screen) Look! We thought that building was a building, but it turns out it is actually a very different building!
TÉA: (also off-screen) Well, that checks out!
(cut to the inside of the helicopter)
YAMI: Kaiba, take this. (he hands Kaiba the card Rafael gave him previously)
KAIBA: What is it?
YAMI: Aren't you the head of a multi-billion-dollar tech company?
KAIBA: Oh right, it's a... computer... chip? Am I close?
YAMI: Just put it in your phone.
(Kaiba inserts the chip in his phone and looks at the screen, which shows a map of islands)
KAIBA: It looks like a map with coordinates to Dartz.
YAMI: Yes. All of our efforts, everything we've done leading up to this moment, has been in an attempt to locate Dartz. And now, thanks to me winning a long and grueling duel against Rafael, we have finally been rewarded with—
(as Yami is talking, a small, gray military helicopter flies by their KaibaCorp chopper, then another flies by their open hatchback)
MILITARY PERSONNEL: (interrupts Yami) Attention, helicopter passengers! This is the U.S. Military! We need your help defeating Dartz! Follow us, and we'll take you right to him.
YAMI: Oh, come on!
(cut to a kid's drawing of Yami and Kaiba titled "Super Special Awesome Show")
YUGI: (voiceover) This time, on the Super Special Awesome Show...
(cut to the KaibaCorp chopper over the ocean, with four military helicopters flying around it)
YAMI: (offscreen): Kaiba, promise me you're not going to embarrass me in front of the U.S. Military.
(the KaibaCorp chopper approaches and then lands on an aircraft carrier)
KAIBA: Yugi, I'm hurt. Why would I ever do such a thing?
(cut to inside the military carrier, where the gang talks to two Navy Lieutenants)
LT 1: At ease, kids. You may be wondering why we brought you to this highly advanced aircraft carrier.
KAIBA: (derisively) Oh my god, he thinks this is advanced. That's hilarious!
YAMI: Kaiba, hush.
LT 1: We've been tracking Dartz's activity for several months. We've tried to take him out, but he's managed to elude us at every turn.
KAIBA: (sarcastically) Gee, why don't you try using your advanced military technology to get him?
YAMI: Hush, Kaiba.
LT 2: Uh... well, anyway, we had some of our elite aircraft escort you here and—
KAIBA: (clearly amused) Oh my god, he thinks they're elite! They don't even look like dragons!
YAMI: Kaiba, honey, please.
LT 2: Since all of our intel suggests the only way to defeat Dartz is in a... children's... card game.
KAIBA: That is the first halfway intelligent thing you've said since we got here.
YAMI: What Kaiba means to say is we'd be honored to accept this mission from you, the United States Military.
LT 2: Then on behalf of the number one military force in the world, I'd like to thank each of you for—
KAIBA: Where is it?
LT 2: (haltingly) Where's... what?
KAIBA: The number one military force in the world. You just mentioned it, so it must be around here somewhere.
YAMI: Kaiba, please, you're going to upset the man.
KAIBA: Yugi, it's the U.S. Military. I'm sure he's seen and heard worse than— oh my god he's crying.
LT 1: Why are you being so mean to us?
(the title intro and opening sequence plays)
(cut back to the sea and the three Navy ships)
LT 2: Unfortunately, our best forces have been unable to get past the unnatural weather phenomenon surrounding Dartz's hideout. (a storm and lightning are seen in the distance). But I'm certain you teenage boys from Japan will be able to do it.
KAIBA: What's the matter? You scared of a little lightning?
LT 2: No, I'm not. But our radar technician Kevin is terrified of this stuff.
(cut to Kevin)
KEVIN: It's just so loud!
KAIBA: Alright, U.S. Military, we're gonna bail you out. But just this one time, okay?
(the KaibaCorp chopper lifts off into the sky)
YAMI: (off-screen) It's a good thing the military was here to tell us to go do the thing that we were already going to do.
LT 2: There go the bravest men I've ever met.
(cut to the inside of the thunderstorm)
TÉA: (off-screen) Oh wow, They weren't kidding about this weather!
TRISTAN: Don't worry, Téa. In another few hours, the sun will—(Mokuba is jolted forward by the turbulence, and falls head first into Tristan's crotch. Tristan falls to the ground in pain) Ah, right in the rising sun!
KAIBA: Please tell me one of you guys was filming that.
ROLAND: (off-screen) We apologize, Mr. Kaiba, but we're too busy trying to navigate this vortex of death! Everyone hold on to something! It looks like we might die before we even get to Dartz! (an alarm sounds) Mayday! Mayday, we're going down!
(sharp cut to the front of Dartz's temple, where the skies are cloudy, but the weather is calmer)
KAIBA: Well, that was easy.
(cut to the gang in front of the parked chopper)
YAMI: Yeah, in retrospect, Kevin is a giant bitch.
(they all start walking into the temple)
KAIBA: I'm still mad nobody filmed Mokuba faceplanting into Tristan's crotch.
MOKUBA: Guys, I think we took a wrong turn, because I'm pretty sure this is the Chamber of Secrets.
KAIBA: If Dartz thinks he can buy my company and change the mascot from a dragon to a snake, then he's all kinds of wrong.
YAMI: The fate of the Earth is at stake and you're worried about your company's image?
KAIBA: Isn't that why we're all here?
YAMI: Kaiba, none of us were worried about that.
TRISTAN: I'm actually very worried about that.
YAMI: Well, we're all very worried about you, Tristan.
TRISTAN: Aw, thanks, guys!
(Yami and Kaiba continue walking)
KAIBA: Speaking of things that upset me, this next room looks like someone's ancient Egyptian Funko Pop collection.
TÉA: Those aren't Funko Pops! They're much more disturbing!
KAIBA: Not possible.
YAMI: Oh, no. Téa's right! These are the souls that Dartz has been collecting. (the ceiling and the wall in front of the gang shows several rectangles of souls collected) Look, he's got Mai. And Weevil. And oh my gosh he's got a Yugi! I need a Yugi! I wonder if he'll trade his Yugi for a Tristan.
(a fire descends from the ceiling and a laughing Dartz emerges out of the flames)
YAMI: It's Dartz. The most evil and threatening villain we've ever faced.
DARTZ: Howdy ho, Phawoah, My bwo! You bwought me a bunch a' new souws fo' my cowwection. (laughs) An' here I am totalleh empty-handed. Next time, call ahead, mayn, 'cause now I look weally wude and, tsk, I hate when I come acwoss that way.
KAIBA: Dartz, we challenge you to a childre—
YAMI: Give me back my partner right now or I will rip him off that wall and beat you senseless with him!
DARTZ: Phawoah, I'm supwised! (cwip cwop). Weally, when you wuled over Egypt—cwip cwop—you thought nothing o' the countless people that died for you—cwip cwop. By the way, the 'cwip cwop'in' is you on your high horse. And yet now, you pretend to care for this... Yugay Moutou.
YAMI: How dare you lisp his name in such a disrespectful fashion!
DARTZ: Oh, he's not the only soul I'm gon' decorate my cwib with, mayn. I'm gonna take every single one of you. Teia Gaadnee, Twiston Teilaa, Little Mokyuyuba, and Seto Kaiba. (the screen flashes to each character as Dartz speaks their names)
YAMI: Sorry, what was that last one?
DARTZ: Seto Kaiba.
YAMI: I didn't catch that, did you, Kaiba?
KAIBA: I think he said 'Joey Wheeler'.
DARTZ: Yes, Joey Weewuh is but one of the many souls I have collected over the last ten thousand years.
YAMI: Ten thousand years?!
DARTZ: Yeah, makes your measly five thousand years look like a five thousand years of being a bitch, bitch.
MOKUBA: He's not lying! Some of these souls look like they're from a really long time ago!
KAIBA: I feel like I've been waiting a really long time to play a children's card game with this guy.
DARTZ: Vewy well, Seto Kaiba. (he walks forward and arms his Duel Disk) Consider your wish... gwanted.
YAMI: Hey, Kaiba. We should totes duel him together and use all those sweet combo moves we've been practicing in secret every weekend at your place.
KAIBA: Okay but I don't want anyone to know about that, so you'd better make it seem like we didn't plan this and we're just naturally really good at playing off of each other.
YAMI: Okay cool. (in an unnaturally forced tone) I shall Duel alongside you, Kaiba!
KAIBA: (also in an unnaturally forced tone) No, Yugi! I can take him by myself!
YAMI: Don't be foolish, Kaiba! Only together will we be strong enough to fight back the darkness!
KAIBA: Okay, sure, why not? (they simultaneously arm their Duel Disks)
DARTZ: By all means, mayn. I always wanted to twy duewing two guys at once.
TÉA: (offscreen) Same.
YAMI: (in a lower voice to Kaiba) Okay, so all of Dartz's henchmen activated The Seal of Orichalcos within the first few turns, so the odds of him also drawing it early should be extremely—
DARTZ: Aw son of a gun guys you won't believe this but I activate The Seal of Orichalcos!
YAMI: Apparently the heart of the cards is a giant dick this season.
KAIBA: (to Yami) Yugi, you wanna use combo move 14A?
YAMI: Ooh, 14A. You mean the one we call—
KAIBA: Yeah, that one.
YAMI: Okay, but we've gotta make it look totally natural.
KAIBA: (posing dramatically) Alright, Dartz! Let's see how you fare against my Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon!
YAMI: Hold on, Kaiba! I have an idea! What if I used Polymerization to fuse your dragon with my Black Luster Soldier... (Black Luster Soldier is summoned as Yami talks) ... in order to Summon Master of Dragon Soldier!
KAIBA: (unconvincingly fake) Wow! That sure surprised me!
(cut to the rest of the gang watching the Duel)
TÉA: Oh, come on, do they seriously think we can't tell they practiced this?
TRISTAN: Holy crap! They're totally in sync with each other! But I guess that's just how good they are!
KAIBA: Go, Master of Dragon Soldier! Take him down...
YAMI & KAIBA: (together) ...with Pride Shipping Plunge!
(Master of Dragon Soldier spews a bluish/whitish fire at Dartz)
TRISTAN: I can't believe they invented a name for that move in the space of five seconds! And they said it at the same time. They're just that good!
DARTZ: Not good enough, I'm afwaid. (he laughs evilly as the Seal emits a blinding, white light that consumes the entire duel)
KAIBA: Ugh! Effort noises!
YAMI: Ugh! Manly effort noises!
(as the light fades, Yami, Kaiba, and Dartz are all transported to space inside the Seal)
KAIBA: Okay, what happened to the card game, why are we in space?
DARTZ: Thousands of years ago, I wuled over the pawadise city of Atlaywntis.
KAIBA: Okay, but why are we in space?
DARTZ: (ignoring him) We were a peaceful people, who pwospewed and knew nothing of war or confwict.
KAIBA: Okay, but why are we in space?
DARTZ: But one day, twagedy stwuck and the dawkness within ouw heawts cawsed my fair city to teer itself asundaw!
KAIBA: Okay, but why are we in space?
YAMI: Kaiba, I'm sure he's getting to that. (to Dartz) You are getting to that, right?
DARTZ: Listen closely and behold de events dat led to the downfaww of a civilization.
YAMI: Did we really have to go to space for you to have a flashback?
(flashback begins with an aerial shot of Atlantis on the water, connected by a bridge to land)
DARTZ: (narrating) Once we were a twanquiw land filled with magical cweatures like these weird (starting to laugh) frickin' butterfwy fings, what the hell are those things, mayn? Mmm.
(two fairies fly onscreen passing by a man on his wagon and his horse. Two happy kids are also seen in the back of the wagon along with a pile of straw)
DARTZ: (continues) We wived in peace with nature, (cut to Dartz) but then one day... (cut to volcano erupting) ...nature got pissed off. The volcano showered the laynd with a mysterious new wesource we called the Orichacamalacodapottamus! (the rocks from the volcano glow green in the water) These stwange wocks allowed my city to gwow in ways we hadn't even conceived befowe. Magic, and technowlogy co-exaasted. It was the gweatest civilization the world has ever known.
YAMI: I assume your city evolved so much, the struggle to achieve greater and greater heights caused you to destroy yourselves. You know, classic case of "don't fly too close to the Sun"?
KAIBA: What do you mean, "don't fly too close to the Sun"?! I'm gonna build a Blue-Eyes spaceship that can fly through the Sun just to prove whoever said that wrong!
DARTZ: Nah, man. Our civilization was destroyed by people turning into furries.
YAMI: (blindsided) Ah. (clears throat) What?
(the flashback resumes and cuts to a younger Dartz with his family overlooking Atlantis)
(cut back to Yami)
YAMI: Wait, Ironheart was your dad? How does that factor into all of this?
DARTZ: W... really doesn't matter, the dude is dead, man.
YAMI: I was just hanging out with him.
DARTZ: That's weird. 'Cause, you know, he's dead.
YAMI: This whole freaking thing is weird! So how is Chris related to you?
DARTZ: Who—who the hell is Chris?
YAMI: The little girl. The one Ironheart was hanging out with.
DARTZ: I have no idea who that is. You are talkin' f*cking crazy right now, man. Are you okay? Do you need water? How long were you in the desert for?
KAIBA: Can both of you just shut up so we can get back to playing a card game, for the love of god!
(the flashback resumes, in the throne room)
DARTZ: (narrating) I twied to pwetend that everything was fine! But then my beautiful, hot, Atlantean wife Queen Eaona was twansfowmed by the Orichacamalos into some kinda weird antopomaphic monster! (Eaona, in pain, pushes away Dartz and transforms into a green monster) I was heartbwoken. And faster than you can say "yiff yiff," my entire wowld had gone to wuins. Embwacing the magic of the Orichacamalos had wevealed humanity's twue nature and wavaged the person I loved. So I did what any weasonable person would do: I embwaced the magic of the Owichacamalos. (Dartz retrieves the Orichalcos stone inside a pool)
YAMI: (off-screen) Well, that checks out.
DARTZ: The Orichalcos told me it was my destiny to awaken the Gweat Weviathan and wipe the evil of humanity from the face of the planet.
(end of flashback, cut back to the trio in space)
YAMI: So let me get this straight: you lived in a nice place, some rocks fell from the sky, the place wasn't so nice anymore, so now you're using those rocks to kill everybody.
DARTZ: Well, you're skimmin' on the details a wittle bit, but yeah the furry stuff was vast and deep and darker than you know, but yeah, that's about the sum of it.
KAIBA: If you ask me, you're both on some kind of magic rocks. Now can we please get back to playing goddamn children's... (the trio is whisked back to the temple) ...card games?! Oh thank god, everything makes sense again. (Dartz's LP is at 3500) But wait, why does Dartz still have Life Points? That last move should've taken you out!
DARTZ: (while Orichalcos Kyutora sucks in the attack) And it would have, except my Kyutowa monster absowbs any damage that would be infwicted upon me, turning your attack into one big fat dood.
KAIBA: Well, there's no need for body-shaming—
YAMI: Kaiba, he's trying to say 'dud'.
DARTZ: And now I activate Orichacamalos Deuteronomos to add an extra layer to the Seal... (a ring is added to the current Seal on the ground and it starts spinning) ... causin' my Life Points to incwease dramatically evewy turn, hohoho! And it also lets me do some slick-ass wecord-scwatchin'!
(the added ring starts spinning back and forth and music begins playing)
DARTZ: How you like dem sweet beats, boyo? And now, for added pwotection, I summon my four Miwwor Knights to the field!
KAIBA: (record scratches) Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?
DARTZ: Yeah, so?
YAMI: (slightly horrified) Kaiba, don't.
KAIBA: That's against the rules, isn't it?
DARTZ: SCREW THE WULES, I HAVE THE SHIBALADABALABADUWADABDA!!
KAIBA: ...The hell did he say?
YAMI: I don't know, but they're gonna make a shirt of it.
KAIBA: Oh yeah? Well, try making merchandise of this! Ring of Destruction! This'll negate your Mirror Knight Calling card, taking out your first line of defense. (the ring spins into the armored men and destroys their helmets. One of them is revealed to be Yugi)
TÉA: Those knights look just like our friends!
DARTZ: That's wight, Phawoah. Each of these knights contains a souw of someone you know and-slash-or love. And if you destwoy one of them, oh no, oh no, then their soul is gone... (dramatic gasp) forever.
YAMI: Okay, Kaiba, no matter how tempted you may be right now, I'm going to respectfully ask that you don't—
KAIBA: Attack Joey Wheeler, Different Dimension Dragon!
YAMI: Kaiba, this is like the third time you've tried to murder one of my friends, stop it!
(the Yugi Mirror Knight shields the Joey Mirror Knight from the dragon's attack, which breaks its shield)
ALL (except DARTZ): Yugi?!
DARTZ: Intwedastin'. It seems your partner Yugay Moutou still has a mind of his own there, Phawoah. I'm sure after sharing a body with you he's gwateful to be able to exercise his fwee will at all.
YAMI: How dare you, Dartz! I never forced Yugi to do anything he didn't want to. Unlike your relationship with your henchmen, I respected Yugi. I lo- (cuts himself off) I cared for Yugi.
DARTZ: Oh, how adowable, Phawoah. But let's see how faw that wespect goes when I command Yugay to attack your Wife Points!
(the Yugi Mirror Knight lifts up his sword, but hesitates)
YAMI: Yugi, if you hit me with that sword and kill me, there will be no Nintendo after 9pm for you for a month. I mean it, Buster Brown! (the Mirror Knight continues struggling) A-bup-bup! (to Dartz) You see? Now you're playing with power, Dartz. The power of the bonds of friendship.
DARTZ: And what of you, Seto Kaiba? Do you also shawe these bonds of fwiendship?
KAIBA: The only bonds I have are the one that'll raise enough stock to buy your ass out when I'm through beating you in this card game. Do you seriously think I won't take out your Mirror Knights?
DARTZ: Onwy if destroying an innocent soul concerns you.
KAIBA: Nah. As a teenager with unlimited access to the Internet, I get to do that every day.
YAMI: Give up, Dartz. End this now or we'll be forced to end it for you. And your pathetic no-name henchmen won't be around to stop us this time!
(Rafael bursts through the entrance on his motorcycle and comes to a stop in front of the duel; Yami and Kaiba turn to look)
RAFAEL: ZUG ZUUUUUG!
YAMI: As I was saying, Rafael is a damn handsome and valuable person. Thank goodness for him.
KAIBA: How the hell did you get here?
RAFAEL: I rode my bike across the ocean.
YAMI: But there was a storm.
RAFAEL: Yeah, I got through that no problem.
KAIBA: God, the U.S. Military is so lame.
RAFAEL: Dartz! Your hold over me is through! My eyes were opened after you made me defeat the Pharaoh in a card game.
YAMI: (annoyed, picking a card from his hand) Of course he mentions it.
RAFAEL: And now I see clearly; you're evil. And you'll never be able to influence me with your deceptions ever again.
DARTZ: Oh weawwy? Ow perhaps I'm infwuencing you right now.
YAMI: Rafael, you mustn't listen!
RAFAEL: Sorry, Pharaoh, I didn't catch that. I'm too busy listening to Dartz.
YAMI: Well, I tried.
DARTZ: Wafael, do you weawwy think that you, Awister, and Vawon simply fell into my lap all happenstance like? (laughs) You remember how Alister's village was attacked by, Oh Gouzaburo Kaiba, mmm, money! (laughs)
(a quick flashback shows Dartz in disguise shaking hands with two Army soldiers, he then heads to the KaibaCorp chopper)
DARTZ: (continues) Well, that was me, pwetending to be Seto Kaiba's father the whole time! (the screen then transitions from disguised Dartz to present Dartz) Hahaha, pwanked.
RAFAEL: (confused) That... doesn't even make sense.
DARTZ: And wemember how Valon was sent to one of the many youth prisons I own? (laughs) He was fwamed for a cwime he didn't commit—by me! Pwanked!
RAFAEL: That makes even less sense.
DARTZ: And, (laughs) and do you wemember the tidal wave that hit the ocean of Wagana your family was on and all (in a mocking tone) "Yaaaay, yay family!" (normal voice) and then before you got stranded on a deserted island for like... like, most of your adult life, I think? Yeah?
RAFAEL: (disbelieving) No. No, you couldn't possibly...
DARTZ: NNNNNnnnnn (whispers) pwanked.
RAFAEL: (in shock) So... many... plot contrivances. Can't... make sense... of any of it...
YAMI: Rafael! Stop trying to analyze the plot, it'll drive you crazy! Just focus on how cool all these action set pieces have been. It's the only way to—
RAFAEL: (screams in agony) I'M GONNA KILL THIS WHOLE F*CKING SEASON!!!
(cut to Téa and Tristan)
TRISTAN: Hey Téa, are you following any of this?
TÉA: Oh, I gave up trying to figure out any of this sh*t since Duelist Kingdom.
(Rafael screams as his Seal of Oricalchos shrinks to encompass him. He then falls silent to the ground)
YAMI: (looks down at Rafael, then turns back to Dartz) For the record, I beat him in a card game as well. Just so's we're clear.
DARTZ: (holds up an Oricalchos card) With my Orichacamalos Twitta in effect, Magic and Spell cards are blocktamuted, and my Wife Points just keep moving on up. (a third ring is added and is spinning on the Seal of Oricalchos and Dartz's LP rises from 15500 to 18500) Now attack the Phawoah, Mirror Knight Pegaysus! (Pegasus charges towards Yami and as he flings his sword down, Yami raises his arm and, with his Duel Disk, blocks the attack)
PEGASUS: Yugi-boy! You must listen!
YAMI: Hang on, I'm still getting over the fact that I can apparently block monster attacks with my Duel Disk.
PEGASUS: There's only one way to defeat Dartz, Yugi-boy.
YAMI: Like, for real, has this always been an option? Why am I not just busting Duel Monster skulls with this thing all the time?
PEGASUS: Listen to me, Yugi-boy! You must use the blank card you found at Industrial Illusions. It's the only way to—
YAMI: Is it seven years bad luck if I break your shield?
PEGASUS: ...Okay, you know what. (he slashes Yami with his sword)
TÉA: I've always pictured Pegasus stabbing the Pharaoh, but not like that!
KAIBA: Hey Yugi, check out this sick attack I'm gonna do.
YAMI: Kaiba, promise me you won't destroy any of my friends' souls.
KAIBA: (sweetly) Yugi, I promise with all my heart that this attack won't destroy a single one of your friends.
YAMI: That sounds awfully specific, but I'm sure I can trust you.
KAIBA: I merge my Legendary Dragon Critias with Yugi's Trap Card Mirror Force in order to Summon Mirror Force Dragon! And it's going to attack the Pegasus Mirror Knight! (Pegasus uses his shield to fend off the flames)
YAMI: The hell, Kaiba?!
KAIBA: Relax. The attack will just reflect off it's shield and then the combined attack energy gets absorbed into my Mirror Force Dragon's wings. (the reflected energy does so as Kaiba speaks) Your friends are fine.
YAMI: Bravo, Kaiba! I can't believe I doubted you for a—
KAIBA: And now I use that attack energy to destroy all the monsters on the field!
YAMI: To reiterate—the hell, Kaiba?!
KAIBA: Hey, like I said, that first attack didn't destroy any of your friends. But this one will take them all out. You're welcome, by the way. (the ensuing burst of energy hits and showers over all the Mirror Knights)
YAMI: No! Yugi!
YUGI: It's okay, Pharaoh. Even when we're gone, remember: (singing) Think of us and we'll be there...
PEGASUS: (singing) ...in our hearts forever.
ALL THE KNIGHTS: (singing) We'll stick together through thick and thin. That's the meaning of a real friend. (they all vanish)
YAMI: (dejected) Yugi... I lost him again.
KAIBA: Yeah, but... you're gonna win a card game. So it evens out.
DARTZ: (laughs evilly) When my Kyutowa is destwoyed, it evowves into Orichacamalos Hentai! (he displays an ATK of 20000)
YAMI: Well, that...
DARTZ: (interrupts) And its special ability separates it into Orichacamalos Yuri... (Hentai's right arm extends out)
DARTZ: ...and Orichacamalos Yaoi! (Hentai's left arm extends out)
KAIBA: Don't worry, Yugi. I have a flawless combo prepared for the next turn, so as long as he doesn't attack—
DARTZ: Orichacamalos Hentai! Attack Seto Kaiba diwectwy! (Orichalcos Shunoros fires a ring of green energy at Kaiba)
KAIBA: Y'see, this is why I refuse to believe in the heart of the cards.
(The ring slams Kaiba in the chest, knocking him backwards into the barrier that the Seal makes, where he hits his head)
MOKUBA: (muffled voice, banging his fists on the barrier) Seto! Seto, no! Please be alright! Seto!
(Yami runs to Kaiba as he collapses and holds him up)
KAIBA: Yugi, it's going very dark. I can't hold on much longer. (a piano piece begins to play in the background) Please, tell me one time... that I am the real King of Games.
KAIBA: I mean it, Yugi! The only thing that can ease my pain is to hear you say those words.
YAMI: Fine... Kaiba, you are the real—
KAIBA: Louder, Yugi.
YAMI: (louder, slightly exasperated) Seto Kaiba, you are the real King of Games.
KAIBA: (to the room) Okay, did everybody hear that? Suck it, Yugi! I don't feel anything, and you just admitted that I'm the real King of—bleh. (Kaiba falls unconscious to the ground).
YAMI: He died as he lived... pissing me off.
(The Seal of Orichalcos shrinks to encompass Kaiba, then a beam of light hits a blank panel on the wall of souls behind Shunoros, plastering Kaiba's image in it)
DARTZ: One mowe souw for the waww. Funny. He valued himself so mouch. But to the Gweat Weviathan, he was wittle more than a pittance.
MOKUBA: (in tears) Hey, you big jerk! You bring my big brother back right now!
DARTZ: I have a better idea! (a giant eye appears behind Dartz, and the ensuing shockwave blows Mokuba, Téa, and Tristan away, knocking them all unconscious)
YAMI: Dartz, what have you done to them?
DARTZ: Oh, it ain't no thang. Just wanna give us some pwivacy. Y'know, so we can tawk. Mango-a-mango. Wike owd fwiends.
YAMI: We're not friends, Dartz. Friends don't summon giant eyeballs to render their friend's other friends unconscious.
DARTZ: But that's where you're wrong, Phawawoh! I once met you when you wuled over Egypt, five thousand bitch years ago!
YAMI: Okay, I was willing to accept all the other convenient nonsense attributed to you and the Orichalcos, but I gotta call bullcrap on that.
DARTZ: Oh no, man. I was there. I saw it all go down.
YAMI: What's my name?
YAMI: If you met me, then you must know what my name is. That secret has been lost to me since my soul entered the Millennium Puzzle. So what is it?
DARTZ: Well, that one's easy. It's Eytem.
YAMI: Come again?
DARTZ: I said it's Eytem, man.
YAMI: Didn't quite catch that, one more time.
DARTZ: (frustrated) Eytem! Y-your name is Eytem, man!
YAMI: Look, if you don't know what it is, you can just say so. You don't have to start making sh*t up.
DARTZ: Whether you choose to bewieve me or not, Eytem, I bore witness to your deeds as the wuwer of Egypt. (flashback, where a younger Yami rldes on a black horse through a village) I saw fiwsthand the cwuelty infwicted upon your peopple.
(cut back to present day Yami)
YAMI: No matter what you say, Dartz, I choose to believe that I was not this evil Pharaoh you describe. Your memory is as corrupt as your soul.
DARTZ: Naw man, I don't even have to wemember anything. Everything you've done since comin' back from the dead has pwoved me wight.
YAMI: I... what?
DARTZ: Look at yoursewf! Look at everything you've done! You've got a second chance at wife, oh! And how do you choose to spend it? Beating people in games you're already good at and telling them how much they suck.
YAMI: It's not my fault if they refuse to get good.
DARTZ: I know you're wight, but, what is your fauwt is the way you take your fwiends fo' gwanted. Or—oh, oh!— Do you even think of them as your fwiewends?
YAMI: (stammering) Of course I—
DARTZ: (points a finger at Yami) Oh mayn, you can't even defend yourself! (Yami turns to face his unconscious friends) Not once have you taken the time to appweciate everything they've done for you, how patient they've been. You're too busy calling Twistan stupaid. Or Téa a slut. Or insulting the person whose body you now inhabit.
YAMI: (dismayed) Yugi...
DARTZ: Oh, that's the truth though, Phawawoh. No Orichacamalos magic, no bullsh*t powers. You're no hewo. You don't even deserve those fwiends you suwwound youwsewf with. (chuckles) And you certainly don't deserve to keep wiving in Yugay Moutou's body. Just give it up. It's easier than fightin' the twuth.
YAMI: (thinking) Maybe he's right. It would be easier to give up. What's the point in fighting for this world if I'm just going to let everyone in it down? (voiced over an image of Yami, curled and sinking into darkness) My friends have been here for me all this time, and now that they're gone, I realize... I've made them all feel as alone as I do now. Why haven't they given up on me? Don't they see what a joke I am? A dead man, pretending to be alive. But when I'm with them, it's like I never even died in the first place. How could I let them all down like this? (The Seal of Orichalcos begins to shrink and encompass Yami) And Yugi... Yugi I let down most of all.
DARTZ: That's right, Phawawoh. Just let the Orichacamalos do its thang.
(a tear rolls down Yami's cheek; a golden glow springs up around him, repelling the Seal)
DARTZ: What?! What kinda bullsh*t magical power could possibly out-bullsh*t the bullsh*t magical power that I bring to you with the Orichacamalos?
(All of Yami's friends appear in visions around him)
YAMI: I'll tell you what can do it, Dartz! The love my friends give me every single day. Even if they're not here right now, I can always feel it, if I just look back through our memories together. (all of Yami's friends vanish, leaving a golden glow) And whether I deserve that love or not, it's still very real. Which is more than I can say for your Seal of Ori-crap-cos card!
DARTZ: It's Orichacamalos! I mean—! You know what it is!
YAMI: And speaking of OP cards, I now play Legend of Heart! This allows me to bring forth the three legendary dragons—Critias, Hermos, and Timaeus—in their true form: as fanfiction-style self-insert bullsh*t characters!
(All three 'dragons' enter the Duel as Yami speaks)
ALL: And together, we are... (all speak at different rates) The Three Legendary Knights of Atlantis!
YAMI: Destiny has brought these three together for the sole purpose of appearing briefly as holographic monsters in a card game. As always, destiny is f*cking weird.
DARTZ: Go, Hentai! Destwoy the knight that looks like Seto Kaiba!
(Shunoros flings another green ring at Critias, and he blocks the attack with his sword)
DARTZ: (shocked disbelief) What the hell, did you j— are you blocking my attack?!
YAMI: Lemme guess: You think it's against the rules?
DARTZ: I never said that!
YAMI: Give it to him, Critias!
CRITIAS: Screweth yon rules, I hath chivalry! (He flings Hentai's attack back at him)
DARTZ: I never said anything about the wules, COME ON, mayn!
TIMAEUS: A fine blow well delivered, Critias!
CRITIAS: Thanks, Tim.
HERMOS: Yeah, way to go, man!
CRITIAS: Shut up, Hermos.
HERMOS: Aw, ye olde geez.
DARTZ: But I'm afwaid that destwoying my monster has mewely awwowed me to weplace it with a monster of insuwmountable stwength! Cornelius, the snake level 9 mayn! (Divine Serpent Geh, who displays an ATK of 8)
YAMI: Hah! That measly monster's supposed to scare me? It has eight attack points!
DARTZ: Aight wait, oh wait, hang on, lemme fix that. (The eight turns 90 degrees clockwise, turning it into a lemniscate) There, there we go.
YAMI: Okay, so that might be a challenge.
DARTZ: I may have lost all my Wife Points, but so long as Cornelius is on the field, I'm still in the game, man.
YAMI: Well, I may have lost all of my Life Points, but so long as Dark Magician Girl is on the field, I'm still in the game.
DARTZ: WHAT?! How you do? How you do?
YAMI: I played the Thiefshipping card! With it, I can do all manner of game-breaking nonsense, with the only condition being that I canonize thiefshipping. So, it's canon now. Look at them trying to hold hands!
DARTZ: But y'know what sinks ships, Phawawoh? Cannon! Cownelius, attack with infinite strength!
(Divine Serpent Geh attempts to attack Dark Magician Girl, but Hermos steps in front to block the attack)
HERMOS: Not so fast, thou Brooklyn knave!
DARTZ: What the hell, man, how'd you, how'dyou—how you block infinity?!
YAMI: Lesson number one, Dartz: Attack points aren't everything. Now watch as I use my three legendary Knights to reflect their attacks back at one another, and then merge all of them together, to summon a force beyond infinity! (Timaeus the Knight of Destiny is Summoned; Bastion Misawa also appears)
BASTION: Mm, well, you know, Pharaoh, that's actually mathematically impossible.
YAMI: (unamused) Okay, who let the posh sh*thead in here?
DARTZ: Your monster's attack is higher than infinity? But you just said attack points aren't everythang!
YAMI: That's because they're not. But you wanna know what is everything? Me! I am everything! I am the Pharaoh! The King of Games! And as for you, Dartz, well, you're nothing! (Timaeus the Knight of Destiny slashes Divine Serpent Geh with a flaming sword; it roars in agony) Now, Dartz, you are forced to face the truth: that you spent ten thousand years planning to wipe out humanity, but all that preparation was nothing next to the power of children's card games.
DARTZ: Welp, that checks out. (Leviathan emerges from the background and swallows Dartz, then retreats back from whence it came)
(Cut to the inside of the thunderstorm surrounding Dartz's temple, where the Navy aircraft carrier is making its way through the storm)
LT2: Attention, on deck! The weather anomaly appears to be spreading! Everyone, stay calm, especially you, Kevin.
LT3: Sir, Kevin jumped overboard about two hours ago.
LT2: There goes the bravest man I ever met.
(Cut back to the inside of the temple; Kaiba wakes up)
KAIBA: (thinking) Ah! Wait, was I just dead? No, I don't believe in things like resurrection or ancient Egyptians. Just real things, like dragons. (out loud, reaching over to shake Mokuba) Mokuba! Wake up so I can tell you to shut up.
MOKUBA: (wakes up) Seto, you're okay! I'm so happy you escaped the cold embrace of death so that I could experience your deathly cold embrace again!
TRISTAN: (wakes up) Téa, wake up. I think the season ended while we were asleep.
TÉA: (wakes up) Thank god, if I have to hear the words "Seal of Orichalcos" one more time, I—wait, is that...? (Yugi Muto appears and turns his head back) My Yugi muffin! You came back to us! (Téa, in tears, runs to Yugi)
YUGI: Uh oh, incoming fangirl hug. (Téa hugs Yugi)
TÉA: We thought you were gone forever!
YUGI: (strained) Yeah, it's... super... special awesome to be back, Téa.
JOEY: Yug! We both got our souls back, man! Come on, man, big hug! (He hugs Yugi) Ow! Man, your hair stabbed right through my jacket and into my chest. What do you treat this stuff with, anyway?
YUGI: L'oreal, because we're all worth it.
JOEY: Pretty sure I'm bleeding.
TRISTAN: (He joins the group hug) Our friendship gives up super strength!
JOEY: There sure are a lot of callbacks happening today.
(Yami, now back inside Yugi, appears to Yugi)
YAMI: Yugi, I know nothing I say or do can make up for what happened. But I want you to know that from now on, I will never place winning a card game over my feelings for you.
TRISTAN: (off screen) Oh, no, it looks like Dartz is still alive! If only someone would beat him in a card game!
YAMI: Um. So anyways, uh. I want to make it clear how much I...
YUGI: Pharaoh, do you wanna go beat Dartz in a card game?
YAMi: Oh my God, so much.
YUGI: Then go do it. I'll still be here when you're done.
YAMI: Is that a promise?
YUGI: More than that. It's a super mega ultra chocolatey fudge-coated mega ultra rare shiny super duper—
YAMI: Okay, I get the picture.
(the sunken city of Atlantis emerges out of the ocean)
TRISTAN: Look! The island of Atlantis is rising out of the ocean and is now floating ominously in the sky!
EVERYONE: Well, that checks out.
(end of episode)
[Even though he got headbutted in the crotch, tristan still came out of this with more dignity than the U.S. military]
PATREON @ patreon.com/littlekuriboh
(the recommended video to watch in the bottom right corner is titled "Pokemon: Legend of Thunder Abridged - (One Shot Wonders))
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
The Kauffman Family
Michael J.D. Holmes
Jory Leh-shun Hamilton