|← "A New Evil Awises"||#65: "Puzzled Shipping"||"United Sucks" →|
Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood, Yugi Muto, Téa Gardner, Rebecca Hawkins, Arthur Hawkins, Solomon Muto, Dartz, Rafael, Alister, Valon, Kuriboh, Dark Magician Girl
Running time: 9:36
(standard flying cards opening)
YAMI: This show is so infrequent that the last new episode came out was when I was still pharaoh!
JOEY: Hey Yug, look what we found!
TRISTAN: They followed us home! Can we keep them?
YUGI: (cut to the whole gang) Guys, you can't own people, no matter what the voice in my head tells me.
JOEY AND TRISTAN: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! (Tristan: Please! I have nothing else in my life! Please!)
YUGI: Okay, but I'm not housebreaking them. That's Tristan work.
TRISTAN: Yay! Responsibility! (he and Joey drop Rex and Weevil)
REX: You dumbasses! Uhuhuh. We have, like, important information about, like, all the stuff that's happening, and stuff.
WEEVIL: Yeah, heheh. And stuff. Heheh.
YUGI: Eh, you guys and important don't usually go together.
REX: I remember it like it was yesterday. Uhuhuh. (flashback) It was yesterday. Weevil was being a buttmunch. (Rex bumps into Weevil on the street; they then race down the city block and bump into Gurimo) And then, there was, like, this dude. Uhuhuhuhuh. And, then like, some stuff happened. (cut to Rex with a woman) Oh, and I totally scored.
WEEVIL: Yeah, heheh. With a chick.
REX: (pushes Weevil aside) Shut up, Weevil. Only I scored.
WEEVIL: Who, the chick?
REX: Yeah, she said lots of stuff. Uhuhuhuh. With her boobs.
WEEVIL: Yeah, heheheh. "Greetings, I am boobies. Heheh. Pleasure to meet ya".
YUGI: Are we sure these guys ever had souls in the first place?
(cut to Yugi and friends walking on the street)
JOEY: You know, ever since the city was attacked by hordes of monsters, it's been real peaceful.
TÉA: Yeah, what with all the fear of death.
TRISTAN: We should have giant monster attacks more often.
(Rebecca runs to the group)
REBECCA: There you are! I missed you so much! (hugs Yugi)
YUGI: Uuh, sorry random fangirl, but you must have me mistaken for Bakura. He's the one who enjoys getting assaulted.
REBECCA: Don't you recognize me?
YUGI: Oh, so you're someone from my past that I haven't seen in a really, really, long time?
YUGI: Are you my parents?
JOEY: Nyeh, Yug, it's just that crazy broad, Rebecca from Season 1!
YUGI: Huh. She seems...different somehow. (he contrasts Rebecca's past appearance with her current appearance) Oh, right she's wearing glasses. That must be what it is.
REBECCA: You never accepted my friend request on Facebook!
YUGI: Oh, well, I rarely even use my-
REBECCA: (interrupts and hugs Yugi again) Accept my friend request! Otherwise, we can't be friends IRL!
YUGI: Oh right, cause that's how that works.
JOEY: First, Rex and Weevil, now this chick! Who're we gonna bump into next, huh? Freakin' Johnny Steps?
TRISTAN: How do you know who that is?
REBECCA: Let's go to the museum! My grandfather has made some amazing discoveries! Plus, we can discuss our budding relationship on the way!
YUGI: Sure, my good pal Téa would be very supportive of that. (a jealous Téa emerges from behind the pair) If there's one thing she likes, it's when people get real friendly with each other.
TÉA:(rising up behind Yugi and Rebecca) STOP ABUSING THE CONCEPT OF FRIENDSHIP!!!!
(cut to Domino City Museum)
ARTHUR: Yugi, I have learned something truly extraordinary!
YUGI: Tell us, oh wise one.
ARTHUR: Five thousand years ago, the Egyptians would seal monsters into giant tablets and force them to do their bidding, in a kind of (stutters to find the right words)...competitive combat.
YUGI: Right... that's... yeah, we know.
ARTHUR: These were the Shadow Games, and they almost threatened to destroy the world.
YUGI: (yawns) Yeah, ok, yeah, ok...
ARTHUR: But a great Pharaoh was able to banish the darkness and save us all.
YUGI: (sarcastically) Oh my God! This is an eye-opening discovery! You must have spent years researching it! Even though you could find that exact same information on the back of any given Yu-Gi-Oh! DVD! (holds a copy of Yu-Gi-Oh!: Pyramid of Light)
ARTHUR: There's more; I recently stumbled upon the lost city of Atlantis.
CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]
TÉA: I read a great book about that once!
ARTHUR: Uh, how does that, in any way, add to the conversation?
TÉA: (quickly) Okay, I admit it; I never read the book.
(flashback; Arthur and his team arrive at Atlantis' ruins)
ARTHUR: In Atlantis, I found many carvings on the walls that looked exactly like Duel Monsters. (end flashback; Arthur shows the group the photos he took of the carvings)
SOLOMON: Do you know what this means?! This discovery could completely rewrite history!
YUGI: (looking through the photos) No, it would just mean there would be even more history...nothing would have to be rewritten. It would just be longer.
SOLOMON: History itself is in peril!
TÉA: I read a great book about history once.
ARTHUR: If my theory is correct, there is a parallel world connected to ours inhabited by Duel Monsters. (Paul Blart is among the Duel Monsters montage) And all throughout history, people have been able to release them into our dimension!
YUGI: Professor Hawkins, did you, by any chance, get your archaeology degree from the University of Phoenix?
ARTHUR: Why, yes I--
YUGI: (interrupts Arther) Online?
ARTHUR: I fail to see how that--
YUGI: (interrupts Arther again) Noooow it all makes sense. By the way, I took this shiny, green stone from the guy I killed. (digs into his pocket and shows Arthur the pendant he took)
TÉA: I read a great book about killing once.
ARTHUR: Remarkable. (takes the pendant) I shall have to study this. (looks at the pendant up close several inches from his face)
TÉA: I read a great book about--
ARTHUR: (interrupts Téa) Analysis complete! It's definitely a shiny, green stone!
TRISTAN: This guy's dumber than me!
(Rebecca kicks Tristan's shin)
TRISTAN: (clutching his leg in pain) Ow, my penis!
REBECCA: Serves you right for being a boy who isn't Yugi!
(Yami appears to Yugi)
YAMI: (telepathically) Hey, Yugi. You gonna hit that?
YUGI: (telepathically) Mmm...No.
YAMI: Shame. (pause) Damn shame.
(cut to temple)
DARTZ: Welcome back, my fewwow Orichalcamaloses! Pwease step fowward, and tell me of yo' quest.
DARTZ: (proceeds to take the God Cards from the case) Wighteous, man! With these here Gawd cards, nothing can stop me from wealizing my plan for pawawyzing the entire world! Watch as I wewease the Gweat Weviathan! (places the God cards in niches in the temple)
RAFAEL: You're going to release a violin?
DARTZ: No, mayn, a Weviathan!
ALISTER: You're going into retirement? But you're so young!
DARTZ: A big monster.
DARTZ: Your dyk can't save you now, Phawoh! (laughs evilly as the energy from the God Cards is released from the temple)
(cut to Yugi having a nightmare)
VOICE: Yugi! We need your help!
(Yugi is taken to the inside of the Millennium Puzzle)
YUGI: Did you hear that, Yami? A girl!
YAMI: Indeed! We must hide the comic books and action figures!
KURIBOH: (on a staircase, bouncing up and down) Do-dala! Do-dala! Do-dala! (leaves)
YUGI: I think that Kuriboh wants us to follow him.
YAMI: I don't know. The last time I was lured in by some hairy balls, it was not a pleasant experience. Oh, who am I kidding? It was very pleasurable. (short pause) Yugi. Balls.
YUGI: Uh, yeah.
(cut to a door)
YUGI: A door!
YAMI: Stand back, Yugi! Let the pro handle this! (grabs door handle; opens door) King of Doors, bitch!
YUGI: This place looks like it was designed by Frank Miller.
YAMI: Where dem hoes at?
(a silhouette of a girl is running down the corridor)
GIRL: Follow me, Pharaoh! I'll explain everything!
YAMI: Dere dem hoes at!
(Yami and Yugi are falling in the sky and see a castle below them)
YAMI: I had no idea there was a portal to Middle-Earth in my soul room.
YUGI: This isn't Middle-Earth, Yami. Just because you see a castle it doesn't immediately suggest--
YAMI: (interrupts Yugi) Then what about that over there? (cut to a grotesque-looking eye) That's two points for Middle-Earth, zero for Yugi.
YUGI: Hey, I want a point!
(both are enveloped in light and pulled in towards the castle)
YUGI: Hey, your ball's bigger than mine! I resent that!
(the pair arrives at the castle interior and land holding hands)
YAMI: Aaaannnnd...ship confirmed.
(Dark Magician Girl appears in front of the pair)
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: I'm grateful to see both of you here!
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Uuuhhh...
YAMI: (quickly) Three points.
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Both of our worlds are connected. Kind of like the movie,"'Tomorrowland", only it's not a pile of sh*t. We have a symbiotic relationship with your universe. But unfortunately, a gateway has been forced open between our worlds and unleashed a terrible beast!
YAMI: Voldemort, right?
YUGI: That's not even--never mind.
YAMI: (quickly) Four points.
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: These three dragons saved us from the beast 10,000 years ago. But then they turned to crystal, sleeping for several millennia.
YAMI: You know who'd like it here? Kaiba. What, with all the dragons and stuff? Let's not tell him about it.
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Legend states that three brave heroes will succeed in waking the dragons.
TRISTAN: (pops up from the lower right hand corner of the screen) Hey, that's the title of this season! (The title of the fourth season of Yu-Gi-Oh!, Waking The Dragons appears next to Tristan) Bye now! (leaves, title goes with him)
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: I believe that you, Pharaoh, are one of those three warriors. Now retrieve the sword and release the dragon Timaeus!
YAMI: Let's do it, Yugi!
YUGI: I've been so patient!
(both grab the sword plunged into Timaeus and struggle to pull it off)
YUGI: It's pretty tight in there.
YAMI: Maybe if we had some manner of lubricant.
YUGI: Try smacking it! I hear that helps.
(Yami proceeds to hit the sword as Dark Magician Girl watches)
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: (unamused) I was not prepared to watch this happen today.
(Yugi and Yami pull the sword free)
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: At last, the dragon Timaeus is freed from his prison! And now he has bonded with you, Pharaoh! His power to do with as you wish.
YAMI: Speaking of power, Pot of Greed, what does it do?
YUGI: Pharaoh, you know what Pot of Greed does! Everyone knows!
YAMI: Quiet, Yugi! We must learn of their culture.
(Yugi and Yami are taken back to the game shop; Yugi leaves the game shop to see his grandpa standing alone)
YUGI: Grandpa! What's going on out here?!
SOLOMON: History is being rewritten as we speak!
YUGI: Okay, so you're a lost cause.
(Yugi meets up with his friends)
JOEY: It's not looking good, Yug. If that thing is as dangerous as it looks, we may as well close the book on our lives.
(a large, green crystal in the sky absorbs energy)
TÉA: I read a great book about books once.
TRISTAN: This is the best damn Cirque du Soleil show I've ever seen! (the crystal cracks to reveal a yellow, glowing eye)
DARTZ: Attack them, Weviathan! Weave no twaces! Weak yo havoc, mayn!
(the Leviathan releases a columned gust of wind that envelops Yugi)
JOEY: Yugi! Noooo!!!!
YUGI: If...even...one of you...makes a Sharknado reference, I will wrench you so hard, when-- (Yugi's Duel Disk glows; he takes out a card) Wait! This card! It's the Legendary Dragon! Try this on for size, you Sauron-looking motherf*cker! (summons Timaeus, who breathes a stream of fire at the Leviathan's eye)
YAMI: Five points.
DARTZ: What the heww, Weviathan?! We had an agweement! You agweed to not be a wittle bitch, but now you're being a wittle bitch! (as the eye disappears) Aw, god, aw, worst day of my life.
(Yugi examines the card he just used; Dark Magician Girl appears in front of Yugi)
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Thanks to you, Pharaoh, evil has been thwarted. But the great beast is not done yet. The legend states he will return at the end of the season, where you will be powerful enough to stop him.
YUGI: (Yami appears next to him) Okay, since we did your dirty work, can we ask another question about the spirit world?
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Very well.
YUGI: Okay, so here's what confuses me about--
YAMI: (interrupts Yugi) What does Pot of Greed do?!
CAPTION: [Rex and Weevil were put up for adoption the next day]
(stinger; cut to game shop)
(cut to Yugi's room, Yami is humming the Lord of the Rings theme while Yugi sleeps; Yugi gets irritated enough to wake up)
YUGI: Pharaoh, I'm trying to sleep!
YAMI: Six points!