← "Seto Kaiba vs. The World" #53: "O Mokuba, Where Art Thou?" "They Saved Tristan's Brain" →
Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Yugi (only in opening), Téa Gardner, Yugi Muto, Crump, Marik Ishtar, Mokuba Kaiba, Noah Kaiba, Seto Kaiba, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor (as robot monkey), Serenity Wheeler, Melvin, Gozaburo Kaiba, Duke Devlin

Running Time: 9:07


(Standard Flying Cards Opening)

YAMI: I just realized what the A stands for in Yu-Gi-Oh! ZeXal (pronounced "zeal")! Don't make it!

(Cut to closeup of Téa)

CRUMP: (in Téa's body, singing)
I don't want
Anybody else!
When I think about penguins I touch myself!

YUGI: (He doesn't turn to see Téa) Téa, are you feeling okay? You've been acting way more horny than usual. And that's saying something.

CRUMP: Can't say I've noticed, Yugi

MARIK: (in Téa's body) Oh, for the love of frig! Will you quit it already?!

CRUMP: (in Téa's body) Wait! Who said that?

MARIK: (Appearing in Téa's left eye) It's me, Marik Ishtar! And for the record, I was possessing this girl way before it was cool.

CRUMP: (Normal look and voice, in Téa's right eye) How the hell did you get in here?

MARIK: It's a long story that involves the name Steve. I must admit, I'm not really used to being inside women, don't think I like it very much... How did you get in here?

CRUMP: Well, first I was an old man, then I was a penguin, now I'm a delicious teenage girl.

MARIK: Yeah, reincarnation's a bitch like that.

CRUMP: Hmm, how to make this work... I know! We can be roommates!

MARIK: More like mind-mates!

(Marik & Crump both laugh)

MARIK: Yeah but no, that would never work out.

CRUMP: Why not?

MARIK: Because I'm kicking you out.

(Crump, as Nightmare Penguin, is kicked out of Téa's body, then disappears in a twinkle in the sky)

CRUMP: Aaaaaahhhhhh!...twinkle.

MARIK: Oh yeah! I'm still the man! Who just happens to look like a woman.

YUGI: Téa, you okay?

TÉA: (now in control of her body again) Huh? Yeah, I'm fine, I— wait, why does my mouth taste like fish?!

(Title sequence: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Cancelled Series)

(Mokuba & Noah are sitting on a couch together watching SpongeBob)

MOKUBA: I can't wait 'till my brother gets here! He loves not watching this with me!

NOAH: (thinking) Mokuba still cares for his brother! I have to correct this at once with my very own virtual Kaiba program. (aloud) Look Mokuba, your brother has come to save you.

(A holographic Seto Kaiba appears)

MOKUBA: Seto! You're really here!

KAIBA: (computerized voice) ERROR, ERROR, ERROR, ERROR...

("Kaiba" continues saying ERROR as Mokuba talks)

MOKUBA: Wait, that's not Seto! He's way too expressive.

NOAH: Hold on a sec.

KAIBA: Rebooting...

NOAH: There we go!

KAIBA: Hello, insert name of sibling.

MOKUBA: He remembers my name!

KAIBA: I have been programmed to tell you that I do not love you anymore. Also everything I ever told you was a lie.

MOKUBA: Does that include the part about not loving me?

KAIBA: Negative.


NOAH: Initiate bitchslap subroutine!

KAIBA: Subroutine initiated.

(Kaiba slaps Mokuba, a picture of Bender holding an "applause" pancard briefly shows up)


(The fake Kaiba walks away)

NOAH: Poor Mokuba, abandoned by the only family he's ever known. (Noah grabs Mokuba's shoulder and starts holding him tightly) But we can be a family together, Mokuba. Just you and me... Brothers...

MOKUBA: I don't think brothers are supposed to touch each other like th—

NOAH: Just pretend we're Siamese twins.

MOKUBA: Okay... Still feels weird.

(Cuts to the bridge where Kaiba dueled Leichter in episode 52)

KAIBA: Well, I beat Leichter, now where the hell is my brother?

NOAH: (offscreen) Hahahahahaha! You'll never find Mokuba, not in a million years, Seto. Hahahahaha!

KAIBA: What if I go into that tunnel over there?

NOAH: (offscreen) Oh please... without a vehicle you'll never get here in time to save him.

YUGI: Don't worry Kaiba, you can ride with us!

JOEY: I hope you like sing alongs, Kaiba!

KAIBA: (runs in the tunnel) Runningrunningrunningrunningrunningrunning...

JOEY: ...Kaiba?

KAIBA: (still running) Must... get... away... from dweebs... specifically Joey... Hate... so intense... makes me faster...


KAIBA: Mokuba! Is that you?

MOKUBA: Seto... you abandoned me.

KAIBA: Yeah, but this time it was only halfway intentional!

MOKUBA (his voice merges with Noah's): It's time to learn the truth, Seto. (Mokuba slowly transforms back to Noah) Hahahaha!

(Noah teleports Kaiba and himself)

KAIBA: I still prefer this to the sing along.

(Cut to Yugi and Téa at a crossroad in the tunnel)

YUGI: I wonder which way we should go.

TÉA: This way! (goes to the left)

YUGI: Wait, Téa! How do you know he went that way?

TÉA: Women's intuition!

CAPTIONS: [that's how the japanese did it]

[now let's see how 4kids did it]

YUGI: Wait Téa! How do you know he went that way?

TÉA: I have no idea what I'm doing!

CAPTION: [very progressive!]

(Cut to Joey, Duke, Serenity and Tristan)

JOEY: Yug! Téa!

TRISTAN: (as robot monkey) Quick! We have to follow them!

SERENITY: Wait you guys, I think the robot monkey senses danger in there!

JOEY: Oh, well in that case we definitively shouldn't follow them.

TRISTAN: (rubbing against Serenity's chest) You are the only one who understands me, Serenity's boobs!

SERENITY: Now he senses danger in my cleavage!

(Cut to Melvin, still at the blimp)

MELVIN: Bored now! I never thought I'd be able to grow tired of tormenting two effeminate Germans, but I suppose I can surprise even myself. (looks at a locked door in front of him) What's this?! A locked door? Impossible! ...Wait, no, it's totally possible, what am I talking about? Behold, door! I shall now defeat you with my superior mental mind powers! Grant me access! I command you!

DIGITAL VOICE: Please enter access code.

MELVIN: (types words on the door keyboard as he says them) "STAB"...

DIGITAL VOICE: Access denied.


DIGITAL VOICE: Access denied.

MELVIN: MUTILA—... (types "MUTI") Oh dammit, there's not enough spaces! Okay, um... "PAIN"...

DIGITAL VOICE: Access denied.

MELVIN: Why are these the only words I know?!

(Back to Yugi and Téa, looking at an abandoned mansion)

YUGI: What is this place? It looks like it's been abandoned for years!

TÉA: Since I am a woman I have no idea where we are.

(A baby can be heard crying)

YUGI: Listen! Is that a baby crying?

TÉA: I have no idea what a baby is, because I am a woman.

YUGI: We'd better get in there and find it.

TÉA: And then we eat it right?

YUGI: Oh, silly Téa! We don't eat babies!

TÉA: Oh... Me woman, me dumb.

(Cuts to inside the mansion, where Yugi and Téa are searching for the baby, checking different rooms)

NOAH: (whispering a lullaby)
Hush little Mokuba, don't say a word...
Noah's going to keep you in the virtual world...
And if your brother tries to moan...
Noah's going to turn his body into stone...

KAIBA: (falling from the ceiling) Ahhhhhhhhhh... I'm rich!

NOAH: Seto, how unexpected. And by unexpected I mean totally expected, ha!

KAIBA: Can it with the Phineas and Ferb jokes, you tiny shorts-wearing freak! I'm here for my brother.

NOAH: Well, Mokuba, do you want to go with the nice man?

MOKUBA: He keeps touching me, Seto; it's so weird!

NOAH: Like we rehearsed, Mokuba.

MOKUBA: Oh. Right. You're not my brother anymore, Seto. Noah is!

KAIBA: What have you done to him, you snake?!

NOAH: I told him the truth. The truth about you, Seto.

MOKUBA: And he gave me doughnuts. That's what really swayed me.

NOAH: Yes. But I also told him that you never really loved him.

MOKUBA: Yeah! Because you never gave me doughnuts!

KAIBA: Really? This is about... doughnuts?

NOAH: Doughnuts, sprinkled with the truth.

MOKUBA: And filled with delicious jelly!

NOAH: Mokuba, you're ruining the metaphor.

MOKUBA: Oh... What's a metaphor?

NOAH: Face it, Seto. You've never been a good brother to Mokuba. Think of all the times you've allowed him to be kidnapped. Admit it! You don't really care about him.

KAIBA: Yes I do!

NOAH: No, you don't! You probably can't even recite the theme song to his favorite cartoon.

KAIBA: His favorite what? I mean, uh, of course I can!

NOAH: Go on, Seto. Prove that you love Mokuba. Sing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.

KAIBA: Oh. Uh. No problem. Uh. (singing off-key) SpongePants!.. SquareBob... He's a friendly little guy!... (stops singing) Is that it? Am I close?


KAIBA: Damn it!

YUGI: Kaiba! You're okay!

KAIBA: Yugi! What are you doing here? Why aren't you with those friends of yours?

YUGI: Oh, those guys are probably fine.

(Cut to the Big Five attacking the others, with Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing)

JOEY: Nyeh! Serenity! Take the wheel!

(Cut back)

YUGI: After all, Joey is looking after them.

(Cut back to Big Five attack)

JOEY: Nyeeeeeeh!

DUKE: (sent flying into the air as the truck flips over) Noooooo!

SERENITY: Apply the handbrake, you moron! 

(Cut back)

YUGI: But look what we found!

(Yugi gives Kaiba a photo)

KAIBA: I don't know how to tell you this, Yugi, but this is a picture of you in a tutu.

YUGI: Oh! Sorry, wrong photo. Here.

KAIBA: This has to be some kind of trick! That's Noah, with my step-father! And according to the imprinted date this was taken several years ago, but he looks the same age as he does now!

YUGI: Well, this is an anime show. Who knows how old any of us are supposed to be. Serenity looks like she's sixteen, I look like I'm ten. What do you think, Téa?

TÉA: I have no idea what is happening because I am a—

YUGI: Téa agrees.

NOAH: It's no illusion, Seto. Your step-father and I were very close.

(Smooth transition into flashback)

GOZABURO: Ah, Good. You must be the new man servant I ordered.

NOAH: No, father, it's me! Your biological son!

GOZABURO: I have no son!! Oh wait, yes I do! Look! I just adopted 'im. Isn't he adorable?

NOAH: But I'm your real son. You've raised me for ten years!

GOZABURO: I'm pretty sure I'd remember something like that. Now get back to swabbing the floors.

NOAH: But I—

GOZABURO: Swabbing I say!

(Back to the present)

KAIBA: Noah is my step-brother? This is totally unexpected. And by unexpected I mean totally expected.

NOAH: So know you know the truth, Seto. It seems you and I aren't so different after all.

KAIBA: You're nothing like me! You're a self-centered, heartless bastard!

NOAH: Hello, pot. My name is kettle. You're black.

KAIBA: Your hair is green! Mine is brown!

MOKUBA: Can I have another doughnut?

KAIBA & NOAH (together): Shut up, Mokuba!

(brief silence)

KAIBA: (looks surprised) ...That was weird.

(Cuts back to the others)

DUKE: Bad news, guys. The car's been totaled.

JOEY: The only thing that can raise our spirits now is a sing along! (sings) SpongePants! SquareBob! He's a friendly little guy!...

(Duke feels annoyed)

YUGI: Hey guys! We found you! Thank god you're alright! Joey I was worried s—ahhh!

JOEY: (hugs Yugi very tight) Friendship headlock!

YUGI: Joey, I can't breathe!...

JOEY: Friendship piledriver!

YUGI: No! (smack) Argh!

KAIBA: (looking at the photo) This photograph is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I guess it's finally time I admitted the truth: (picture turns out to be the wrong one) He really does look damn good in one of those.

(Ending: "Gitchi Gitchi Goo" song from Phineas and Ferb)

CAPTION: [4Kids, but apparently not 4Women]

(Stinger, from Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL)

ASTRAL: Space, space. I wanna go to space. Space. I wanna go. Wanna go to space. Let's go in space. Ooh ooh. Hi, where are we going? Let's go in space. I love space. I'm the best in space. Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

Post Ending: Melvin still trying to open the bitchy door

MELVIN: "1 1 1 1!"

DIGITAL VOICE: Access denied.

MELVIN: "1 1 1 2!"

DIGITAL VOICE: Access denied.

MELVIN: "1 1 1 3!"

DIGITAL VOICE: Access denied.

MELVIN: "1 1 1 4!"

DIGITAL VOICE: Access denied.

MELVIN: This door is a bitch!

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