← "How Kaiba Got His Groove Back" #61: "Muerte Pinata" "Winged Dragon of Rawr!" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Joey Wheeler, Téa Gardner, Tristan Taylor, Duke Devlin, Melvin, Seto Kaiba, Gruber, Ishizu Ishtar, Mai Valentine, Yugi Muto, Marik Ishtar, Odion Ishtar, Mokuba Kaiba

Running time: 13:18


(standard flying cards opening)

YAMI: By the time you're done watching this episode, our YouTube account will probably be taken down. See ya!

(outside Duel Tower)

JOEY: Hey, Yug, what's the big idea just walking out in the middle of my Duel with Kaiba?!

YAMI: I'm sorry, Joey. I had to deal with a very annoying sub-plot. What did I miss?

JOEY: Oh, eh, well, I— I totally beat him! Yeah, I was, uh, I beat the guy. I beat Kaiba. That's what happened.

YAMI: (sarcastically) Really? How did you overcome his various Dragon-themed stratagems?

JOEY: Eeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh...."Time Roulette go?"

YAMI: Nice. That's what I would've done too.

JOEY: Yeah.

YAMI: Yes, you must be so proud of beating Kaiba and winning the coveted bronze medal! (laughing) Oh, that never gets old! (continues laughing)

TRISTAN: I'm proud of you for winning, Joey. (places a hand on Joey's shoulder) You're my hero.

JOEY: Shut the f**k up, Tristan.

(opening; Yami's laughter continues throughout)

YAMI: (as opening finishes) Bronze medal... ohoho... that's funny.

(on top of Duel Tower; Yami and Joey climb to the top)

MELVIN: What's up, fothermuckers? Pharaoh, I'm going to enjoy crushing you.

YAMI: And I'm going to enjoy beating you in a trading card game, thereby preventing you from doing anything evil ever again.

MELVIN: This, from the guy who had slaves build him his very own pyramid.

YAMI: That was a birthday gift from me to me. And besides, my slaves were treated extremely well. Only half of them died from excess whipping. (cut to Melvin) The rest died from overexposure. (cut back to Yami) I was a very merciful guy.

MELVIN: Trust me, I won't be.

KAIBA: Yugi! Use this card to defeat Marik! Ha! (throws a card at Yami; he catches it)

YAMI: Do you have to throw them like that? Really?

KAIBA: (still yelling) Yeeeees!

YAMI: Oh, yes, Kaiba. I see what you mean. I will definitely be able to defeat Marik with this card. Nice, I'm going to win. I'm going to win with the card that Kaiba gave me, yes!

(Melvin snickers)

YAMI: I mean, um, this card is lame. A lame card, why would you give me such a lame card, Kaiba? What were you thinking; it was such a lame idea! You lame-o! Stupid! Stupid lame-o! (whispering) Kaiba! I think he's buying it!

KAIBA: You have such a good poker face, Yugi.

YAMI: Yes, I do. What's poker?

MELVIN: It's what I'll be ramming into your lower intestines when I'm done with you in this ultimate card game, Pharaoh!

YAMI: Okay. Ew?

(Melvin laughs maniacally as he shuffles his Deck)

MELVIN: I don't even need to look at my cards while I shuffle them, Pharaoh!

YAMI: Neither do I, Marik! (cards slip out of Yami's Deck while he shuffles it) I'm so good at this!

MELVIN: Um, you dropped a few cards.

YAMI: No, I didn't. (cards continue to slip out of his Deck) I'm extremely competent! Yes, look at my nimble fingers!

MELVIN: You should probably watch what you're doing. (a card sticks to his face)

YAMI: (even more cards continue to fly out of his Deck) King of Games, bitch!

MELVIN: Once, you were the King of Games, now you'll eat humble pie.

GRUBER (hand raised in the air, counting rhythmically): One, two, three, four!

(the Duel starts; King of Spain by Moxy Fruvous plays in the background)

ISHIZU: Thank you, Kaiba.

KAIBA: For what?

ISHIZU: Giving the Pharaoh your card was an incredible display of faith. You finally believe he is destined to defeat my brother.

KAIBA: I believe that about as much as I believe that there is a minimum wage for my employees. Look, Ishizu, Yugi is no Pharaoh. I can't allow myself to accept that.

ISHIZU: Why? Because you don't believe in magic?

KAIBA: No. I just don't believe in people who are richer and more powerful than me.

JOEY: Beat that Marik creep, Yug!

TRISTAN: Yeah! Beat him like Joey beat Kaiba!

KAIBA: What?

JOEY: (off-screen) Nothing!

MELVIN: Swiggity-Swaggo Realm, say hello to the Shadow Realm! (raises his Millennium Rod and covers the area in the Shadow Realm, while laughing evilly)

YAMI: You know, it's really more of a Purple Realm than a Shadow Realm.

MELVIN: Since I'm about to end you, Pharaoh—

YAMI: Shadows aren't really known for being purple.

MELVIN: Silence!

YAMI: I'm just sayin'.

MELVIN: I think it only appropriate that I remind you what you're fighting for. Say hello to Mai Valentine!

(Mai moans as her hourglass descends)

YAMI: Hello, Mai.

(Mai once again moans as she is taken away)

YAMI: Bye, Mai.

MELVIN: And now, meet my next victim! Your very own hetero-lifemate, Yugi Muto!

YAMI: Yugi! You have your own body?

YUGI: Marik must be using fanfic powers!

YAMI: He truly is our most evil adversary! (pronounces "ad-VER-sa-ry") "Adversary"? ("AD-ver-sa-ry") Advers— adver— he— he's a dick!

MELVIN: My weaker self is also at stake in this Duel! (gestures to Marik Ishtar)

MARIK: (asleep and snoring) Zzz... No, Bakura, don't eat your spaghetti with your mouth open, it gets everywhere... told you not to do that...

MELVIN: If one of us loses, we'll be sacrificing our other halves to the Shadow Realm.

YAMI: Purple Realm.

MELVIN: Silence!

YAMI: I'm just sayin'.

MELVIN: Then try this on for size! Vampiric Leech! Attack the Pharaoh directly!

(Yugi screams in pain as part of his leg disappears and Yami's Life Points fall to 3500)

YUGI: My leg! My ballet career is ruined!

YAMI: Stop being so adversarial (ad-ver-SA-rial), Marik! Adversarial— (ad-VER-sa-rial) adver— adversary— stop being a dick, Marik!

MELVIN: With every Life Point you lose, your partner suffers.

YAMI: I don't believe you!


YAMI: You're trying to psych me out, Marik! But it won't work!

MELVIN: Juragedo! Attack Queen's Knight! (Melvin's monster attacks Yami's monster and destroys it)

(Yugi cringes in pain as part of his arm disappears)

YUGI: Oh, God, my arm! My ping-pong career is ruined!

YAMI: I think I would know if Yugi was in pain.

YUGI: I am in so much pain!

YAMI: I feel everything he feels. We are soul mates.

YUGI: I can feel my soul wasting away!

YAMI: We are closer than even the most intimate of lovers.

YUGI: I want a divorce!

MELVIN: (laughs) I promised you piñatas, Pharaoh. Now let's see how many times I have to strike yours before delicious candy falls out. (sticks his tongue out)

YAMI: Is the tongue thing really necessary?

MELVIN: I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy. (licks his lips)

YAMI: Geez! You're like an evil Gene Simmons! Correction: You're like Gene Simmons!

MELVIN: Prepare for your destruction, Pharaoh!

YAMI: I have a name, you know!

MELVIN: Really? What is it?

YAMI: I don't know.

KAIBA: (thinking) I know exactly what Marik's doing. He's setting Yugi up so that he can Summon his Winged Dragon of Ra. It's the same strategy that he used in his Duel with me, only this time I don't think it's going to—

YAMI: (interrupting Kaiba's thoughts with his own) I don't know what Marik's up to, but he won't be able to stop me once I Summon Slifer the

KAIBA: (thinking) Wait, who is that?

YAMI: (thinking) Kaiba! Is that you?

KAIBA: (thinking) Yeah, I was just in the middle of an inner monologue.

YAMI: (thinking) Oh, you have those too.

KAIBA: (thinking) All the time. What do you think I'm doing when we're Dueling and I'm just standing there not talking for, like, 10 minutes?

YAMI: (thinking) I always just assumed you're really slow.

KAIBA: (thinking) Look, just try not to interrupt my inner monologues in the future—

TRISTAN: (interrupting Kaiba's thoughts with his own) I don't know what Marik's up to. But what I do know is that I'm really hungry, and I could go for some French fried potatoes. Maybe some hot dogs. Some mustard and—

YAMI and KAIBA: (simultaneously thinking) Tristan!

TRISTAN: (thinking) What?

YAMI and KAIBA: (simultaneously thinking) Wait your turn. We're inner monologuing.

TRISTAN: (thinking) Oh, you guys do that too?

YAMI: (thinking) Yes.

TRISTAN: (thinking) I always thought you were just really slow.

MELVIN: Now watch, as I unleash my great beast! The Winged Dragon of Ra! (cleaning his ear) What's that, Pharaoh? You give up because you have no chance against my God Card?

YAMI: I didn't say that.

MELVIN: What's that? (puts his hand to his ear) "I'm much better at this game than you ever were?"

YAMI: I would never say that or think it!

MELVIN: "And you're going to pull down your pants and let me spank you when I've won?"

YAMI: How are you even getting that from what I'm saying?! Are you drunk? Because that's the only way it would sound like I'm saying those things! Either that, or you're crazy. Oh, that's right, I forgot who I was Dueling for a second.

MELVIN: I now sacrifice all but 1 of my Life Points to merge with Ra, raising its Attack Points! (the ATK of Ra rises to 2999, while Melvin's Life Points are cut to 1) Now all you can do is watch as you and your partner are banished to the Shadow Realm!

YAMI: Purple Realm.

MELVIN: Silence!

YAMI: I'm just sayin'.

MELVIN: Honestly, you're this close to being thrown to the shadows.

YAMI: You mean, thrown to the purples.

MELVIN: Silence!

YAMI: I'm just sayin'.

YUGI: Pharaoh! You have to draw the card that Kaiba gave you!

YAMI: But how, Yugi? The odds of me doing that are, like, a billion to one.

YUGI: Believe in the Heart of the Cards.

YAMI: The heart of the wha?

YUGI: The Heart of the Cards.

YAMI: Doesn't ring a bell.

YUGI: We've been talking about it for three seasons!

YAMI: Oh, okay. What does it look like?

YUGI: What?

YAMI: I need to picture it in my head. Is it an actual heart?

YUGI: No, it's not a literal heart, it's more of an idea.

YAMI: Sorry, Yugi. I'm from Ancient Egypt. We believe in very specific real-life things. Like giant red dragons with two mouths. Or the idea that a strange dog person waits for us in the afterlife so that he can weigh our souls with a cheap kitchen scale. You know, believable things.

YUGI: Look, you'll probably just draw the card anyway. Give it a shot.

YAMI: Behold, the card that Kaiba gave me, Fiend's Sanctuary!

MELVIN: Impossible! You drew the card without even looking at it?!

YAMI: (slurred speech) Kyehs!


YAMI: (slurred speech) Kyehs!

MELVIN: Is that— you're saying "yes"?

YAMI: (slurred speech) Kyehs!

MELVIN: I-it sounds like you're just saying "Kyeeyss!"

YAMI: (slurred speech) Nooo, Marik, I am saying "kyehsss!"

MELVIN: Are you trying to make it sound more dramatic or something by slurring your words? Because it doesn't really work.

YAMI: (slurred speech) Not so fast, Marik!

CAPTION: [actual 4Kids "dialogue"]

MELVIN: You're not even speaking English at this point!

YAMI: And now, watch as I Summon my Metal Fiend to force your Winged Dragon of Ra to attack you instead of me!


YAMI: Kyeess!

MELVIN: Nooooooo!

YAMI: Kyeess!


YAMI: What?

MELVIN: I used my De-Fusion Magic Card to separate myself from Ra, thus cancelling my attack.

YAMI: Heart of the Cards? More like Heart of my Ass!

YUGI: I don't think I wanna believe in that.

YAMI: Now I sacrifice my Metal Fiends to Summon Obelisk the Tormentor, the card that I won from Kaiba! Thanks for not being butthurt about that by the way.

KAIBA: (offscreen) F**k you.

YAMI: You're welcome.

MELVIN: Wait, er, hold on a second. Eh, let's play something else. How about "Rock-Paper-Scissors"?

YAMI: Okay, I choose Rock. What do you choose, Marik?


(Obelisk punches Melvin, sending him flying to the other side of the arena)

YAMI: Sorry! Rock beats "Um".

(Melvin is knocked to the wall of the arena)

YAMI: Are you having fun yet, Marik?

MELVIN: Oh, believe me, Pharaoh. I haven't even begun to enjoy myself. Bleh! (sticks out his tongue again)

YAMI: Oh, goody.

MELVIN: Now, my Metal Reflect Slime will make an exact replica of your Obelisk the Tormentor!

YAMI: No way! Where did you get a Shiny Obelisk? Did you catch that from my Friend Safari?

MELVIN: No, I— You just saw me use my Metal Reflect Slime to—

YAMI: We should trade! Let's trade!

KAIBA: (offscreen, angrily) I just gave you that card, don't f***ing trade it!

YAMI: I'mma trade it.

KAIBA: (offscreen) No!

MELVIN: Now all you can do is wait for me to re-Summon my Winged Dragon of Ra, and then this game is over!

YAMI: I'll throw in a Fiend's Sancturary for that shiny Obelisk.

KAIBA: (offscreen) Don't you dare trade my Fiend's Sanctuary!

YAMI: I'mma trade it.

KAIBA: (offscreen) No!

MELVIN: (arms crossed in front of him) Everybody shut the f**k up and be intimidated by me!

TRISTAN: (offscreen) I'm scared.

YAMI: Great, look what you did, you scared Tristan. Are you happy?

MELVIN: (frustrated) Yes, I'm very f**king happy! I'm that hap-hap-happiest kid in the world! I feel like I'm in f**king Legoland right now! Whoop-dee-f**king-do! I could just explode with happiness! That's just how f**king happy I am!

YAMI: You don't look very happy.

(Melvin screams)

(cut to Odion's bedroom in the blimp; Odion himself is unconscious. Marik appears in ghost form)

MARIK: (thinking) What's up, O-Bro? It's me, Marik. Since I'm about to die, I thought I'd come tell you, uh, you were the greatest brother I've ever had. And you weren't such a bad henchman either. Is there anything you want to say to me? Maybe along those lines? Maybe something like, "Marik, you are the finest man I've ever known?" "You were the sexiest villain of all time?" "And I will always admire you and do your bidding, even in death". You know, something like that, only more of that. Good talk, Odion. (disappears) And by the way, I've left some Gummi Bears in my room.

ODION: (suddenly wakes up, thinking) Gummi Bears?!

(cut back to Duel)

TRISTAN: Have you guys ever noticed that Yugi starts acting like a different person when he Duels?

TÉA: That's because he is a different person.

TRISTAN: (interrupting) His voice gets all deep and he seems to grow taller...

TÉA: That's because he's a different person.

TRISTAN: It's really weird.

TÉA: (off-screen) You're really weird.

TRISTAN: I guess we'll never really know why that happens.

MELVIN: Pharaoh! Behold, my victory! At long last, I will have justice! And the tomb keeper lineage will be avenged!

YAMI: You know, Marik, it's okay to be a giant bitch. But you don't have to be such a giant bitch about it.

(Odion arrives)

ODION: Master Marik...

MELVIN: Odion!

TÉA: Odion?!

JOEY Odion?!

ODION: Master Marik...

YAMI: Marik!

MELVIN: Pharaoh!

ODION: Master... Marik...

MELVIN: Odion!

YAMI: Marik!

MELVIN: Pharaoh!


KAIBA: Yugi!

ODION: Master Marik!

TRISTAN: Tristan!


YAMI: It's over, Marik! I activate Ragnarok! Now the spirits of all the monsters in my Deck will combine to defeat your Egyptian God! So prepare yourself, Marik, for the biggest bear-hug of your life!

(Obelisk grabs the throat of Ra, while Slifer coils around Ra's body)

MELVIN: No! No! I know I said I wanted a hug, but I didn't mean it like this! (Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl attack and destroy Melvin) Curse you, Pharaoh!

TÉA: Yugi destroyed Marik's God Card!

JOEY: That means that Marik's evil half is gone, too!

TRISTAN: (shouting) Have you guys ever noticed that Yugi seems different when he Duels? It's so weird!

(Melvin is reduced to an eye)

MELVIN: What?! What is the meaning of this?!

YAMI: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "what the f**k?" (the regular Marik stands there, having regained his original body with only 1 Life Point left)


MARIK: Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.



CAPTION: [to be continued...]

MARIK: It's funny because it's from the Internet.

(stinger; cut to Bonz, Sid and Zygor scaring a bystander in a graveyard with monster masks. Spooky Scary Skeletons by Andrew Gold plays in the background)

(post-ending, cut to Marik talking in his sleep)

MARIK: Zzz... Geez, Bakura, close your mouth, you're getting spaghetti everywhere... Didn't your mother ever teach you how to eat? Oh, she died? Probably from embarrassment because you can't eat friggin' spaghetti.

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