Cast (In order of appearance): Marik Ishtar, characters from Troika's Vampire: The Masquerade, Yami Bakura.

Date: 24-2-2012

Time: 10:05

Special Title: Marik Plays Bloodlines #3

Transcript Edit

[Loading Screen]

Marik (Singing to the tune of Pink Floyd's 'Comfortably Numb'): A distant ship's smoke on the horizon, you are only coming through in waves!

[Wanders around the street.]

Marik (Singing): Your lips move, but I can't hear what what you're saying! There's a stop sign! And a parking barrier! And over there there is a whore!

[Avatar walks directly up to homeless men who stand in front of a barrel with fire in it.]

Marik (Still singing): I'm looking at a bunch of tramps, they are warming themselves by a barrel!

[Approaches the prostitute nearby.]

Marik: Over there, the prostitute!

Prostitute: Hey baby, looking for a date?

Marik: Actually, I'm looking for a place to eat out.

[Chooses: No thanks, I'll pass.]

Marik: Oh, I-I probably shouldn't use those words around you...Might get the wrong impression. Hehe.

[Walks up the road of the street.]

Marik(singing to the tune of Midnight Cowboy's 'Everybody's Talkin'): Everybody's talking at me, I can't hear a word they're saying...Only the bloodlust in my mind!

[There is an alleyway that had a flashing red light and approaches it.]

Marik: Oh, hey! That must be one of those red-light districts I've heard so much about! Huh...That's weird- it doesn't seem all that great. Everybody's always raving about them. It's just... a flashing red light; what's the big deal? I mean, I guess it's kind of cool...

[Avatar is walking down the alleyway, and comes across a door that is marked Blood Bank.]

Marik: Hey: A blood bank! No, no, I- I must resist my vampiric urges.

[Continues to walk through alley]

Marik: Ugh, I must try to blend in with human society. I can't feed on blood; that would just give me away. I have to find a place where humans go to eat; where my food tastes like chemicals and I can supersize my heart-attack.

[Is in the street. On the opposite side of the road, there is a sign for 'Foxy Boxes.']

Marik: Huh, foxy bo- HAAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Walks up to shady characters in the parking lot.]

Marik: Foxy Boxes! Haha, hey guys! Oh, uh, hey guys! Foxy Boxes! That's what the sign says.

[Characters are unresponsive and have blank expressions on their faces.]

Marik: What? I thought it was funny. Geez, tough crowd.

[Spots blurred poster on wall. The Asylum is written on it. The character than proceeds to walks up to the building.]

Marik: Huh, The Asylum? Oh, that must be that building over there. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work there...but it helps! Nya-hahahaha!

[Crosses road and walks down a street where a man is shouting about the apocalypse.]

Marik: Haha, foxy boxes. Wait a second, is it me or is the rain moving in slow motion? Is that one of my vampire powers? To control the weather? Huh, I guess I'll think nothing of it.

[Approaches the man, who holds a sign that says: THE END IS NEAR. The man randomly bursts into his speech.]

Man: The ghouls of your ancestors will rise up and reclaim the flesh that they lent their sorry prodigy!

Marik: Daddy, is that you? No, my mistake; he doesn't have that murderous glint in his eyes that my father has.

Man: The pungent sewage of hell, seeping into the cracks of this putrid, purgatory! Soon, it will wash over and carry you all to the damnation seas!

Marik: I don't know about that; I mean, it looks like it could clear up any time now.

Man: The roots of this city wrap around like a great worm, and all who live in its stinking bowels bloat themselves on apocalypse nectar!

Marik: Yeah, oh! Speaking of apocalypse nectar; I need to get me some snacks.

[Enters diner]

Marik: I don't know about you guys, but everytime I listen to an old toothless guy go on a crazy rant, I like to go eat at Diner: The generic restaurant! For all your generic the generic beltline.

[Enters a diner with an old lady working behind the counter, which the avatar approaches.]

Marik: Ah, I think I gained a few pounds just by walking through the door.

Old lady: What'll be?

Marik: Must. Resist. Urge. To. Say. "Kiss. My. Gritz."

[Chooses: The cream's curdled. I can smell it. And I think those are rat droppings there.]

Old Lady: You the Health Inspector?

Marik: No, I am television's Gordon Ramsay. I am here to cuss at you and say British things.

Chooses: Let me just get my badge and I'll show you.]

Old Lady: You know, at least the last health inspector had the decency to make it clear when he was asking for a bribe. Here's fifty bucks. I get to live the dream for another exciting month...Yay.

[Is given $50 and Chooses: If you'll excuse me, I have other establishments to inspect.]

Marik: Yay! Huh, say what you will about the food, but the customer service is top-notch. Man, I should pretend to be a health inspector more often.

[Walks over to tough-looking man in the corner of the diner.]

Marik: Hey, you! Freeze! Health inspector! Put your hands where I can see them!

Man: Something I can help you with?

Marik: Well, now that you come to mention it, you know, you look really good in that tank top.

[Chooses: Umm... Do you like Santa Monica?]

Man: I guess...

Marik: Uh, I'm just wondering, uh- and feel free to shut me down- but where do you get one of those?

[Chooses: Are you waiting for someone? You're not eating.]

Man: I don't see how that's any business of yours.

Marik: Well, look, I'm an anime villain; fashion is really important to me!

[Chooses: Sorry, didn't mean to intrude.]

Man: Goodbye, then.

Marik: Oh! Oh! The nerve of that guy!

[Approaches gum ball machine situated near the front doors.]

Marik: I can't believe he said that to me! I shall take out my frustrations on you, gumball machines!

[Swings fists at gumball machines]

Marik: Ah! Argh! Ow!

[Stops attacking gumball machines and turn around to face the counter again.]

Marik: Okay...that hurt.

[Suddenly moves to the counter lady.]

Marik: Hey! Lady!

Old Lady: What'll it be?

Marik: Your gumball machines are a severe health hazard! I demand that you fix it!

[Chooses: My guess, you don't serve my kind here. Goodbye.]

Marik: And with that, I am gone!

[Exits front door.]

[Loading screen]

Marik: Ha, almost made myself look like an idiot! (Starts making Do-Do-Do sound to the tune of Suzanne Vega's 'Tom's Diner.')

[Back in the street, looking up at the Asylum.]

Marik: Oh, you know what? I have a distinct urge to shake my vampiric money-maker!

[Approaches the Asylum.]

Marik: The Asylum, hey? I wonder if that's where they imprisoned all of Batman's villains. Oh-ho, I've always wanted to meet the joker! After all, he's the only human being on this planet who makes my character look subdued.

[Loading screen.]

Marik: Plus, we both like to wear purple. What I'm saying is, I'm basically just a very sexy version of the joker.

Yami Bakura: You're not the joker!

Marik: Shut up!

[In the club, music starts playing.]

Marik: Oh, hey! Dimly lit building, dilapidated walls and the smell of alcohol: I feel better already!

[Jeanette appears.]

Jeanette: Ooh, what do we have here? Another scrumptious young fateling straight out of life and into my club? Mmm, you smell new, little boy, like fabric softener do on freshly mowed astro-turf. Oh; I'm not frightening you, am I, duckling?

Marik: Why is everybody in this freaking game coming onto me?! Is it something I'm putting out there? What?

[Chooses: What the hell's your problem?]

Jeanette: Oh, I was thinking about this delicious little pancake who came into my club and wasn't so sweet because he was soaked in vinegar.

Marik: Well, I guess I couldn't find the joker, but I seemed to have found Harley Quinn.

[Chooses: "Okay...Who are you?"]

Jeanette: I'm the finger down your spine when all the lights are out, and the name on all the men's room walls. When I pout, the whole world tries to make me smile, and everyone always wants to know: "Who is that girl?"

Marik(Singing to the tune of "That Girl"): Diamonds, Daisies, Vampires, that girl! Hehe, you know what? Forget garlic; I think the real thing that vampires are afraid of is buttoning their shirts!

[Chooses: "Aren't you the teaser? Got a name I can remember you by?"]

Jeanette: I am Jeanette.

Marik: That's French for Giant Bosoms.

Jeanette: And this pit of chaos crammed in a certifiable giggle is my club!

Marik: Though, I do like her eyeliner...

Jeanette: I'd just love to get these funny feelings all night, sweetheart, but I really must trouble with some business. We'll reunite sweet and soon...I promise.

[She struts over to an elevator and leaves.]

Marik: Yeah, don't worry, I'm sure if I need any whoring doing, you'll be the first person I'll call. I'll pick up the phone and dial 1900 W-H-O-R-E, because that's the whore hotline. They'll patch me right through to you. And you'll be like; "Oh, hey! Need some whoring-doing?" And I'll be like; "Yeah, I'm in desperate need of a whore right now."

[Walks over to the dancefloor.]

Marik: And you'll be like: "Oh, I'll be right over! I'll put on my whore things and...and we'll get right down to it! That will never happen because I don't actually need a whore.

[Walks around dancefloor.]

Marik: I'm perfectly capable of whoring myself out, thank you very much.

[Watches a man dancing...uniquely.]

Marik(Singing in time to the man's movements): Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!

[Moves onto the stage and positions self in front of the microphone.]

Marik: OMG, look, it's just like the Midnight Rider stage from Left 4 Dead 2! (Starts singing) Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around! Nanananananananana! Gotta reach for the top! Stand on a mountain! Nanananananananana!

[Moves off of stage and walks over to yet another 'interesting' dancer. The screen then zooms out to show the avatar adopting the strange dance and busting his moves on the floor.]

Marik: Ooh, ooh, I know. (Starts to sing) You! I want to make you be a vampire! I wanna make you be a vampire! A vampire! Vampire! Vampire! (Stops singing) Man, say what you will about my dance moves, but at least I'm better than Shepard.

[Shows the other wonderful dancers.]

Marik: Yeah, that's right; everybody do the Mo-Cap! It's the easiest dance in the world! You just get a professional motion-capture artist to do it for you!

[Zooms back to normal.]

Marik: Yeah! Get down with your funky mo-cap self!

[Looks at man.]

Marik: What are you looking at?

[Walks towards the bar, where a woman stands.]

Marik: Hey, isn't that Julianne Moore?

[Engages in conversation with her.]

Woman: Um...

Marik: Ha-Hey! I loved you in Boogie Nights! You know, that movie where you played the pornstar and sex with Mark Wahlberg?

[Chooses: "How about that weather, huh? Nice weather it is, right?"]

Woman: Even if my pants were on fire, I would not take them off in front of you.

Marik: Why would your pants be on fire?! Man, Julianne Moore has some sick fetishes! And that's coming from me! And I'm not even talking about the whole 'pants-being-on-fire' thing. I'm just talking about having sex with Mark Wahlberg! Talk about gross!

[Wanders around the club before talking to the barman.]

Barman: Get something for ya, chief?

Marik: Yeah, I'd like some ice cubes for my nipples, please?

[Chooses: "I don't drink...alcohol."]

Barman: There's a juice bar down the street. They serve the fruit, so go over there.

Marik: Look, I know another guy who's bald and has facial tattoos! Do you want me to call him here to kick your butt?!

[Chooses: "You're a funny guy. You'll be the first stand-up comedian I've knocked down."]

Barman: Hey, hey, I get your meaning. I don't want any trouble. Tell me what you need.

Marik: Uh, look, you know what? I'm just going to end this conversation before you start hitting on me, too.

[Chooses: "Show me more respect next time, that's what I need."]

Marik: Seriously! I'm starting to think that there's no vampire word for restraint!

[Walks around club again.]

Marik: Hey, Julianne. Freeeaak!

[Walks up stairs.]

Marik: Hahahaha...Foxy Boxes.

[Speaks to woman.]

Woman: Sheesh! Is this place always so dead?

Marik: Hey, I was being very entertaining on the stage a second ago!

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