Cast(in order of appearance:Marik Ishtar, Yami Bakura, characters from Troika's Vampire: The Masquerade.
Special Title: Marik Plays Bloodlines #1
[Menu Screen for Vampire: The Masquerade]
Marik: Greetings, and welcome to my first ever let's play of Troika's Vampire: The Masquerade! (Clicks New Game) The only game that lets you feel like you're actually living inside a failed Joss Whedon project!
Marik: You know, the good thing about playing a vampire game is that, even if you suck, you're doing a good job and it gives you experience for it. Ha, get it? Vampires...suck...I am entertaining!
[Screen for selection of avatars: Marik goes through each one as he speaks]
Marik: Okay, so here we have all of the different vampire clans you can choose from: You got the gangsta-rap vampire, he'll bust a cap in your neck, uh...we've got Disney's vampire Tarzan- comes with his own soundtrack composed by Phil Collins, hehe. And these guys; they're just crazy! But I like that he's showing his midriff; that's very nice- not sure about the goggles, though.
[Switches avatar to female Malkavian vampire before switching back to male and continuing to flash through each selection]
Marik: Oh yeah, you can also be a smelly girl vampire, which is just ridiculous! Like I need to be a girl to look gorgeous in make-up- no, thank you!
[Switches to Toreador vampire]
Marik: Oh, these guys, the-they like to manipulate people with their powers of sexy-talking!
[Switches to Tremere vampire]
Marik: Oh, and then we've got the hater's gonna hate vampire; he specializes in magic. Only nerds choose that guy.
[Switches to Ventrue vampire]
Marik: I like to call him the Bakura clan. Look at him! All: "I don't care if you choose me or not!" That's my Bakura impression.
[Decides on Toreador and continues to the Attributes, Abilities and Disciplines screen. He changes various things on the screen as he speaks.]
Marik: Na, I think we should go with the sexy vampire; that way I won't have to do much actual role-playing. So the reason I decided to play this game is because I was talking to Bakura the other day, and we got to talking about fanfiction and how silly it all is. Uh, basically he said that nearly every other Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic had the main characters becoming vampires for no good reason! And this was all years before Stephenie Meyer showed up and ruined vampires for everybody. So I said:"I wouldn't mind being a vampire. Then I could live forever, just like you!" And he said: "Living forever is over-rated." And I said: "Ya face is over-rated!" And then he pinched me on the nipple and said: "Shut your buggering face, you buggering bastard."
[Loading screen and then the opening scene plays]
Marik: Er, so that's why I decided to play this game: Because Bakura is a bitch.
Yami Bakura: I told you to shut your buggering face!
Marik: Gah, shut your own buggering face; I think something's about to happen!
Vampire: I want to show you something...
Marik: My pokemons; let me show them to you.
[Man screams in terror]
Marik: OMG, a shiny Mudkip!
[Heart beats throb as the screen is black]
Marik: You know, heartbeat, why do you miss when my baby kisses me? I mean it's kind of awkward.
[Various screen shots of the room]
Marik: Well, apparently, the first signs of being a vampire is you become extremely untidy!
[Screen shot of the ticking clock]
Marik: Oh man, its already quarter to blurred pixels!
[Avatar wakes up on bed and looks around before sitting up]
Marik: Well, you know, it's your own fault for being bitten by a vampire because your shirt in such a douchy manner! Come on, unbuttoning the top buttons like that, that's ridiculous! You're asking for trouble!
[On the opposite side of the room is the vampire, sitting in a chair.]
Marik (Imitating avatar):Hmm, so wadda I owe ya?
[Door bursts open]
[Intruders stake woman and then do the same to the avatar]
Marik: Oh! Geez!
[Screen goes black]
Marik: Well, talk about getting morning wood. Ha, did that one for Rex and Weevil.
Prince LaCroix: Good evening.
Prince LaCroix: My fellow Kindred, my apologies for disrupting your business, or interfering with prior engagements you may have had this evening.
Marik(Talking over the scene playing): Please enjoy a random shot of the floor! I am Vlad, from accounting. Er, don't mind me, I'm just finding my mark. There we go.
Prince LaCroix: It's unfortunate that the affair that gathers us together tonight is a troubling one.
Marik: Well, at least the audience is bigger than the one they had for Spiderman: The Musical!
LaCroix: You are here because the laws that bind our society, the laws that are the fabric of our existence...have been broken.
[Man in crowd leans over to talk to neighbour as Prince Talks.]
Marik(Imitating man): This is the least accurate production of Hamlet I've ever seen!
LaCroix: As Prince, I am within my rights to grant or deny the Kindred of this city the privilege of siring.
[Shot of woman in crowd blowing a kiss to another vampire]
Marik: Whoa, she makes Mai Valentine look subtle! Dr Manhattan is not taken in by your flooziness!
[Man looks at his forearm]
Marik: Hmm, I wonder what time it is. Oh, that's right, my character model doesn't have a watch.
LaCroix: Many of you have come to me seeking permission and I have endorsed some of these requests. [Woman looks over]
Marik: Oh, you think you've got it bad; my character model doesn't have panties!
LaCroix: However, the accused that sits before you tonight was not refused permission.
Marik: I'm getting Merovingian vibes from this guy.
LaCroix: Indeed; my permission was never sought at all.
Marik: I blame the audience!
LaCroix: They were caught shortly after the Embrace of this child. Its pains me to announce this sentence, as, up until tonight, I considered the accused to be a loyal and upstanding member of our organisation.
Marik: Papa, don't preach! I'm in trouble deep! Papa, don't preach! I've been losing sleep! But I've made up my mind, I'm keeping my vampire!
[LaCroix walks towards 'accused']
LaCroix: But, as some of you may know, the penalty for this transgression...
Marik: Is a wedgie!
Marik: Whoa, that's way worse; that's like, five wedgies! (Flashes to a shot of zombie-like woman) Brains...Er, line?
LaCroix: Know that I am no more adjudicator than I am a servant to the law that governs us all. Let tonight's proceedings serve as a reminder to our community that we must adhere to the code that binds our society...
[Flash to blue-skinned man in corner of room.]
Marik: No showing your blue wang in public- I'm looking at you, Manhattan!
LaCroix: ...Lest we endanger all of our blood. [Leans down to the accused vampire sincerely] Forgive me...
Marik: For this really weird pose I'm doing...
[LaCroix stands and the executor readies his large sword]
LaCroix: Let the penalty commence.
Marik: Hey, big guy, Zack Fair called; he wants his Buster Sword back.
[Executor beheads the accused with a single swipe, and various flashes of the crowd members are shown]
Marik: Uh, on second thought, maybe you should keep it.
[The corpse burst into flames, and LaCroix addresses the crowd once more.]
LaCroix: Which leads to the fate of the ill-begotten protegee.
Marik: Evaporating vampires; leaves behind only the fresh scent of death.
LaCroix: Without a sire, most Child are doomed to walk the Earth never knowing their place, their responsibility and, most importantly...
LaCroix:...the laws they must obey.
Marik: You mean like, four legs good, two legs bad?
LaCroix: Therefore, I have decided that-
Mr Rodriguez : This is bullshit!
[Rodriguez in crowd gets to his feet]
Marik: Vampires are supposed to sparkle!
[LaCroix looks pensively around as the crowd starts to murmur in unrest. There is yet another shot of 'Zombie vampire girl.']
Marik(Imitating her): Brains? [Screen shows LaCroix looking in surprise at the reaction from the crowd.] Maybe he's right...maybe this is bullshit.
[There are multiple shots of various people in the crowd]
Marik (Singing): I don't know how to love him...
LaCroix: If Mr Rodriguez would let me finish...I have decided to let this Kindred live.
Marik: Well, imma let you finish, but Dracula was the greatest vampire of all time! Of all time!
LaCroix:They shall be instructed in the ways of our kind, and be granted the same rights.
Marik: That's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me!
LaCroix: Let no-one say that I am unsympathetic to the plights and causes of this community. I thank you all for attending these proceedings.
[Screen fades to black]
Marik: Yes, thanks go to all five of you who bothered to show up!
LaCroix: And I hope their significance if not lost. Good evening.
[People walk out of the theater doors and screen fades to black again.]
Marik: Hi. Oh my god, Carl, did you see the redhead in the front row? She was totally checking me out the whole time! Hmm, I don't know, Steve, I'm pretty sure she's only interested in Dr Manhattan's giant blue wang.
[Screen remains black]
Marik: Um...hello? Is that the end?
LaCroix: You're sired.
Marik: Ah! Don't do that!
LaCroix: Tragic. My apologies. But, you see, there is a strict code of conduct that all of us must...must adhere to, if we wish to survive.
[Screen fades to black again]
Marik: What, did the vampires not pay their electricity bill: Why do the lights keep going out?! Geez!
LaCroix: When someone, anyone, breaks these laws...
Marik: We turn out the lights.
[LaCroix is walking with avatar down a corridor]
LaCroix:...They undermine the well-worn fabric of our centuries old society. Understand my... predicament.
Marik: What he's trying to say is: Do up the top two buttons on your shirt, for god's sake! You look like a douche!
LaCroix: Allowing you to live makes me directly responsible for your subsequent behavior. So, what I'm offering is not generosity but the opportunity to transcend the fate woven by your sire.
Marik (Singing): And I can tell by the way I swing my cape, I'm a vampire, I suck people's necks. Ha ha ha ha, staying undead, staying undead.
[They stop at a door and LaCroix turns to face the avatar]
LaCroix: This...is your trial. You will be brought to Santa Monica. There you will meet an agent by the name of Mercurio. He will provide the details of your labour.
Marik: Yes, because when you think of vampires, you think California! Well, to be fair, the place will suck you dry.
LaCroix: I've shown you great clemency.
LaCroix: Prove that it was more than a wasted gesture, fledgling. Don't come back until you do.
Marik: Wait, what am I supposed to be doing?
LaCroix: Good evening.
Marik: So, to summarise, vampires exist and they like to hold really ineffectual club meetings in abandoned theaters under the cover of darkness. And most of them live in California.
[Screen opens to a seedy street, and Marik controls the avatar to walk around swinging his fists in a punching motion.]
Marik: Oh man, these aren't vampires, they're just actors who can't get work!
[Avatar walks up to man leaning on the wall. He had been inside the theater.]
Man(cackling): What a scene, man! Whoee!
Marik: Oh, hi, Rob Zombie.
Man: And then they just plop you out here like a naked baby in the wood.
Marik: Well, a naked baby with giant fangs, yeah.
Man: Look, kiddo, probably a lot for you to take in so, uh, why don't you let me show you the ropes? Whaddya say?
Marik: I say: "Get away from me, man-who-smells-like-feet!"
[Chooses: "Who are you?"]
Man: I'm Jack.
Marik: The surname's Off.
Jack: What's important is, I'm offering help.
Marik: And drugs: cheap, affordable drugs.
Jack: You make it back from Santa Monica with your hide, and we'll trade life stories, okay? You in or out?
Marik: Well, I imagine every chapter of your life story ends with the words: "And then I threw up." In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the title: "And then I threw up." A book by Pukey McPukerson.
[Chooses: "I don't have much time...Give me the basics."]
Jack: Tut, tut, the basics. Well, your funeral, kiddo. I'll give you a few thing to keep a few things in mind before you go. Now these lessons aren't just for your benefit, so listen up.
Marik: What are you?! My frigging vampire guidance counselor?
Jack: First: The Masquerade. You're gonna be hearing a lot about this, so let me sum it up real quick.
Marik (singing): Masquerade! Vampire faces on parade! Masquerade! RaDadadada, bite your freaking neck off.
Jack: Sure; you're a vampire; great. Keep it to yourself, okay?
Marik: So what your saying is: The first rule of bite club is you don't talk about bite club. Get it? Cause...bite? Hehehe.
Jack:It's easier that way, trust me. That's the Masquerade: Keeping vampire's secret secret. Easy, right? Easy peasy. Now, if you violate the Masquerade, you weren't sneaky enough, or whatever, you make things harder on all of us, and then all of us get pissed off and come after you and you end up like your sire there; staked and baked. Comprender, kiddo?
Marik: Yeah, I comprender. You said: [Makes many gibberish noises in the same, deep tone that the voice actor has]
Jack: Right on. Next: Humanity. Being a vampire isn't the end of the road. You think life was hard? Just wait. Now you're half beast, half man and in a bloody fight.
Marik: Wait, I'm a furry too? Oh this day just get's worse and worse!
Jack: You're gonna be fighting people for the rest of your days every time you give into it. Whenever you kill an innocent, you feed the beast a little more.
Marik: Well, I'm not feeding the beast in front of you pal, if that's what you're suggesting!
Jack: And it grows stronger and stronger. After a while, the beast can take over and you'll go wild and have to be put down like a rabid dog.
Marik: It'll be like the vampiric version of Old Yeller!
Jack: So...you know, don't be a homicidal maniac...
Marik: Yeah, try telling that to Johnny.
Jack:...And hold up the Masquerade, too. See how it all comes together? Now ain't that nice?
Marik: I love it when a clan comes together!
Jack: Now, with all that said, you still have to keep your ass alive. For that, you're gonna have to feed.
Marik: Man, this guy has the best advice ever: Don't be a homicidal maniac and remember to eat.
Jack: Have a little blood cell in people, and I bet you're feeling that thirst right now, huh? Get it when you can; wherever you can, if you just remember the first two lessons.
Marik: Kids! There's nothing more cool than being bitten by someone you like, but if someone bites you in a place or way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's no good! It's your neck! No-one has the right to bite you if you don't want them to, so what do you do? First you say: "Die, evil monster! You don't belong in this world!" Then, you get your stake and then you drive it through their heart!
Jack: Ya get it?
[Chooses: "I think so..."]
Jack: Now, ship off, like a good little soldier, and if you pull this off, come downtown on the last round and I'll tell you how to Jack this whole situation.
Marik: Is he asking me out?
Jack: Until then, hehe, good luck. Or maybe I should just say...
Marik: I farted.
Jack: Nice knowing ya, kiddo! (Cackles to himself.)
[Chooses: "See ya."]
Marik: Staring: John Dimaggio as every single voice in every single video game ever these days!
Marik: Ah, so this game is basically like the Underworld trilogy, except it isn't a mediocre music video masquerading as a movie.
[Screen shows dirty apartment. Avatar walks around and explores.]
Radio Announcer: Hello, L.A, you're up way past you're bedtime...[Continues talking]
Marik: Ah! Who's talking?! Who's there?! Oh...I-It's the radio...oh, thank god; I was worried there for a- wait a minute, I'm a frigging vampire! What am I worried about? Radios cannot harm me, for I am immortal!
[Opens fridge to reveal blood-bag.]
Marik: Nya, let's see; we got some soda, got some purple stuff- oh! SunnyD; alright!
[Closes fridge and looks around apartment.]
Marik: Oh, it's nice to see that the vampire society didn't spare any expenses on my accommodations and- oh! Hey! My bedclothes are covered in urine! They shouldn't have!
[A man is now speaking on the radio. Avatar walks to desk and picks up letter that holds a mysterious riddle.]
Marik: Something tells me that Jack guy has something to do with this. (Speaks in deep, Jack-like voice). "Well (gibberish sounds), I'd thought I'd come here and piss on your bed (More gibberish sounds.)." And what's with all these frigging notes: I have a computer!It's right there!
[Picks up note-pad with a message from Mercurio that spoke of the password to the computer and cash in a drawer.]
Marik: Just Email me! What is this; the dark ages? I mean, I know you're vampires, but, come on!
[Clicks on computer and types in password and the messages are revealed.]
Marik: And- Oh, good. My laptop is apparently on loan from the 1980s. (Imitates Saw voice.) "Hello, Mr Ishtar. Would you like to play a game?" I feel like frigging Strong Bad here!
[Opens a message and reads aloud.]
Marik: Ah! Mercurio will contact you when you arrive in Santa- Yeah maybe Mercurio can run over here and de-urinate my frigging bed, huh? How about that?
[Spam message for a certain-part-of-the-male-anatomy enlargement is opened.]
Marik: Hey, Bakura, I think I got some of your email by mistake!
Yami Bakura: Piss off, Marik.
[Opens another spam message.]
Marik: Man, I think this laptop has over 8 Megabites of RAM.
[Opens message from Mercurio.]
Marik: "Hey, welcome to town. Come over to my place once you get situated and we'll talk about what you need to get the job done. I'm gonna pick up the explo-Explosives?! What the frig do vampires need with explosives?! What am I; part of a frigging vampire\terrorist cell?
[Opens message that says: The game begins. A pawn is moving.]
Marik:...Oh my god, I hope I'm part of a frigging vampire\terrorist cell. That would be so cool.
Marik: Anyway, that was a waste of time.
[Returns to apartment, where the radio man is talking.]
Radioman: ...American's established a moon-base back in the late seventies...
Marik: Wait, moon-base?
[Walks towards radio]
Radioman: What most people don't know is that they've been conducting a dig...
[Avatar is at radio now]
Radioman: ... not for resources, but for artifacts.
Radio Announcer: I see...
Radioman: Well, it's no coincidence that the Chinese have started conducting space missions. You know...
Marik: Oh, my god, this guy's blowing the roof off of things!
Radioman: ...That the Chinese are trying to stop the Americans from finding an ancient space probe made by the Beta Centaurians...
Marik: Space Probe? Beta Centaurians? IT'S ALL TRUE! Uh, this in- this information is just too much for me to handle. (Pants) Ha, okay; it's okay. Just calm down; just relax, watch the T.V, relax. Relax...ha...Beta Centaurians- NO! No-n...Space Probe- NO! No...frigging, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay...It's okay...it's okay.
[T.V has been turned on and is showing a news presenter]
Marik: In other news, FRIGGING ALIENS EXIST, APPARENTLY! Nnn, I'd better go and prepare for the imminent invasion force!
[Explores bathroom and discovers pills before heading over to the toilet]
Marik: Pills, over here! Let's see, what else could I use as a weapon? And-Oh...a watch. Yeah, that'll help. Nnn, maybe I can use it to distract them somehow.
[Returns to the living area]
Marik: I mean, if Doctor Who can use a jammy dodger to distract the Daleks, I can use a freaking watch to... Wait, what's this guy talking about, now?
News Presenter: They speculate that it could be from a yet undiscovered family of sea creatures.
Marik: Sea creatures?! Freaking aliens?!
[Opens desk drawer and takes $100 from an envelope.]
Marik: It's Cthulhu! Cthulhu is going to rise! I'd better take this money and run! Run away far away. Run away from the vampires and the aliens and the...unicorns and the zombies and whatever else lives in this frigging state! Man, and to think, when I woke up, the the worst of my problems was that my bedsheets were going to smell of vampire urine for the rest of the week!
[Walks to door and exits apartment]
Marik: Come on, you stupid, frigging door! Close!
[Door slams shut twice.]
Marik: Okay, now- Why did my door slam twice? Never mind that, we have more important things to worry about! I've got to warn the general public that the aliens are about to-
[Notices newspaper on neighbor's doorstep as avatar walks down stairs]
Marik: Oh, hey! Free newspaper! Huh, let's see: "Carnival of Death"-oh, my god, there's gonna be frigging clown zombies, too!
[Continues down stairs]
Marik: This game is just relentless! You know what? It's fine, it's fine; I'll just take some of these pills and I'll relax- I'll be fine.
[Reaches lockers. Opens avatar's locker.]
Marik: Okay, let's see, where are the pills, where are the-
[Notices cheesy joke about being so broke you can't pay attention]
Marik: Oh, I get it: "You can't even afford to-" Oh, that's hilarious! You should be writing for Naruto Abridged!
[Goes through items in the avatar's possession] Marik: Don't want the key- There we are! Pills-E-Estrogen? "Caution: DO NOT TAKE IF MALE." Well, it doesn't say anything about taking them if you're an extremely girly villain.
[Exits locker and proceeds to walk out the door.]
Marik: What do you think, Bakura? Should I take the pills?
Yami Bakura: Well, to be fair, I doubt they'd have any noticeable effects.
Marik: That's a good point-Hey!