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Cast (In order of appearance): Yami, Yugi, Tristan, Jean-Claude Magnum, Joey, Mai, Duke, Téa, Serenity Wheeler, Ninja, Howl, Naruto

Date: April 10, 2009

Running Time: 6:24

Transcript Edit


YAMI: I just realized what the "D" stands for in "Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's"! Don't watch it!

(Somewhere in Battle City, not far from KaibaCorp Stadium. Yugi and the others walk through the many buildings in town.)

YUGI: Man, this tournament feels longer than any given Metal Gear Solid cutscene, and only slightly less interactive. But at least we're on our way to the Battle City finals.

TRISTAN: I sure hope we don't encounter any more intrusive subplots.

MAGNUM: Did somebody say, "intrusive subplot"?

TRISTAN: (offscreen) Oh, son of a bitch!

Title sequence

MAGNUM: (a la Troy McClure) Hello, I'm Jean-Claude Magnum. You may remember me from such films as "Teenage Space Ninjas from Outer Space", "Devil Ninja vs. Santa Claus", and "Devil Ninja 2: Electric Boogaloo". (Posters of said movies appear onscreen, one at a time, as Magnum describes them.)

JOEY: OMG! Jean-Claude Magnum? I'm your number one drooling idiot fanboy! Hey, do you mind if I start incessantly quoting all your movies? Cause I really, really, really like doing that!

MAGNUM: Mai Valentine! I'd recognize that cleavage anywhere.

JOEY: Wow Mai, I can't believe you're being seduced by my favorite thinly-veiled parody of a Belgian kickboxer! You should ask him to autograph your boobs! Ooh, better idea, ask him to autograph my boobs!

MAGNUM: I've been stalking you for the past year, Mai. Ever since you beat me in a children's card game, I haven't been able to get you out of my head.

MAI: Sorry pal, but I already have a love interest.

JOEY: Who's that, Mai? Is it Tristan? It's Tristan isn't it? For the love of God, tell me it ain't Tristan!

MAI: It's you, Joey!

JOEY: But you're ten years older than me!

MAI: I know; creepy, isn't it?

JOEY: Actually, this is the closest thing this show has to a normal relationship.

MAGNUM: You may be a cradle-robber, Mai, but I still want you to be my wife. Whatd'ya say, sugartits?

(SexyBack plays in the background as Duke speaks)

DUKE: I know how she feels. Guys are proposing to me all the time.

TRISTAN: Duke, I already told you I was joking!

MAI: Sorry, Jean-Claude, but I would never marry someone so selfish and superficial.

JOEY: But Mai, isn't that exactly what you were like in season 1? Face it, the only difference between the two of you is about twenty pounds of silicone!

MAI: My breasts are not fake!

EVERYONE: Riiight.

TRISTAN: (chimes in) I don't believe you!

MAGNUM: If you won't marry me, Mai, then I'm gonna challenge you to a duel. And if you lose, you have to become my wife!

MAI: I accept for no adequately-explored reason.

YUGI: Hey, I have a rather pertinent question. What does any of this have to do with anything? Seriously, aren't we trying to save the world from imminent destruction by vaguely evil forces? When did the love life of Mai Valentine become so freaking important? Is the next plot point going to revolve around Bakura's stamp collection?

MAI: I summon my--

YUGI: (interrupts) It just pisses me off, is all.

MAI: I summon my Amazon Warrior, in Attack mode.

(summons Xena)

MAGNUM: Your Amazon Warrior is no match for my army of celebrity ninjas!

(summons Gray Fox, Sub Zero, Naruto, and Michelangelo)

YAMI: (from the bottom right corner of the screen) Why is everybody in this guy's Deck a f**king ninja?

JOEY: C'mon Mai! I know you can beat this assclown!

YUGI: But Joey, I thought you were Jean-Claude Magnum's biggest fan; why the sudden change of heart?

JOEY: I've tried to deny it, Yug, but I can't hold it back anymore. I think I've felt this way from the moment I first laid eyes on her.

YUGI: You mean--

JOEY: Yes. I am in love with Mai Valentine...'s breasts. Even if they are as real as a three-dollar bill.

MAI: My breasts are not fake!

EVERYONE: Riiight.

TRISTAN: (chimes in) I don't believe you!

MAGNUM: When I win this card game we'll be married, Mai. But you won't just be marrying me; you'll be marrying the Church of Scientology. That's right, babycakes; I'm a member of the Hollywood cult, just like every other deluded celebrity you used to like, such as Isaac Hayes, Jason Lee, and Rufus the Naked Mole-rat.

YUGI: Oh, that's just what this franchise needed. Another brainwashing evil cult! Seriously, that's what, five now?

SERENITY: When I grow up, I wanna be just like Mai.

JOEY: Serenity, if I didn't pay for your eye surgery, what the hell makes you think I'm gonna pay for breast implants?

MAI: My breasts are not--

EVERYBODY: (Interrupts) Riiight.

TRISTAN: (chimes in) I don't believe you!

MAGNUM: I don't care if your breasts are fake, Mai. I just want you to be my wife. And also for you to pledge millions of dollars to the Church of Scientology so that we can finally defeat the Evil Galactic Overlord Xenu and protect the hapless thetans all over the world from being thrown into volcanoes!

CAPTION: (appears on the bottom of the screen as Magnum speaks)

YUGI: So let me get this straight. The only characters on this show who represent America are Jean-Claude Magnum, Rebecca Hawkins, Maximillion Pegasus, and Bandit Keith. Is it just me, or is Yu-Gi-Oh the most xenophobic show ever?

MAI: I play Cyber Harpies! Destroy his remaining life points!

MAGNUM: I can't believe you beat me for a second time!

TÉA: I can't believe we found a duelist even worse than Mai!

YUGI: I can't believe we actually acknowledged this worthless episode!

TRISTAN: I can't believe it's not butter!

MAGNUM: If you won't marry me, then I'm going to kidnap you instead, since that appears to be the default response to anything on this show!

YUGI: A deceitful Scientologist! Who would have thought?

MAGNUM: Come to me, Mai! We have to appear on Oprah so I can proclaim my love to you while jumping on her couch like a giant infant!

NINJA: Geez, lady. Those fake boobs are heavy!

MAI: My breasts are not (falls) faaaaake!!

MAGNUM: She's going to fall to her untimely death! What would L. Ron Hubbard do?

JOEY: I see London, I see France, I see Mai Valentine's underpants!

MAI: Joey, stop gawking at my nethers and save my butt!

JOEY: Aww, can't I do both?

MAI: Just shut up and catch me!

JOEY: Okay, but whatever you do, don't let go until I say--

(Joey gets crushed by Mai's Breasts with a squeaky toy like noise)

MAI: It finally happened! I killed a man with my breasts!

MAGNUM: So Maaai, I don't suppose you're not still sore about the whole 'attempted kidnapping' thing, are ya?

MAI: Sorry, Jean-Claude asshole, but I'd rather have fake breasts than a fake religion.

MAGNUM: Looks like you win this round, Xenu.

MAI: Thanks for saving my life, Joey.

JOEY: Think I um be having da concussions now, anyanye.

YUGI: Now we can finally walk down this road and go to the Battle City finals which is exactly what we were doing before we were sidetracked by this redundant sh*tfest of an episode.

NARUTO: (from the bottom right corner of the screen) Why is everyone in this show a f**king duelist?

Ending, "Naked Mole-Rap" plays in background

[jean-claude magnum
will be back in
"ninjapocalypse now"]

Stinger, from Samurai Deeper Kyo

YUGI: (as Yukimura) So what do you plan to do once you reclaim your body?

YAMI: (as Kyo) Well that should be obvious. The first thing I'm gonna do is get laid, and then I'mma get laid again, then do some crack and get laid some more. That's what I'm all about, getting f*cked.

JOEY:That Jean-Claude Magnum, what a douchebag! I haven't been this disappointed by a talented actor since Christian Bale in Howl's Moving Castle.

HOWL: (with the audio of Christian Bale's on set rant) I want you off the f*cking set, you prick! Are you professional or not? Do I f*cking walk around, am I gonna walk around and rip your f*cking lights down, in the middle of a scene?!? Then why the f*ck are you walking right through, 'ah da dah da dah da daah' like this in the background? What the f*ck is it with you?!?

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