← "Toon Pangs" #68: "Mad Mai" "Age/Sex/Life Points" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, Yugi Muto, Téa Gardner, Solomon Muto, motorcycle gang, Valon, Rafael, Mai Valentine, truck driver, Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood, Duke Devlin

Running time: 8:04


YAMI: This studio audience is filmed before a live episode of Yu-Gi-Oh!

(cut to limousine driving through a desert)

JOEY and TRISTAN: (singing)
♪ 98 Duel Monsters cards on the wall,
98 Duel Monsters cards!
Take one down, trade it around,
97 Duel Monsters— ♪

(limo stops and driver leaves)

YUGI: Hey, hold on; where's the driver going?

TRISTAN: Doesn't he know it's rude to drive a bunch of teenagers into the middle of the desert and leave them there to die?

JOEY: Maybe he went to get us some booze from that gas station.

(group exits the limo)

YUGI: Joey, don't be ridiculous. This is California. He's probably just buying us some weed.

TÉA: It's a good thing we left all our travel information with Yugi's grandpa. If anything happens to us, we can rely on him to bail us out.

(cut to Kame Game)

SOLOMON: With Yugi gone, I can do whatever I want! I know! I'll close the game shop early and go cruise for chicks!

CAPTION: Later...

(cut to Solomon on a stretcher)

SOLOMON: For some reason, cruising for chicks has caused me to become severely injured.

(title sequence)

(cut back to the gas station)

TÉA: There's no sign of the driver anywhere.

JOEY: It's like he vanished due to plot convenience or somethin'.

TRISTAN: Guys, am I supposed to poop in all the restroom stalls?

JOEY: How many times do we gotta tell you, Tristan? You only use one.

TRISTAN: Too late.

JOEY: Hold on guys, I hear somethin'.

YUGI: Sounds like a large number of motorcycles driving our way.

(group runs to the middle of the road)

TÉA: Quick! Let's all run into the middle of the road and hope we don't get mowed down in a violent wreck!

TRISTAN: I see nothing wrong with this idea!

BIKERS: We're bikers. We're bikers. We're bikers. We're bikers. We're bikers... (repeats into the background) who ride on motorcycles.

TRISTAN: Who are you people?

HEAD BIKER: We... are bikers.

JOEY: You guys just travel around just announcing that you're bikers?

BIKER: Yeah, usually we like to drive around the city polluting the place with our noise. But since this is the desert, we have to be extra loud and obnoxious to have the same effect.

JOEY: Why do all your voices sound the same?

BIKER: I don't know what you're talking about.

JOEY: Yeah, you've all got like the same quiet, gruff kind of voice deal going on.

BILL (BIKER): Sounds like you might have a hearing problem.

BIKER: You tell 'em Bill.

BIKER: Nice one.

BIKER: Yeah, don't let 'em talk to us bikers that way.

JOEY: Did more than one of you just talk? 'Cause I can't tell.

HEAD BIKER: That was, like, four different guys.

JOEY: That must get confusing, especially with you all dressed the same like you are.

HEAD BIKER: We all have distinct personalities. Wilfred over there likes black motorcycles, whereas Jennifer over there—she likes dark gray motorcycles. She is... out there.

JOEY: Sounds like an interesting dynamic you guys have.

HEAD BIKER: We're bikers.

JOEY: Yeah, I got that impression.

(Yugi's Millennium Puzzle glows)

YAMI: (from the Puzzle) Hey, Yugi, tag out. I've got a great one-liner that will make these guys look like fools.

YUGI: Yu-Gi-Oh! (lets Yami take over his body)

YAMI: Bikers? More like idiots!

YUGI: (from the Puzzle) You said you had a good one-liner, Pharaoh!

YAMI: Yeah, no, I just wanted your body back so I could ride in the limo.

HEAD BIKER: I can't believe he said that about us. Now I feel foolish.

JOEY: You guys should back off! We have trading cards and we're not afraid to use them!

TRISTAN: I don't think they're gonna listen, Joey.

HEAD BIKER: I guess the spiky-haired kid's the smart one.

YAMI, TRISTAN, JOEY: (simultaneously) Thank you.

(cut to cliff)

VALON: It's a good thing we were able to hire that limo driver to betray those kids, and then subsequently hire a bunch of random bikers to kill them for us while we watch from a distance. (cut to Yugi and his friends fleeing from the bikers) Oi, Raf.


VALON: Why does our plan make absolutely no sense?

RAFAEL: Anime.

VALON: Oh, yeah.

BIKER 1: (brandishing a pole) We carry these poles around all the time just in case we need to beat someone to death.

JOEY: Why not just run us over?

BIKER 1: Come on man, we're not gonna get blood on our bikes. We're bikers.

TRISTAN: Is it inappropriate for me to poop myself right now?

TÉA: Very inappropriate.

TRISTAN: Too late.

BIKER 1: Have a faceful of pipe! (is about to attack, but gets knocked out)

JOEY: Nyeh?

BIKER 2: What happened to Jennifer?

BIKER 3: I don't know. Things that aren't motorcycles confuse us.

(a female biker riding a red motorcycle emerges from the rocks)

FEMALE BIKER: Go, my Harpies! Take out these clods! (attacks the bikers by throwing her cards at them)

TRISTAN: While she's giving those guys herpes, we can make our escape!

TÉA: I don't think that's what she said, Tristan!

JOEY: It's Mai! And she's throwing her Duel Monsters around like ninja stars! I'd be so turned on if that wasn't such a huge waste of trading cards.

BIKER: (throws a chain at Mai) I am awaited in Valhalla!

(Mai catches the chain with her Chaos Duel Disk)

MAI: Mediocre, hun. (throws the biker off)

BIKER: Witness me!

TÉA: (at the limo, holding the door open) Quick, Joey! The Mad Max references are reaching critical mass! If we make one more, this whole place might explode!

JOEY: (running for the limo) Get us out of here, Tristan!

TRISTAN: What a lovely day!

(gas station explodes; limo drives away)

TÉA: Dammit, Tristan, what did I just say?!

VALON: I don't know who that sheila was, but she had some crackin' bazoomas! Which is Australian for "boobs"! I'd like to spread some Vegemite on those things!

RAFAEL: ...Why?

(cut to limo with an overheated engine)

JOEY: Good one, Tristan! Now the engine is overheated and we gotta walk the rest of the way!

TRISTAN: Hey, man, that car was weak! I was just doing what nature would have done eventually.

JOEY: That car was our only way out of this!

TRISTAN: That car was working for the enemy and you know it!

YAMI: Come on, guys. If you're going to argue, at least play a card game to determine the winner.

TRISTAN: Look, guys, a truck.

YAMI: You know what we have to do, right?

TÉA: Use my body to seduce the driver into stopping?

YAMI: I was going to say to use my body to seduce the driver into stopping, but sure, your thing.

TRUCK DRIVER: I sure hope the backwards baseball cap never goes out of style. (sees Téa, who gives a thumbs-up and winks)

TÉA: Hi~!

TRUCK DRIVER: I have a comical erection! (stops the truck in front of Téa) Hey! Wait, what?

(Yami, Joey, and Tristan sheepishly emerge from the rock next to Téa)

YAMI: Four seasons in, and finally, Téa is useful!

(truck driver grumbles as he drives Yami and co. on the back of his truck)

TRISTAN: That trucker sure is mad that he couldn't have sex with an underage girl.

TÉA: Hey, Joey. Who was that obviously Mai Valentine person riding the motorcycle?

JOEY: Surprisingly, it was Mai Valentine.

TÉA: I can't hardly believe it!

(cut to somewhere in the city; a thief has stolen from Rex and Weevil)

WEEVIL: Stop, thief!

REX: That racist stereotype stole our money!

(a die is thrown and hits the thief, causing him to drop the wallet and run away)

THIEF: Hell, nah!

DUKE: (SexyBack plays in background as he picks up the wallet)
I brought your money back.
That no-good hoodlum
don't know how to act.

WEEVIL: Heh-heh. Take us to the bridge!

(cut to somewhere in San Francisco; SexyBack plays in background as Duke drives Rex and Weevil in his car)

DUKE: Well, there's the bridge. Hope you guys like my car. I got it from the 1950s. The same place I got my attitude towards women. So, you guys are friends with Yugi, huh?

REX: Uhuhuh. No way! Yugi sucks—

WEEVIL: (pushes Rex aside) ...our dicks! Heh-heh. Yugi sucks our dicks!

DUKE: Whoa, now that I gotta see. Next stop: wherever the hell Yugi is. (makes a right to exit the bridge)

(cut to Industrial Illusions)

YAMI: Wherever the hell are we?

JOEY: Wherever it is, it's very post-modern.

TRISTAN: I like the pretty lights.

TÉA: Guys, this is Industrial Illusions, the company that created Duel Monsters.

YUGI: (appears as a spirit next to Yami, speaking telepathically) While we're here, we should tell them about that new rule we thought of. What did you call it, Pharaoh? Pendulum Summoning?

YAMI: Eh, it'll never catch on.

(gates close)

TRISTAN: Oh, no! The store is closing!

JOEY: We're trapped in here!

(Yami tries to break through the gates)

YAMI: I command you to open! (shakes the gates) Do not disobey the word of the Pharaoh! (tries again) Guys, the bars are disobeying the word of the Pharaoh; what do I do?

(Mai leaps off the upper floor on her motorcycle and lands)

YAMI: Starting to think whoever made this show had a motorcycle fetish.

(Mai removes her helmet)

JOEY: Mai, what are you doing here?

MAI: Sorry, boys. But I'm not the Mai you used to know.

JOEY: You're telling me! What the heck happened to your voice? You sound all weird and stuff.

MAI: I sound like a woman now.

JOEY: And it's weird and stuff. For some reason, I'm less attracted to you like this!

(cut to Valon and Rafael from another floor)

VALON: What's the matter, Wheeler? Mai too much for you to handle?

YAMI: Look, it's that Aussie fellow and the guy from Obelisk Blue!


YAMI: Way to be proud of your education, man!

JOEY: Mai, don't tell me you fell in with these jerks. We used to be best friends.

MAI: You left me on a blimp with a known psychopath while I was in a coma, so you could play video games.

JOEY: Best friends, Mai.

YAMI: It's too late, Joey. She's a woman, so her emotions are unpredictable. That's why she's evil now.

MAI: Actually, it's because I'm under the control of the Orichalcos. (shows the group that she imprisoned Pegasus in a card)

YAMI: And under the control of your hormones, no doubt.

MAI: (groans) Idiots. But I'll admit, not all stereotypes about women are inaccurate. For example, right now, I have a strong urge to clean.

JOEY: See now, that's the Mai we all know and kinda like.

MAI: ...The floor with you losers, when I beat you in a card game and take your souls! (activates The Seal of Orichalcos)

YAMI: Whoever Duels Mai risks taking her soul and looking like a giant woman-hater in the process. You got this, Joey!

JOEY: Oh, um... nyeh?

(ending; "Bicycle Race" by Queen plays)

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(post-ending; cut to Yami still angry at the gates)

CAPTIONS: created by littlekuriboh

edited by
ezekieru & 1kidsentertainment

YAMI: You win this round, window. But when you least expect it, I shall come at you with a ferociousness the likes of only which the gods have seen. (shakes the gates) Open, damn you!

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