|← "Becky With The Good Deck"||#77: "Loopy In The Sky With Duel Disks"||"Binary Sunseto" →|
Cast (in order of appearance): Mokuba Kaiba, Alister, Seto Kaiba, Téa Gardner, Yami Yugi, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, Pilot, Autopilot, Poor Kid #1, Poor Kid #2, Aaron (Voiced by BoobsMcBalrog), War Machine Pilot
Running Time: 13:21
CAPTION: Previously on Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged
MOKUBA: Previously on Yu-Gi-Oh!
PILOT: Thank you for flying Orichalcos Airlines. If you look out the window, you'll see one of the many plot holes in Season 4. Oh sorry, that was the Grand Canyon.
MOKUBA: Hey, bro, I think the pilot may be evil.
KAIBA: If I close my eyes and pretend real hard, it's like I'm flying on a dragon, wheeeeeeee...
CAPTION: This time, on Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged
MOKUBA: This time on Yu-Gi-Oh!
(cut to desert)
TÉA: (dips her bare foot into a river bank) Teeheeheeheeheehee. You're welcome, foot fetish fans.
YAMI: Man alive! This desert is rough! If only we still had those other two slaves with us.
YAMI: I don't bother to learn the names of my slaves, Téa. It only makes it harder for me to treat them with maximum disdain.
TÉA: Pharaoh, those aren't your slaves, those are your friends.
YAMI: Then why are they so weak and useless and only ever stand around saying how great I am?
TÉA: Do you think I'm a slave?
YAMI: Téa, of course not.
TÉA: Okay good, 'cause--
YAMI: (interrupts) Clearly, you are a handmaiden. There's a big difference.
TÉA: I can't believe I showed you my feet!
(cut to other part of desert, where a snake Joey and Tristan on the train tracks)
JOEY: Aw man, that snake don't look too happy to see us! What are we gonna do, Tristan?
TRISTAN: If only our master, the Pharaoh, were here. He'd know what to do.
TRISTAN: Yeah, you know, because we're his slaves.
JOEY: When did that happen?
TRISTAN: I signed our lives away in Season 1!
JOEY: And now we're gonna die as slaves by getting attacked by a snake!
TRISTAN: Actually, he says his name is Cornelius Jr. and he wants to play basketball just like how his father wanted him to.
JOEY: You can talk to snakes?!
TRISTAN: Do you know anything about me?!
(cut back to KaibaCorp airplane)
MOKUBA: Hey bro, are you sure it's safe for us to fly straight into that weird weather phenomenon?
KAIBA: Don't worry, Mokuba. KaibaCorp is partnered with United. They're pros. I'm sure everything will be--
(lights start to flicker on and off)
KAIBA: Completely boned.
ALISTER: Behooold, the power of the Orichalcooooos!
KAIBA: I guess we'd better go confront whatever villain of the week that is.
(cut to crew room, where the crew has vanished)
MOKUBA: Oh, no! The crew has mysteriously disappeared!
KAIBA: Whoever did this doesn't play by the rules. Usually, my enemies just kidnap you. But this guy, he kidnapped everyone except you.
MOKUBA: We are through the looking glass.
KAIBA: Mokuba, remind me to dock the flight crew's pay for the hours they missed while being magically abducted.
(Kaiba and Mokuba arrive at the conference room, where Alister is sitting at the end of the table, facing away from them)
ALISTER: They weren't just abducted, Kaiba! They were never here in the first place! (swivels his chair to face Kaiba and Mokuba) They were illusions created by me with the power of the Orichalcos!
MOKUBA: So the Orichalcos can steal people's souls, make monsters turn real, and create illusions of hundreds of people?
KAIBA: Welcome to Season 4, the show where the magical powers are made-up and the plot doesn't matter.
ALISTER: I still haven't forgiven you for being related to someone who was vaguely associated with the death of my brother, Kaiba! Let's Duel!
KAIBA: In the interest of safety, there is absolutely no smoking during this Duel. All Duel Disks must be set to airplane mode. And in the likely event that I completely own your ass at card games, there's an emergency lighting that will illuminate your way to the exit so you can get the hell out of my life. (hits a switch, retracting the conference table into the floor)
ALISTER: You have a button just to get rid of the furniture?
KAIBA: Of course I do. What kind of fool would play card games on a table? What is this, the Dark Ages?
ALISTER: You tell me, Kaiba! Because once I win this Duel and The Seal of Orichalcos takes your soul, the age of darkness is all you will know! (activates The Seal of Orichalcos, which expands its forcefield and knocks Mokuba into the staircase behind him)
(Alister screams as the entire plane fills with green light)
PILOT: We appear to be experiencing some rough air, but those of you in the KaibaCorp Airline Rewards Program, we'd like to once again thank you for your patience. (the Seal lifts Kaiba and Alister to the top of the plane) For those of you not in the reward program, flight attendants will be by shortly to poke you with sharp objects and make passive-aggressive remarks about your appearance.
ALISTER: Behold, Kaiba, for our Duel will take place in the very heavens themselves!
KAIBA: I imagine it would be pretty cool if I were Dueling someone I actually cared about. It's a good thing the autopilot's engaged or this could be seriously dangerous.
(cut to Mokuba in the cockpit)
MOKUBA: Don't worry, Seto! I'll save us! (grabs the throttle levers and presses buttons) Okay, let's see, how do I fly a plane? Well, these buttons look important.
AUTOPILOT: Automatic pilot off. Switching to manual. Warning: plane descending too rapidly. Collision with ground imminent.
MOKUBA: Oh God, what did I do?
(cut back to Duel, where Alister is surrounded by purple mist)
ALISTER: Now watch as I magically force you to experience a flashback of someone else's memories, which is yet another thing the Orichalcos is apparently able to do! (mist creeps into arena, enveloping Kaiba)
KAIBA: Uh-huh. Got it. (fade to black; Kaiba wakes up in an abandoned building) What? Where am I? That smell...that disgusting, repulsive smell...I'd recognize that anywhere.
(a hatch on the ceiling opens and several kids run downstairs with supplies)
POOR KID #1: Come on guys, let's get these supplies downstairs! We scavenged the heck out of this stuff.
KAIBA: Poor people.
AARON: Excuse me, mister, but how did you get into our secret hideout?
KAIBA: Oh, I'm not really here. This is just an illusion created by some Orichalcos punk in the hopes that it'll somehow make me feel some sort of responsibility for how bad his life was. Let me guess, you're supposed to remind me of Mokuba?
AARON: Mokuba? No mister, my name's Aaron.
KAIBA: I'm going to call you "Nokuba". And our relationship is going to be nothing like the one between me and my brother.
AARON: Okay, mister.
KAIBA: Shut up, Nokuba. (cut to Kaiba and Aaron walking outside) I can't believe what I'm seeing here. This is worse than I could have possibly imagined. Alister must have sent me to a place far more terrifying than the Shadow Realm. He's transported me into the plot of a young adult novel. Nokuba, answer me. How does a group of children survive in a war-torn environment like this?
AARON: We mostly get by using our street smarts and ingenuity.
KAIBA: Yeah, my brother Mokuba is pretty good at handling dangerous situations too.
(cut to real world, where Mokuba is screaming while struggling to control the plane)
(cut back to Alister's memories; Aaron's hideout is destroyed)
AARON: No! Our hideout! It's been destroyed! I have to save my friends!
(Aaron tries to run into the wreckage, but Kaiba stops him)
(KaibaCorp tanks speed on to the scene)
AARON: Oh, no! The tanks are here! They've been hitting our city with artillery fire for months and now they've found us! There's no escape! (the tanks come to a screeching halt)
(Alister is revealed to be standing alongside the tanks)
ALISTER: So now you finally understand the pain that I felt when I lost my brother all those years ago, Kaiba. The guilt in your soul is as plain as the look on your face.
KAIBA: Look, I get it, okay, Alister? War is bad. Death is bad. My stepfather was bad. Now will you please stop beating me over the head with all this symbolism and end this pretentious charade already?!
ALISTER: The only way you're getting out of this is to face the sins of your family and accept that deep down, you and the rest of humanity deserve to be wiped out!
KAIBA: Or I can just Summon my XYZ-Dragon Cannon and shoot my way out of here. (XYZ-Dragon Cannon blasts the tank with its cannons, ending the illusion)
KAIBA: Yep, I guess that works just as good.
ALISTER: You were supposed to have an epiphany about the evils of humanity!
KAIBA: Well instead I had an epiphany about the awesomeness of my cards, which are awesome. Look at that, it's a robot-dragon-tank. That alone proves that humanity is worth saving, because we made a robot-dragon-tank.
ALISTER: (angrily) You've learned nothing from my heavy-handed hallucination! I guess I'll just have to beat you in a card game and take your soul! I play Sky Union! This allows me to sacrifice three of my monsters in order to summon my ultimate beast! Come forth, Air Fortress Ziggurat! My Ziggurat is the ultimate weapon Kaiba, and it's aimed squarely at you!
KAIBA: Are you kidding? There's guns all over the damn thing. What isn't it aiming at?
ALISTER: You're just mad because my monster's design is cooler than anything you could come up with.
KAIBA: No, I'm mad because I never wanted to know what one of Hideo Kojima's wet dreams looked like, and now I do, so thanks for that.
ALISTER: This monster represents my brother Mikey's untimely death at the hands of KaibaCorp's military division!
KAIBA: Look, I understand how poetic this must be, forcing me to suffer the way your brother did, yadda, yadda, yadda. But listen to me: I am not responsible for your brother's death! KaibaCorp doesn't even have a military division anymore!
ALISTER: You expect me to believe you didn't keep any of your weapons division tech lying around?
KAIBA: I swear on my life we didn't keep a single flying war machine of death.
(a fleet of helicopters flies over the plane)
WAR MACHINE PILOT: This is KaibaCorp War Machine 1 on Rescue Approach Death Squadron! How may we assist you, Mr. Kaiba?
MOKUBA: Hey Seto, I called the war machines of death to come save us!
ALISTER: You lied to me!
KAIBA: (bluntly and sarcastically) Good job, Mokuba. Real big help.
MOKUBA: Yay! Go Team Kaiba!
(Alister screams in frustration, releasing shock waves that break the plane's windows and causing paper to fly out and Mokuba to lose his grip)
KAIBA: No! My paperwork! Also Mokuba I guess, but mostly my paperwork!
(Air Fortress Ziggurat fires its cannons, causing a huge explosion; when the smoke clears, Kaiba's LP drops to 100)
ALISTER: How does it feel to stare at the face of death, Kaiba?
KAIBA: Well, it would be way more intimidating if its face wasn't so damn adorable.
ALISTER: That's the face of my brother's favorite action figure, Dyna Dude!
KAIBA: Oh, you're right; now I'm really intimidated. And speaking of your Dyna Dude, I activate Soul Exchange! This allows me to sacrifice two of your stupid robots in order to Summon Blue-Eyes White Dragon!
ALISTER: What do you hope to achieve with this, Kaiba? Our two monsters are equal in strength thanks to the power of the Orichalcos! So when you attack and lose your dragon, it will be a simple matter of taking your Life Points and your soul! All thanks to the power--
KAIBA: (interrupts) of the Orichalcos. Yeah, yeah. You seem to have forgotten that the power of the Orichalcos is absolutely nothing compared to the power of whatever the hell trading card bullshit I pull out of thin air! This time, it's my Trap Card Tyrant Wing! Who needs weapons of mass destruction when you can just use a good old-fashioned dragon? (Blue-Eyes is equipped with Tyrant Wing and it fires a White Lightning at Air Fortress Ziggurat, forming a hole in front of it and destroying it)
ALISTER: No! My Air Fortress! This isn't right, Kaiba! This whole Duel was supposed to be a metaphor for the futility of war and how everybody loses when they choose to destroy!
KAIBA: Well, you got the futility and losing parts down.
ALISTER: Fine. But since I can't beat you in this Duel, I'm just going to leave and let you die in a plane crash.
KAIBA: No, no, no, hang on, don't go! You gotta keep playing.
KAIBA: Because...you're doing so well. Look, you've got three monsters and I've got only one. You're a shoe-in.
ALISTER: I don't know...seems kinda like you're goading me.
KAIBA: Trust me. Out of all the bad guy Duelists I've ever faced, you were definitely the most likely to wipe the floor with me.
ALISTER: Alright then. I end my turn.
ALISTER: But you said--
KAIBA: That you were most likely to win? That's right; all my other opponents have had a 0% chance of beating me. You had 0.1. But it was a big .1%. Huge, really. Be proud of that. Now, Blue-Eyes Tyrant Dragon! Destroy all three of his monsters! (Blue-Eyes Tyrant Dragon blasts a beam from its mouth, destroying Alister's monsters and reducing Alister's LP to 0)
PILOT: We seem to be experiencing elevated levels of turbulence. In an emergency situation, parachutes are available for $500 a head. In case of a water landing, KaibaCorp Airline Rewards Club members may use those passengers not in the rewards program as flotation devices.
(Mokuba runs up to Alister)
MOKUBA: Alister! Are you alright?
ALISTER: Mikey... Is that really you? (sees Mokuba as Mikey) It is! Mikey, we've been reunited. (in a fantasy, a young Alister hands the Dyna Dude figure to Mikey) It's all thanks to the power of the--
(in the real world, Alister has just collapsed, his soul taken by the Orichalcos)
MOKUBA: Yeah, he's dead. Dibs on his crappy broken stuff!
KAIBA: We're going to be the crappy broken stuff if we don't safely land this plane! (takes the plane's controls) Not even Microsoft Flight Simulator has prepared me for this! This is just like this one recurring dream I have, except in the dream, I'm saved at the last second by magical dragons. It was the best day (Kaiba's Duel Disk glows, then Critias flies out) Oh my God, yes; it's actually happening!
(cut to Téa and Yami)
YAMI: Téa, do you see what I'm seeing?
KAIBA: YEEEEEEEEEES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! (Timaeus grabs the plane in an effort to keep it from crashing)
TÉA: That depends; do you see three legendary dragons helping a plane land while Seto Kaiba has what sounds like he has the biggest orgasm of his life?
(cut to the three dragons keeping the plane steady while Kaiba is having the time of his life)
YAMI: Okay, good; I wasn't the only one imagining that.
KAIBA: YES! (plane crash-lands)
(Joey and Tristan arrive on the scene)
TÉA: Look! It's Joey and Tristan!
JOEY: Oh, hey guys. I guess we found each other.
TRISTAN: Weren't we all in the middle of the desert like five minutes ago?
JOEY: A plane just landed exactly where we all were with the help of three legendary dragons and that is the plot hole you were all focusing on?
TRISTAN: Did you guys notice that this episode had the exact same ending as Bee Movie?
YAMI: Yes, Tristan. We all noticed.
(cut to Kaiba holding Alister's body in front of one of the doors)
KAIBA: I am now a member of the mile high club! (Yami and his friends stare at Kaiba awkwardly) Why are you all looking at me like that?
YAMI: Kaiba, what do you think the mile high club is?
KAIBA: Isn't it that where you beat someone in a Duel while you're on a plane?
YAMI: Actually-- (Kaiba glares at him) No, yes, you're right; that's exactly what it is.
KAIBA: Mile high club!
[Yu-Gi-Oh Season 4 except every time
they say Orichalcos, the plot gets dumber]
SPECIAL THANKS TO
The Kauffman family