← "The Incredible Hobson" #50: "Joey Wheeler Ace Attorney" "The Death Of Tristan Taylor" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yugi, Téa/Crump, Tristan, Duke, Joey, Alphonse Elric, Mai, Johnson/Judge Man, Flame Swordsman, Kaiba, Mokuba, Gozaburo, Chibi-Kaiba, Hair Guy, Mullet Guy, Yami Yugi, Bandit Keith, Weevil, Heavyset Cheerleader, Ghost Nappa, Baby Pharaoh, Shimon Muran, Kuriboh.

Date: October 31, 2010

Running Time: 9:14

Transcript Edit

(Standard Flying Cards Opening)

YAMI: (rapping)
If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it!
Take out my deck so the card games resolve it!

(A frozen tundra; "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice plays)

YUGI: God, I'm freezing my ass off here! I feel about as cold as a Stanley Kubrick movie.

"TÉA": (Still possessed by Crump) Hey Yugi, maybe we should rub our bodies together.

YUGI: (oblivious to "Téa"'s seductions) God, I hope Tristan is okay.

"TÉA": You know, to keep warm...

YUGI: I sure do miss Tristan right now.

"TÉA": (Sounding irritated) My nipples are very hard, Yugi.

YUGI: I'm still really concerned about Trist—

"TÉA": (Interrupting) Dammit Yugi touch my boobs!!!

YUGI: Man, what would Tristan do in this situation?

(Cut to Tristan and Duke)

TRISTAN: I'm gonna touch your boobs!

DUKE: ...Why?

(Title sequence)

(Cut to Joey inside a large mansion)

JOEY: Hello? Anybody? Oh, come on, man! I can't be the only person in this freaky place!

SUIT OF ARMOR: Excuse me? Have you seen my big brother Edward? He's very short...

JOEY: Shut up, talking suit of armor!

SUIT OF ARMOR: My name is Al!

JOEY: God, this is crazy! I haven't even been in the show for the past two episodes, and now I'm just wandering around completely aimlessly! You know, it's enough to make a guy angry. So angry that you might call it rage. Rage that is specifically located in the westernmost county of Long Island, New York. (quickly) Also-known-as-Brooklyn! (kicks a wall and smashes it, revealing a door with the DHARMA Initiative logo) Haha! Once again, vandalism solves all my problems! Thanks, abusive dad! Your constant boozing has taught me a valuable lesson!

CAPTION: [it's funny because it's canon!]

(Cut to Joey inside what appears to be the docking bay)

JOEY: Hey, I found the blimp! Now I can escape and pursue my dreams of becoming a famous British secret agent! With his own theme music! ("Nyeh's" to the tune of James Bond theme music while he runs into the blimp up to Mai's room, where she lies in bed) Hey, it's Boob Breastentine! I mean, Mai Breastentine. Man, even without a soul, I still find her extremely attractive, it must be true love! That or just a really sick fetish. One or the other.

("Mai" gets up)

"MAI": (Actually Johnson disguised as her) Hello, Joseph, I've been waiting for you.

JOEY: Ahhh! Mai Valentine, you sound like a man! That is completely normal for this series, but still, what the hell!?

"MAI": I'm sorry, is it putting you off?

JOEY: No, actually, I still find you very attractive! Ehhhh!

("Mai" morphs into Johnson while original Transformers morph sound effect plays)

JOHNSON: It is I, Johnson, third member of the Big Five, and head of the 4Kids legal department!

JOEY: Okay...

JOHNSON: You still find me attractive, don't you?

JOEY: A little bit! Nyeeehhh!!!

JOHNSON: I'm putting you on trial, Joseph! (Transforms into Judge Man and a courtroom for background) Welcome to 4Kids courtroom; the honorable Judge Man presiding, all up in this bitch!


JOHNSON: Your series is in violation of copyright law. It is my job to see that you are rightfully punished.

JOEY: Hold on a second, you are that guy who is been taking out all the abridged series on YouTube! You are that guy who got us banned twice!

JOHNSON: That's right, Joseph. And you know what they say, third time's the charm.

JOEY: Not if I can help it! I summon my Deck Master, the Flame Swordsman!

FLAME SWORDSMAN: My name is Frank!

JOEY: Flame Swordsman, everybody!


(Cut to Kaiba in Gozaburo's office)

KAIBA: When I was 10 years old, I came up with the designs for the first ever Duel Disk system. As you can imagine, it was brilliant, but my stepfather didn't quite see it that way.

GOZABURO: This is preposterous! (throws Kaiba's papers back at him) A device that uses holograms to play children's card games!? You are out of your mind!

KAIBA: But father, kids just love complex machinery!

GOZABURO: I've heard enough! I'm not funding your project. Instead, I'm going to use all my money to create weapons of mass destruction, that will threaten the stability of world peace!

KAIBA: That's insane!

GOZABURO: You are just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first. Guards! Take him outside and punish him for his insolent behavior! Whip him till his name is Toby!

KEMO: Attention duelists! I'm afraid you'll have to come with me!

KAIBA: Who the hell are you?

KEMO: I am the Hair Guy, and this is my brother, the Mullet Guy!

MULLET GUY: Attention duelists! My mullet is going to give you such a spanking!

(Back to the court)

YUGI: Joey!? What's going on?

JOEY: This Judge guy is trying to get me convicted.

YUGI: Oh, that's crazy. You're Joey Wheeler. You are the best guy I know. You've never hurt anybody.

(Flashback to a scene in the middle of nowhere)

CAPTION: At a recent picnic...

JOEY: Hey Pharaoh! Have you seen a sandwich anywhere?

YAMI: Ummmmmm....

JOEY: Because I could have sworn I left my sandwich right here.

YAMI: I'm sorry Joey, but I believe I ate your sandwich.

JOEY: Nyehhh... (grabs Yami by the collar) Give me back my sandwich, ya bastard! (Punches Yami)

YAMI: Ugh!

(End flashback; cut back to the court)

YUGI: Mm-most of the time, anyway.

"TÉA": Hey Yugi, I'd like to violate a few laws... with you... (slurps) sexuallyyy...

YUGI: Not now Téa, there are card games that are happening.

JOEY: Umm, Yug, does Téa seem kinda different to you?

YUGI: I haven't noticed anything, you feeling okay Téa?

"TÉA": Friendship!

YUGI: Oh, she seems fine, Joey.

JOHNSON: Order in my court! I will not tolerate any further insubordination!

YUGI: Man, this is just like watching Judge Judy, where they drag a bunch of lower-class morons who don't know the first thing about the law to a televised court room scenario and proceed to humiliate them. But fortunately for Joey, he's no moron, isn't that right, Joey?

(Joey whistles "The Fishin' Hole" from "The Andy Griffith Show". Johnson's gavel also bangs in tune)

YUGI: Your honor, I wish to retract my previous statement.

JOHNSON: I call to the stand the first in a series of celebrity witnesses to testify against the defendant. State your name please.

BANDIT KEITH: My name is Bandit Keith, and I am an American.

JOHNSON: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

BANDIT KEITH: I swear to tell the only truth that matters: The American Truth!

JOHNSON: Eh, good enough.

BANDIT KEITH: The defendant and I were playing a card game, when he shamelessly chose to steal my catchphrase! In America!

JOHNSON: So this is not the first case of plagiarism you have been involved with, Joseph?

JOEY: Ah, that guy is a fraud, he ain't even really American!

BANDIT KEITH: I don't know what you're talking about, ya hoser! (waves Canadian flag)

JOHNSON: (bangs gavel) Next witness.

WEEVIL: Ummm, hehehe, we were like, playing a card game, hehehe, and then when I lost, he told some guy to break my neck.

FANGIRL 3: (manly voice) He took me out on a date, and then I never saw him again!

JOEY: Oh baby come on, I've been busy!

FANGIRL 3: You heartbreaker!

GHOST NAPPA: I'm afraid I have never met the gentleman in question.

BABY PHARAOH: Wah! Wah! Baby Pharaoh no like blonde man! And somebody fetch me a nipple!

KURIBOH: Dodalalalalalalalala!

JOEY: Objection!

JOHNSON: Overruled! The witness's statement will stand.

KURIBOH: Lalalalala!

JOEY: (thinking) Man, I'm in trouble now; that Kuriboh's testimony really made things difficult for me!

YUGI: Come on, Téa! We have to shout words of encouragement so Joey will win!

"TÉA": Penguins!

YUGI: That's... not actually a word of encouragement, Téa.

"TÉA": It encourages me, Yugi...(Bites lip) Oh, my...

JOHNSON: And that brings us to the end of our hearing; does the defendant have any closing statements?

JOEY: Yeah, I have a closing statement: (Proud music plays) Maybe we have commited copyright infringement, but you gotta know we've done everything in our power to support the Yu-Gi-Oh! franchise. And if it weren't for us, I don't think this show will be nearly as strong as it is right now.

JOHNSON: And where is your evidence, as such?

JOEY: Look around, Johnson! There are more Yu-Gi-Oh! fans now than ever before! And the more you try to stifle our creativity, the more we will try to express our love for a show that is about more than just children's card games! It's about fighting for what you believe in! And I believe in this show and its fans now more than ever! Because they believe in me! (He pounds on his podium)

YUGI: This is so meta.

JOEY: Flame Swordsman! Use the strength given to me by the Yu-Gi-Oh! fanbase to wipe out Judge Man's Life Points!

FLAME SWORDSMAN: My name... is Frank!!! (destroys Johnson's Dragoness the Wicked Knight)

JOHNSON: Nooooooooooooooo!! (vanishes)

JOEY: Well, it looks like Johnson... couldn't handle the truth! Huh? Huh?


JOEY: O-kay!

"TÉA": Hey Yugi, can we go back to the place with all the penguins?

YUGI: For the last time, no! God, stop asking that.

(Ending: Reprise of "The Fishin' Hole")

[fifty episodes....
thanks for sticking by me
all this time!]

(Stinger: dialogue from the original English anime)

MARIK (voiced by Jonathan Todd Ross and David Wills; possessing Seeker): Remember me, Pharaoh? Congratulations on defeating my rare hunter, though he was the weakest Duelist in my—

("Promise" by Kohmi Hirose plays; Seeker starts to dance, then collapses)

JOEY: (voiced by Wayne Grayson) Man, that was weird.


KAIBA: You know, you're not very good at grabbing children.

KEMO: Attention, duelists! My hair is considering taking classes.

MULLET GUY: Attention, duelists! My mullet thinks it's a waste of time.

KEMO: Shut up, mullet guy.


PHOENIX WRIGHT: (offscreen) Objection!

(The "Objection!" logo from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney appears; "Investigation: Cornered" from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney plays; Joey and Kaiba are imposed over a Phoenix Wright background.)

JOEY: (drawn in the style of Phoenix Wright) Hey, what gives, here? We went this whole episode without doing a Phoenix Wright reference. How is that even possible?

KAIBA (drawn in the style of Miles Edgeworth from Phoenix Wright): Please, Wheeler. Phoenix Wright references are such old hat. I'd expect that sort of thing from Naruto Abridged, not a classy show like this.

JOEY: But the freakin' episode is called "Joey Wheeler: Ace Attorney"!

KAIBA: Look, man, YouTube is for whiny, self-important blogs and terrible anime fan-dubs. If you really want see a lame video game parody, just go to Newgrounds.

SOLOMON: (drawn in the style of the judge from Phoenix Wright) Where am I?

(fade to black)

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