|← "Rocks Fall, Everyone Duels"||#82: "Bullseye"|
Running Time: 18:26
DARTZ: Previously, on the Yu-Gay-Oh...
(cut to the previous episode)
YAMI: It's over, Dartz! Nothing you can do or say will stop us from defeating you.
DARTZ: You ain't go no fwiends...
YAMI: Oh no, now I'm sad. This is a very emotional scene, so please don't look directly at my butt, no matter how distracting or sexy it might be.
DARTZ: Oh ho ho, then I summon a monster with infinity +2 Attack Points!
YAMI: Hey, no fair. I'm gonna tell mom you're cheating.
DARTZ: Nuh-uAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (The Great Leviathan emerges from the background and swallows Dartz, then retreats back from whence it came)
(Yugi appears and turns his head back)
TÉA: Yugi's back. But more importantly, we all saw the Pharaoh's butt.
(cut to Yugi face to face with Yami, now back inside Yugi)
YUGI: Pharaoh, I'm so happy to be reunited with you. And now, we finally get this big emotional payoff to our separation--
YAMI: (interrupts, in an annoyed tone) Yes, totally. Hey Yugi, can you go back inside the puzzle so I can play a card game with a giant monster?
YUGI: Oh. OK, but after that, we'll have the big emotional payoff, right?
DARTZ: This time, on the Yu-Gay-Oh, mayn...
(cut to the sunken city of Atlantis rising out of the ocean)
YUGI: Dartz must be waiting for us on that island. We have to get up there and duel him.
JOEY: I don't understand Yug. Didn't you just beat that guy?
YUGI: Yeah, but Dartz has been preparing for this moment for 10,000 years. We didn't defeat him. We just unlocked his second health bar.
KAIBA: We better go back inside Dartz's hideout and figure out how to get up onto that island.
ROLAND: (off screen) Mr. Kaiba, we have a helicopter. We can take you all up there right now if--
YUGI: (ignoring him) Kaiba's right. Atlantis must be connected to this place via some kind of magical portal. That's the only way we can get up there and challenge Dartz.
ROLAND: Hello?! Helicopter. Right here.
TRISTAN: (carrying Rafael on his shoulder) If only we had some way to follow you and make sure you get back safely.
ROLAND: I'll just be over here with my invisible helicopter then.
TÉA: (to Yugi) Yugi. Promise me you'll come back.
YUGI: Don't worry Tea, I'll make it back OK. After all, I promised you we'd go on that date together.
TÉA: What? I don't remember that.
YUGI: Well, before all that Orichalcos started, you said you'd go see a movie with me, remember?
TÉA: Oh. Um... I... think... I thought I was talking to the Pharaoh when I suggested that.
YUGI: Oh. Well now, this is just really awkward.
TÉA: But I mean I don't mind watching something on Netflix with you guys when you get back it's jus--
YUGI: Yeah, you're just making it worse. Anyways, I'm gonna go face my nemesis up on that floating island.
TRISTAN: Hey Yugi! Make sure you get Knuckles the Echidna's autograph for me! I LOVE him!
(the title intro and opening sequence plays)
(cut to the inside of Dartz's temple, in which Kaiba and Joey walk through the main hall and turn left. Yugi runs right behind them)
KAIBA: Wheeler, who said you could come?
JOEY: (offscreen) I gotta come Kaiba. My sister needs the prize money for her eye operation.
KAIBA: That is all kinds of not what's happening.
(as Kaiba and Joey are chatting, Yugi's millennium puzzle begins to glow)
YUGI: Wow. My eBay sensors are tingling. There must be some rare cards nearby. The Egyptian god cards! (Yugi pulls out a card out of each of the three statues' mouth) Kinda weird how the god cards are totally OK with being held hostage by an evil organization bent on destroying the world, but they'll resort to literal divine intervention because a dude tried to paint them.
(Yami appears to Yugi)
YAMI: Have you ever been painted without permission?
YUGI: Well, no.
YAMI: Then don't judge.
(cut to Joey and Kaiba, where they stand in front of a portal)
JOEY: Hey look Kaiba. A hole. Must be like looking in a mirror for you.
KAIBA: I don't get it.
JOEY: You know, 'cuz you're a... an A-hole.
KAIBA: That doesn't make any sense, why would I be a hole?
YUGI: (catches up to the duo) You know Joey, if you have to explain your joke, or it's a reference, then it really isn't funny.
JOEY: Eh, you guys are no fun, let's just go in there.
(the trio walk into the portal simultaneously)
KAIBA: You know, we really have no idea where this portal will take us, but I have total confidence in this decision.
(the portal transports the trio into the Atlantis ruins)
YUGI: So this is the lost empire of Atlantis.
KAIBA: And just like the Disney movie, it looks like this place was also a colossal failure.
JOEY: Hey, do you think we should all head for that obvious giant glowing beam of light?
(cut to the floating island of Atlantis)
KAIBA: Yeah, but not because you suggested it.
YUGI: Well, it's been five seconds since the Pharaoh's been on screen, so I better tag out.
(the Millennium Puzzle glows and Yami takes Yugi's place)
YAMI: Why wasn't I on screen for five seconds?
(cut to the ruins, where the camera views in on Dartz, encompassed in ice)
JOEY: Whoa, check it out. Dartz turned himself into a human popsicle. Hey Kaiba, I'll give you $10 if you put your tongue on that thing.
KAIBA: Ten whole dollars? Oh my God, hold me back.
(Dartz appears in the sky and the trio looks up to him as he speaks)
DARTZ: Hey, I'll toss in another $10 if you wanna put your tongue on Seto Kaiba!
YAMI: Dartz! Come down from there at once! I am not playing a card game with the ceiling. Not after what happened last time.
JOEY: Why, what happened Yugi?
YAMI: I sent the ceiling to the Shadow Realm. And ever since then, it's been impossible to sleep at night when it rains.
DARTZ: Oh my! Since I couldn't claim the Phawawoh's wife force, I've given the Gweat Weviathan the next best thang: my own soul dude! (laughs)
YAMI: Guy sure has a high opinion on his soul.
DARTZ: Oh, it ain't just me, bro. Oh, no, no! But don't take my word for it. You can just ask the Gweat Weviathan when he gets here! (laughs) (the beam of light is shape shifted and dives down into the water to retrieve The Great Leviathan from the water as Dartz speaks. He then twists his tail around the floating island and reveals his face to the trio) And look at that, he showed up. It's good timing!
YAMI: By the hoary hosts of Horus! He's huge!
JOEY: Yeah, and I'm pretty sure he's trying to mate with the island.
KAIBA: It doesn't look nearly enough like a dragon for me to be into that.
DARTZ: Ey, lookie here, mayn. My brand new Gweat Weviathan has himself a shiny new hood ornament, courtesy of yours twuly: it's me! Dartz! I'm the hood ornament.
JOEY: (with his Duel Disk armed) I was done with this season like two seasons ago. Let's take this mook out card game style.
YAMI: I'm down for that.
KAIBA: Alright, then let's finish this fight together...
JOEY: ...by Summoning the monsters that represent the bonds of our true destiny!
JOEY: OK guys. Take them out.
DARTZ: You heard the mayn, Leviathan. Take them out.
(Leviathan roars and fire pelts of crystal towards the knights, which explode and takes them all out upon contact)
JOEY: Wait, what?
DARTZ: FOOLISH JOEY WHEEWER! Did you weally think that the dragon knights who were destined to defeat me would actually defeat me?
JOEY: I mean, kind of. Otherwise, why are we even here?
YAMI: You know technically, I never said it was time to Duel, so we should really get a do-over on that turn.
DARTZ: The onwy turn you're going to be taking is for my Weviathan. Because the Gweat Weviathan 'bout to get turnt up when it absorbs your wife force!
(Leviathan's tongue fires and grabs the entire trio, then he pulls them all up into his body)
JOEY: Nyeh! But I don't want to be a symbiote. NYEEEEH!
KAIBA: (at the same time as Yami) Joey nooooooise!
DARTZ: (evilly laughs) I'm sure you've all seen enough hentai to see where this is going.
KAIBA: The joke's on you Dartz because I haven't see any hentai.
JOEY: Kaiba, I know we're all about to die, but I feel especially bad for you right now. Like wow. Like wow.
DARTZ: Don't fight it, boys. Let the despair swallow you and become one with the Great Leviathan.
KAIBA: He's right. I can feel all my sadness. My regret... stronger than it's ever been.
JOEY: Nyeh. All the times I could've told my sister I loved her. All the times I let my friends down.
KAIBA: All the times I had to listen to Joey Wheeler talking.
JOEY: All the times Kaiba got on my nerves.
KAIBA: All the times Joey expected me to respond to another stupid thing he said!
JOEY: All the times Kaiba sucked!
YAMI: Enough! Don't you see? This is what Dartz wants. He wants us to consume ourselves with our negativity or hate. If we want to escape, we must do the opposite.
KAIBA: You're gonna have to EILIJ that one Yugi.
KAIBA: "Explain It Like I'm Joey."
JOEY: Hey! What Yug means is we've got to be positive. We gotta open up our hearts and fight against our despair with happiness. So come on, Kaiba. Show us some love, man.
KAIBA: OK. Uh, I really really like Yugi and Joey.
YAMI: That's it Kaiba! You're doing it.
KAIBA: Beating them in card games and making them look weak is just the best-- (the symbiote begins to suck Kaiba in) Oh my God, it's not working at all! (he sinks completely into Leviathan)
YAMI: Kaiba, no! OK Joey, it's up to us. We have to think positive. Remember all those times we won card games through skill and strategy and knew exactly what we were doing the whole time?
(the symbiote sucks Joey into Leviathan's body)
JOEY: It's not working Yug! Oh God, why did I use Swordsman of Landstar so much?
YAMI: (thinking) They're gone. It's all up to me now. (he begins to sink into Leviathan's skin) I... I don't know if I can do this. I'm the Pharaoh. I'm not supposed to be the one feeling love. I'm the one who's supposed to feel loved by other people.
(Yugi appears to Yami)
YUGI: And we do, Pharaoh.
YUGI: Believe me, you don't make it easy, but we love you. You're our friend. You're my partner. There must be something that you unironically love about us in return.
YAMI: I... I love... the way Joey fights for the people he loves. I love Téa's stupid friendship speeches. I love Tristan's ability to break people's necks with his mind. But most of all... (out loud) I LOVE YOU YUGI!
(three primary color beams of light shoot out of Leviathan's body, with each beam playing the notes of an F-sharp chord)
DARTZ: THE FRIGIDITY F*CK MAN?!
YAMI: In the name of the Pharaoh, and those I care about, I summon a force beyond compare!
(an explosion takes place inside Leviathan, which hurdles Yami, Kaiba, and Joey out backwards into the air)
YAMI & KAIBA: Aahhhh!
JOEY: (at the same time) NYYYEH!
DARTZ: (as the trio plummets towards the ground) Aw come on-- Oh come on mayn! Oh come on mayn! Don't tell me he Summoned the-- OH DAMN IT TO HELL! The Egyptian God Cards! Obelisk the Tormentor, Slifer the Executive Producer, and the Mega Ultra Chicken! Perhaps it's time for good ol' Dartz to skee-daddle.
(Leviathan begins to fly away, the trio of monsters follow suit)
YAMI: You're not going anywhere Dartz.
(Yami, having already swapped with Yugi, shoots up into the sky in pursuit of Dartz)
YUGI: OK, how the f*ck did he do that? I guess there's a jet-pack inside the Millennium Puzzle too.
(An explosion takes place below the clouds, dissipating them, and the trio of monsters catch up with Dartz and the Great Leviathan. Yami then appears alongside Slifer)
YAMI: Dartz. You besmirched my good name, you took my God cards, you separated me from my partner, and you made me use public transportation. But the line must be drawn here. This far, no further! I won't allow you to wipe out the human race.
DARTZ: Why do you even care, mayn?! None of this matters to you! You're already dead! Blah, blah, blah, omae wa mou shindeiru.
YAMI: Funny thing about that Dartz. You see, for the first time in a long while, I feel very much alive. But you're about to be the opposite. Go, my Egyptian god cards! Engage the Great Leviathan in the coolest beam battle anime has ever seen!
(as Yami is speaking, all three monsters spew a beam of energy towards the Great Leviathan, who, at the same time, spews his own beam of energy towards the trio. Both beams meet, creating a shock-wave in the sky)
JOEY: (seeing the shock-wave from the ground) What do you suppose is happening up there?
YUGI: (looking up) I don't know, probably the coolest beam battle anime has ever seen?
KAIBA: Glad we came all the way up here so that we could not know what was going on.
(back in the sky)
DARTZ: Ooh, victory eludes you Pharaoh! Even combining your God cards are no match for the Great Leviathan. AIn't this the most epic Duel?
YAMI: It's kinda hard to make out. Are you saying "Duel" or "do"?
DARTZ: I mean, I mean... it's 'dool'. Uh... i-it's 'dool'. You know, like it's... I don't know mayn, it's a very distracting thing to ask in the middle of a-- (the trio's combined beam of energy begins to push back on Leviathan's attack) W-Wait, wha-wha-wha? No, no, no, no, NO! (the combined beam hits Leviathan, knocking him backwards) Come on mayn, not the Great Leviathan!
(Leviathan then explodes, leaving Dartz stuttering in disbelief)
DARTZ: (continues) I WAITED TEN THOUSAND YEARS ON THIS PWAN!! Man, it was tight! It was so tight, why'd you go and loosen my tight ass pwan mayn?! We had motorcycles and we did it before it was cool! Well, it was never really cool, but still nonetheless, we did it before everyone else did! (The Great Leviathan's dead corpse falls and sinks into the ocean) Ah god damn it, it's the second worst day of my wife! Well, actually the worst day was when my wife became a furry.
(all the ghosts from the collected souls begin to appear in the sky)
YUGI: The Leviathan! It's gone!
JOEY: And everyone's souls are going back to where they belong.
KAIBA: Does this mean I can take back all the nice things I said?
JOEY: Kaiba, you said like one nice thing.
KAIBA: And I'm taking it back.
(the floating island of Atlantis begins to rumble under the trio's feet)
YUGI: Uh oh, the island feels unstable.
(the island begins to shake and crumble)
JOEY: Yeah, it's probably because Kaiba's ego is too heavy.
KAIBA: Less old jokes, more running!
(all three run towards the portal)
JOEY: Come on guys, we're almost through this filler arch! We just gotta jump through that plot hole and we'll be fine. Last one through is a loser.
(Joey and Kaiba run through, but Yugi stops in front of the portal)
YAMI: Wait Yugi. (he appears to Yugi)
YUGI: Pharaoh? What is it?
YAMI: If we go through that portal, we'll be a loser.
YUGI: Oh no Pharaoh. It's just a figure of speech.
DARTZ: (appearing behind Yami and Yugi) And speaking of speeches mayn, it looks like you spoke too soon, you little b*tch!
YAMI: It's Dartz! Somehow he survived certain destruction. Again.
DARTZ: My soul still resides in the Leviathan dude! And so long as humanity's evil exists, so will my great beast.
YAMI: In that case, so long as I reject the idea that humanity is inherently evil, you will be powerless to hurt me.
YUGI: Pharaoh, I don't think that's how this works.
YAMI: Don't worry Yugi. I've seen this trope before. We're fighting on the conceptual level now rather than a physical one. (The Great Leviathan stares down Yami) If I believe strongly enough that humanity is still good, then his attack should have no effect on me. So bring it on Dartz! Hit me with your best shot.
DARTZ: As you wish mayn!
(The Great Leviathan charges towards Yami and bites him)
YAMI: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! YUGI! I F**KED UP! I don't think any of this is a metaphor! OH F**K, IT HURTS! OH F**K, F**K, S**T, F**K, F**K, S**T, F**K, F**K, S**T, F**K, F**K, S**T, F**K, F**K!
YUGI: Pharaoh, do something! Summon Dark Magician--
YAMI: DOES IT F**KING LOOK LIKE I CAN SUMMON F**KING DARK MAGICIAN RIGHT NOW??!! Wait... I can feel the Leviathan's power weakening. The more I embrace this pain, the more I accept it's a part of me, the more control I have over it. If I can just concentrate, it'll keep shrinking until it no longer exists. (Leviathan shrinks and fades out of existence) Ugh, manly fainting noises.
(Yami starts to fall backwards, and Yugi breaks his fall)
YUGI: Pharaoh! What happened? Is the Great Leviathan--
YAMI: .--gone. It forced me to confront the ugliest parts of myself. But fortunately for everyone, even the ugliest parts of me are damn good looking. If only Dartz had understood that true evil could never overcome the power of sexy anime characters.
(Dartz, having collapsed from the previous battle, wakes up in his younger form)
IRONHEART: My son, it's been a long time.
(Ironheart and Chris appear in front of Dartz)
YAMI: Look Yugi! It's Ironheart and Chris. And Sky, the dog. Easily the breakout character of the season. Right up there with Ghost Napa.
DARTZ: Father! And my daughter Chris! Is that really you?
YAMI: Wait, Chris is his freaking daughter?!
CHRIS: Yup, that's me! I'm Dartz's daughter.
YAMI: But didn't Dartz kill you?
CHRIS: Yup. He did. Kinda seems it should've been a bigger deal than it was, huh?
DARTZ: The last thing I remember is my hot Atlantean wife Queen Iona turning into some sort of creature.
IRONHEART: He recalls nothing of the time he was corrupted by the Orichalcos. That means my son is totally redeemed.
YAMI: Wait, so because he doesn't remember doing it, he's in the clear? Didn't this entire season hinge on the fact that I might be an evil person, but I just didn't remember it? Why does he get a fresh slate?
IRONHEART: You're welcome to try and explain what happened to him if you like.
YAMI: All right. Dartz, 10,000 years ago, a bunch of green rocks fell from the sky that made you try and kill everybody because a giant worm told you to.
DARTZ: I'm--I'm sorry, beg your pardon?
YAMI: You know what? It doesn't matter.
IRONHEART: Thank you for bringing peace to our family, except for Dartz's wife who apparently didn't deserve to be reunited with him.
DARTZ: Uh, we were on the rocks actually, so it does make sense.
IRONHEART: The inconsistent magic portal should now return you safely to your friends.
YAMI: Hey Yugi, you ready to get the f**k out of this season?
YUGI: You said it partner. (they semi hug each other and walk together into the portal)
DARTZ: They seemed nice. I wish I could remember our friendship.
IRONHEART: You actually tried to murder them several times and used the Orichalcos to split them apart.
DARTZ: Father, what on earth is a, uh, Ori- ori-Orichalcos, you said? OriCHALcos? O-RI-CHAL-COS. HA, HA, HA! Orichalco-
(The KaibaCorp helicopter lifts off and flies away while the floating island of Atlantis crumbles into the ocean and sinks)
TRISTAN: Hey look! Atlantis has fallen. That's what the in-flight movie is on this helicopter ride. It's Gerard Butler's best performance yet.
TÉA: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not in the mood to stare at Gerard Butler right now.
(cut to a hospital)
REX: (laughs) Hey Weevil. Check it out. We're in... de ward.
WEEVIL: Ohh, yeeaahh. Heh-Heh-Heh.
(Both Weevil and Rex start laughing. In the next hospital room over, their laughing wakes up Alister)
ALISTER: (thinking) Oh. I'm alive. I don't remember much of what happened, but that childlike laughter I can hear reminds me of my brother Mikey. (out loud) Don't worry Mikey. I'll be coming home real soon, just as soon as I remember what country I'm from.
REX: (laughs from the next room over) He said "come"--
(cut to a beachside home, where Valon wakes up)
VALON: Tell me it ain't so! Blimey! Last thing I know, I'm hitting on some bird, then I wake up here! (One of Valon's cards falls to the ground) Huh? (he gets out of bed, then walks outside to the patio) Well, I gotta admit: this ain't the first time I've woken up in a strange girl's bed only to find out she's given me herpes.
(cut to the beach, where Mai drives her motorcycle alongside the water)
MAI: (thinking) I hope Valon appreciates my gift. The way I now appreciate the gifts my friends have given me. Joey, I'm sorry for how I've treated you. And no matter where life takes me, you'll always be in my heart. I only hope wherever you are right now, you can spare a thought for me.
(cut to the helicopter, where Joey and Tea are looking out the window)
JOEY: Hey, check it out down there. That big boobed bimbo on the motorcycle just totally flipped over on the beach and got a face full of sand. Why the big boob blonde bimbo babe lady?
TEA: Wait, look! Over there! It's Yugi, he's alright!
(the helicopter descends down to where Yugi is standing)
YUGI: Pharaoh! We're getting rescued. Isn't that super special... Pharaoh? (he glances over to see Yami watching the sunset over the horizon) Oh I get it. You're trying to come up with a funny one liner to say about our friends don't deserve to rescue you. Or that you're grateful you won't be stuck on a beach with me anymore, right?
YAMI: No Yugi. I'm not doing any of those things. I'm just enjoying being with you.
YUGI: Pharaoh. It's been so long since we started this adventure together. But it feels like it's been even longer since I saw him like this: like a complete person. He looks so happy to be with me again. Well, from now on, it's him and me. Together. And nothing is ever going to split us apart again.
(end of episode, music begins playing)
Next Season, Yami Leaves Forever.
Yu-Gi-Oh the abridged series. Final Season, coming 2019.
(the music fades away, cut to a blooper scene)
[Caption: "extra special thanks to Takahata101"]
DARTZ: Orichalcos? The Orichalcos. Hmm, it's a sexy word, it really is.
PATREON @ patreon.com/littlekuriboh
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
The Kauffman Family
Michael J.D. Holmes