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← "Valley of the Duels" #76: "Becky With The Good Deck" "Loopy In The Sky With Duel Disks" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Tristan Taylor, Téa Gardner, Ironheart, Chris, Dartz, Yami Yugi, Joey Wheeler, Naruto Uzumaki, Mai Valentine (voiced by BoobsMcbalrog), Rafael, Alister, Valon, Duke Devlin, Rebecca Hawkins (voiced by Erika Harlacher), Arthur Hawkins, Seto Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba

Running time: 11:58

TranscriptEdit

CAPTION: PREVIOUSLY ON CARD GAMES

TRISTAN: Previously, on Duel Masters.

(cut to final scene of previous episode)

TÉA: It looks like Ironheart and Skye were spirits that once fought against Dartz in a battle between Duel Monsters and Orichalcos Soldiers thousands of years before...

YAMI: (over Téa's speech) Téa, Téa, Téa. Will I have to remember any of this?

TÉA: It'll probably get brought up again later on in the season.

YAMI: (leaves) Okay, thank God, because I really wasn't listening to any of that. Any of it.

CAPTION: NOW ON CARD GAMES

TRISTAN: This time, on Pokémon: Johto Journeys...

(cut to valley)

YAMI: By the armpit hair of Amun-Ra! I can't believe we're actually climbing up the side of this cliff!

TÉA: It's the quickest way to get back to the train tracks!

YAMI: You know, back in my day, I would just had my slaves construct some sort of ladder apparatus before-- (a vulture attacks Yami off-screen) Gah!

TÉA: Are you okay?

YAMI: There's a vulture! It's trying to take my Millennium Puzzle!

TÉA: Fight back, Pharaoh!

YAMI: F*cking birds! I command you to shoo! (vulture apparently leaves) There we go. Okay. (climbs up to the top of the cliff)

TÉA: Are you alright, Pharaoh?

YAMI: Yes, Téa, I'm fine. Now I have to go back down there and challenge that vulture to a card game.

TÉA: You know you really don't have to do that.

YAMI: You're right. I should be the bigger man. Besides, it's a vulture. It probably doesn't even have a Deck.

TÉA: Actually, I think can see a tiny, bird-sized Duel Disk on its wing.

YAMI: Okay, f*ck it, I'm going back down there. (climbs back down) Alright, vulture. It's time to Duel! (vulture attacks Yami) No! That's my hair! Téa, get it out of my hair!

(opening sequence)

(cut to Joey and Tristan on the train tracks, with the former struggling to carry Rex on his back)

JOEY: I can't...believe...we're spending...this whole filler arc...carrying Rex Raptor's dead body around with us. Nyeh... (collapses)

TRISTAN: We gotta keep going, Joey. Just think, Yugi could be in real danger.

JOEY: My friend Yugi is in danger? (starts running, with Tristan following behind) I gotta help my Yug, eehh!!

(episode pauses; Naruto pops up on the right side of the screen)

NARUTO: And that's what happened in the Japanese version! Let's see how it was translated!

(episode rewinds to just after Joey collapses)

TRISTAN: We gotta keep going, Joey. Just think, when we get home, I will buy you a pizza.

JOEY: A freakin' pepperoni pizza? (starts running) Aw man, I gotta get that pizza; I'm from New York, nyeeeeeeh!

(episode pauses; Naruto appears again)

NARUTO: And that's why the dub is always superior! Now let's see what the villains are doing! I hope they're eating pizza!

(cut to Paradius)

MAI: Listen up, you bozos! I don't need any help taking down Joey Wheeler!

RAFAEL: Yeah, we know. You're a strong, independent woman who don't need no man.

MAI: Was that...sarcasm?

RAFAEL: No. Totally serious.

ALISTER: Rafael just has the voice of someone from a William S. Burroughs novel.

MAI: What?

RAFAEL: I'm difficult to read.

MAI: Well, you should try my new book! I call it, "Stay Out of my Way: The Mai Valentine Story." And hey, it even has pictures, like this one of me walking out like the queen that I am! (leaves, then flips her hair) Dramatic hair flip.

ALISTER: I don't think that's a real book.

(cut to Mai driving her motorcycle)

MAI: Crap! I was so busy declaring my independence in there that I forgot to ask for directions! Fortunately, this is season 4, so no matter which way I go, the plot will eventually find me.

VALON: (driving in front of Mai) Oi, Mai!

MAI: Called it. Wait, is that moron actually trying to play "chicken" with me? Big mistake. See, maybe the Mai Valentine from season 1 would have fallen for this, but me? I. Don't. Quit. (she and Valon hit the brakes just before their motorcycles crash) Enough games! What do you want?

VALON: Games? Nah, mate, I just totally forgot that you drive on the other side of the road out 'ere.

MAI: Why can't you take a hint? One sec. (removes her helmet) Dramatic hair flip. I'm not interested in you.

VALON: Yeah, I know. You've only got eyes for Joey Wheeler. Tell me, Mai, what's he got that I haven't got? Is it his dashing good looks? His exotic accent? His ability to be calm under pressure?

MAI: Have you...met Joey?

(cut to an exhausted Joey)

JOEY: Tristan, you gotta get me that pizza, man, I am freakin' out!

TRISTAN: Okay, Joey, I'm going to level with you: I may have lied about the pizza.

(Joey and Tristan start to argue)

(cut back to Mai and Valon)

VALON: Only briefly. Why?

MAI: No reason.

VALON: Mai, you and I are more alike than we know. I wanna lash out at the world as well. Make everyone else feel the pain that's inside me. But there's no sense in doing it alone. Think how much fun we'd have taking 'em all down together. As lovers.

MAI: Yeah, no, that's not happening.

VALON: Alright, then. As villains with benefits.

MAI: Pretty sure Marik and Bakura have that covered.

VALON: Okay, then how about a good ol'-fashioned f*ck buddy?

MAI: Do you really want a broken arm twice in one season?

(cut to Duke driving Rebecca in their trailer)

DUKE: Okay, so, where are we going again?

REBECCA: Like I said before, we have to catch up with Yugi! My grandpa is the only one who can translate the text from the Atlantean ruins!

DUKE: Okay, so why--

REBECCA: Why aren't we driving on the roads? (cut to Mai and Valon up ahead) Because everyone knows that the fastest way to catch up to a train is driving recklessly across the desert while towing a trailer behind us, duh!

DUKE: No, I mean why--

REBECCA: Why didn't I go with Yugi in the first place? Because like I told you before, my grandfather has a severe phobia of trains! Everybody knows that!

DUKE: No, what I'm trying to say is, why is Mai Valentine standing right over there with that Orichalcos guy?

REBECCA: Huh. You're right; that doesn't make sense. Good thing you pointed that out.

(Duke stops the car and trailer just behind Mai and Valon; Rebecca leaves the car, grabbing her Duel Disk)

DUKE: Rebecca! I'm gonna see if this Duel has valet parking, okay?

REBECCA: You...how dare you! You hurt someone close to me and I'm going to make you pay for it! Let's Duel! (arms her Duel Disk)

ARTHUR: (off-screen) Is everything alright out there, Rebecca?

REBECCA: Go back to sleep, Grandpa!

ARTHUR: Alrighty, then.

DUKE: I can't let you Duel these guys alone, Rebecca! Let's make this a tag-team Duel, playa!

MAI: Oh, I'm not Dueling.

DUKE: Oh, you're not?

MAI: No, I'm not remotely invested in this.

DUKE: Okay, um, can I...cancel me being part of this?

VALON: Too late, mate. You've already activated your Duel Disk. That's some binding contract between card wasicks. That's what we call Duelists in Cockney.

DUKE: Crap weevils! I don't really play this game a lot; I was mostly just trying to be chivalrous.

REBECCA: It's easy, Duke. You Summon monsters and battle using points. It's just like Dungeon Dice Monsters.

DUKE: It's nothing like--wait, what did you say?

REBECCA: Dungeon Dice Monsters, my favorite board game. It plays kinda like that.

DUKE: Okay Rebecca, I know I've said this to a lot of people before, especially Joey's sister, but this time, I mean it. I think I might love you.

VALON: I'll start things off with Psychic Armor Head! It's got no ATK points! You can just kill it.

DUKE: Aw, man, I have no idea what that card does!

REBECCA: If only there was some way to find out!

DUKE: Yeah, like asking what it does.

REBECCA: But we can't do that! That would be rude.

DUKE: I guess we'll never know.

VALON: What a couple o' muppets! That's Cockney for "What a couple of muppets."

DUKE: Dimension the dice! I mean, it's my move! I Summon Orgoth the Relentless! He tried relenting one time, but turns out he can't do it! He is relentless!

REBECCA: And I Summon Luster Dragon #2: Electric Boogaloo!

DUKE: Oh, I get it, 'cause of the movie!

VALON: I sacrifice Psychic Armor Head to Summon Double Cloth Armor! Any attack to this guy causes your monster to be destroyed and makes you lose Life Points equal to half their ATK! You could try it, but is it worth the risk?

DUKE: Well, you know me. I love to gamble. For me, life is a roll of the dice. I like to play the odds. Always bet on Duke. The odds are always in my--

REBECCA: You calling an attack or what?

DUKE: Oh. Sorry. Go, Orgoth! Attack his monster! (Orgoth attacks Double Cloth Armor, with Double Cloth Armor countering the attack and destroying Orgoth with a swift chop)

VALON: I warned him. Now he's going right in the kangaroo pouch! (Double Cloth Armor punches Duke in the gut, dropping him to 1750 LP)

DUKE: Right in the fuzzy dice...

REBECCA: My turn! I sacrifice Luster Dragon #2 to Summon the original Luster Dragon!

DUKE: Not as memorable as the sequel.

VALON: Hold on to your hats with corks dangling from 'em! Because I activate my Trap Card! Magnet Armor! This lets me Summon any Armor themed monster from my Graveyard! So welcome back, Double Cloth Armor!

REBECCA: Oh, fudgicles!

VALON: Looks like your dragon just lost its luster, mates! (Double Cloth Armor destroy Luster with a single kick, then goes for Rebecca)

ARTHUR: Everything alright out there, pumpkin? (Double Cloth Armor kicks Rebecca's Duel Disk, dropping her to 2800 LP) Alright, just wanted to check in. Let me know when we're in Florida.

REBECCA: Son of a bee sting!

VALON: What do you reckon, Mai? Are you impressed? Or would you rather be watching your precious Joey? Let me guess: he's off somewhere fighting bravely to save the world or summin'.

(cut to Joey and Tristan playing Rock-Paper-Scissors)

TRISTAN: Rock-paper-scissors, shoot! (Tristan chooses scissors; Joey chooses paper) Looks like I get the first slice of imaginary pizza! Oh, scissors, you never let me down. Except for that one time that I ran with you.

(cut back to Duel)

MAI: Sure, why not?

REBECCA: Working together with the power of friendship, we were able to Summon Diamond Head Dragon! One more turn, and your robot's decommissioned, you creep!

VALON: Funny you should say that. I was just about taking 'er into the shop for an upgrade! Watch this! (draws his card) I activate one of my most powerful cards!

REBECCA: Oh, no! He's going to use The Seal of Orichalcos!

DUKE: That means if we lose, he'll take my mojo! I won't be able to make it with a woman!

REBECCA: No Duke, it takes people's souls!

DUKE: Oh. Well, that doesn't seem nearly as bad; why is everyone freaking out?

VALON: I activate Armored Gravitation! (lightning strikes overhead as Valon's monsters equip themselves to him)

REBECCA: I can't tell if this is taking a while because it's Yu-Gi-Oh! or it's an anime transformation sequence.

VALON: Eat your heart out, Robot Policeman. That's Cockney for RoboCop. This card's special effect allows me to--oh, who am I kidding? It makes me look really bonkers cool while I kick the shit out of you. (lunges towards Diamond Head Dragon) I'm going to twat your dragon into twat, you twats! (punches Diamond Head Dragon on the chest and twists his fist) Wait for it... (Valon leaps away as Diamond Head Dragon is destroyed, defeating Duke and Rebecca) Anime trope achieved!

ARTHUR: I say, does anybody want a Werther's Original[1]? I've got a whole bag of them in the trailer. Nobody? Well, all the more for me, then.

VALON: I've got a message for your mate Joey Wheeler: Tell him I'm gonna shove me well-oiled robot fist right up his ass. Only make it sound less sexual.

DUKE: Can't promise that, dude.

VALON: So what do you reckon, Mai? Pretty cool, huh?

MAI: (on her motorcycle) Go f*ck yourself! (leaves)

VALON: Huh. I'm getting so many mixed messages from this bird.

(cut to an aurora is in the sky)

YAMI: By the perfectly spherical man-bun of Sekhmet! These colors...they must indicate that the power of the Orichalcos is on the rise!

TÉA: The weather sure is an important plot point in this season.

YAMI: Yeah. Whether or not you watch it...which you should because I'm in it.

(cut to Paradius)

DARTZ: Oh, man, I love the auwawa bowea--bawawawa--bawawa--er, I wike the sky--the sky wainbow.

(cut to a KaibaCorp plane)

PILOT: This is your pilot speaking. We hope you enjoy flying KaibaCorp airways! If you look out your window, you'll see the imminent destruction you know and love. Also, the Grand Canyon!

KAIBA: You know, I really don't see the point of owning my own airway company if I can't make my planes look like dragons. Design flaws, my ass.

MOKUBA: Hey bro, come check this out!

KAIBA: Is it dragons? Are there dragons outside?

MOKUBA: No, it's just really pretty out there!

KAIBA: Then why did you waste my time with it?

PILOT: This is your pilot here to remind you that there is absolutely nothing suspicious going on! (cut to cockpit, where the pilot is revealed to be Alister) Please enjoy your in-flight entertainment, which is a 12-hour marathon of the series, Dragon Tales.

KAIBA: Thanks; that sounds great, I'm going to watch it!

(ending; Dragon Tales theme plays)

CAPTIONS:
[that vulture is still a better villain
than any of the orichalcos guys]

SPECIAL THANKS TO
FullmetalFlam3
Stafan Nelson-Lindal
Robert Roosingh
Laura Wuestner
The Kauffman Family
lauren
Charles Dooley
obeymyshinyrod
Lacrymosai
Wandergirl108
grimmydark
Mura Casardis
Joe

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