← "Mad Mai" #69: "Age/Sex/Life Points" "A Convenient Truth" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Duke Devlin, Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood, Joey Wheeler, Mai Valentine (voiced by BoobsMcBalrog), Tristan Taylor, Téa Gardner, Yugi Muto, Seto Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba, Valon, Rafael, Duel opponent, announcer, bystanders, Dartz, Dark Magician Girl (voiced by Nowacking)

Running time: 11:43


YAMI: This is a Joey episode! If you're not from Brooklyn, we recommend watching with subtitles.

(cut to destroyed gas station)

DUKE: (SexyBack plays in background) Whoa, what happened here? I've made women's ovaries explode before, but this is something else.

REX: Uhuhuhuhuhuh. Maybe somebody farted. Uhuhuhuhuh.

WEEVIL: Yeah, heheheheheh. Or maybe there was a fire. Fire, fire, yeah! Heheheheheh-heheheheheh-heheheh.

DUKE: That seems like a logical conclusion.

WEEVIL: Yeah, heheheh. Logic rules!

(Duke glances over to a card in the middle of a motorcycle wreckage)

DUKE: Whoa, a Duel Monsters card. Yugi must have been here.

REX: Uh, but like, everyone in our world plays card games.

WEEVIL: Heheh, yeah, that could have been anybody.

DUKE: No, it had to be Yugi. I know the back of his cards like I know the back of the last girl I was with.

WEEVIL: Wait, how come you know the back of--oh...

(Rex and Weevil start laughing as they and Duke leave the scene)

(opening sequence)

(cut to Industrial Illusions, in the middle of Joey's and Mai's Duel. Mai has Summoned two Harpie Ladies)

JOEY: Mai, come on, I don't wanna Duel you! You're my friend! And when I beat you, that means you lose your soul.

MAI: What makes you think you'd win?

JOEY: Well, to be fair, you don't exactly have the best track record with card games.

TRISTAN: She's lost more games than I have, and I've only played one. Also, I died in the middle of it.

MAI: I've won plenty of card games. My victories just never happen onscreen, is all.

JOEY: Now, Mai, you know the rule: if it didn't happen onscreen, it didn't happen.

MAI: So in other words, since we've never seen your balls drop, we can assume it hasn't happened.

JOEY: (enraged) Hey, hang on!

TRISTAN: (whispering) Is that true, guys? Did Joey's balls not drop yet?

TÉA: I've seen no evidence to suggest otherwise, so yeah, probably.

TRISTAN: That suuuucks.

JOEY: Why is everyone talking about my balls?

MAI: Now imagine spending three seasons with everyone talking about your breasts. "Mai's breasts this, Mai's breasts that." It's infuriating! I'm more than an impressive pair of ha-ha's. I'm Mai Valentine, and I'm going to rip your soul from your cold, dead, balls.

JOEY: Again with the balls!

YUGI: (appears next to Yugi as a spirit) I'm super-special worried about Joey, Pharaoh. What if he goes through with this and ends up losing his soul?

YAMI: Eh, souls aren't real.

YUGI: Come again?

YAMI: I've been around a long time and I've never seen anything to suggest souls are a thing.

YUGI: You're kidding, right?

YAMI: Look, if you believe in the concept of a soul, Yugi, that's cool, I respect that, but it's dumb and you are also dumb for thinking it.

MAI: Quit stalling, Wheeler! The sooner my Harpie Ladies and Harpie's Pet Dragon finish you off, the sooner I can move on with my life.

JOEY: Wait, your Harpies have a pet dragon?

(cut to Harpie's Pet Dragon)

MAI: 10 out of 10 for observation. I've had that card for, what, four seasons now?

JOEY: What kind of self-respecting dragon lets itself be owned by a freakin' Harpie?

MAI: I don't know. What kind of self-respecting dragon lets itself be owned by a loser like Kaiba?

JOEY: Heh, you got a point there. Kaiba's a dork.

(cut to Kaiba flying his Blue-Eyes White Dragon jet with Mokuba)

KAIBA: Mokuba, my douche-senses are telling me that Joey is mocking me somewhere.

MOKUBA: Should I remind you to tell him to go f*ck himself when we get there?

KAIBA: See that you do.

(cut to Yami and Yugi)

YUGI: If souls aren't real, how are you standing right here 5,000 years after you died?

YAMI: Lots of stamina.

YUGI: Stamina?!

YAMI: Yup. Got oodles of it.

YUGI: But you're from ancient Egypt. Didn't you all believe in that wacky stuff?

YAMI: Oh, way to paint my entire culture with one broad stroke, Yugi. We didn't all believe in life after death. If anything, it was comforting not to think about it. Imagine how pissed my slaves would be in the afterlife.

YUGI: I guess you're right. Some of the stuff you guys believed in was pretty nuts. You guys probably would have believed that a God was, I don't know, half-crocodile, half-hippopotamus, and half-lion.

YAMI: Don't you insult Ammut. He will eat you with his crocodile face.

VALON: Come on, Mai! Take Wheeler's soul down under! To hell, I mean! Not Australia, which is where I'm from!

RAFAEL: You know you're supposed to be British, right?

VALON: What?

RAFAEL: In the original dub, he was trying to do like, a Cockney thing, but everyone thought it sounded Australian, so it was confusing.

VALON: But I had so many more jokes about koalas!

RAFAEL: Really? You prepared a lot of koala jokes?

VALON: Well, okay, one joke.

RAFAEL: What was it?

VALON: Well, I'm not telling it now, am I?

JOEY: Mai, snap out of it! I refuse to accept that this is the new you! Except the sexy leather outfit; I can accept that just fine, but the whole being evil thing? Unacceptable!

MAI: You better get used to it, hun. Because this is me now.

JOEY: But why? What happened to make you turn to the dwork side?

MAI: I'll tell you, since you took an interest in something other than my chest for once. (flashback; Mai activates Fairy's Hand Mirror, then equips Harpie Lady with Cyber Shield. It attacks and destroys the opponent's Tri-Horned Dragon) After Battle City, I tried making a name for myself on the Duel Circuit. I took on all comers and knocked them on their asses. Thousands upon thousands flocked from miles around to watch me play what was essentially an elaborate game of Uno.

ANNOUNCER: And the winner by means of spamming the sh*t out of an OP card like Mirror Force: Mai Valentine!

(Mai leaves)

MAI: (narrating) But it wasn't enough. People mocked me! Me! Someone who dedicated their life to being kind of good at a trading card game.

(cut to bystanders)

MALE BYSTANDER: I can't believe you got your ass kicked by Mai Valentine!

OPPONENT: I know! She couldn't even beat Joey Wheeler! And he's shit!

JOEY: (voiceover) Okay, did you have to include the part of the story where they insulted me?

MAI: (voiceover) It's integral to the story.

JOEY: (voiceover) Fine. Continue.

MAI: (narrating) I was at the end of my rope. All I had was money, fame, friends, and more money. But I felt so empty... except for my wallet; that was still cram-full of money.

(Mai braces herself as a motorcycle light flashes in front of her)

VALON: Crikey, love! What you doin' hangin' out back here like some daft pommie bastard?

MAI: Leave me alone!

VALON: Not likely! Giving up is for chumps like that shithead Joey Wheeler! I'm taking you to Dartz. He'll show you true power, you dag!

JOEY: (voiceover) Hey, come on, enough with the slander already!

(cut to Dartz's lair)

MAI: (narrating) He took me to his master. He promised to make me one of the most powerful Duelists known to man. At least I... think he did.

DARTZ: I pwomise to make you one of the most powaful Duelists known to mayn, mayn. Way better than that wookie, Joey Wheewer. He's such shyet.

(flashback interrupted; beat as Joey stares)

MAI: You're not gonna complain this time?

JOEY: Why, did he mention me or somethin'?

(continue flashback)

DARTZ: I bestow unto you the gift of the Orichalcamalos! And now your journey towards the dark side is compwete. (laughs as he initiates Mai into the Orichalcos)

(end flashback)

MAI: Dartz made me stronger, sexier, and even better at card games.

JOEY: Oh, did he give you even more expensive perfume to spray on your Deck?

MAI: That was one time. Besides, last I heard, you've been using that strategy ever since.

JOEY: I can neither confirm nor deny that.

TÉA: Hey! That explains what keeps happening to all my perfume!

TRISTAN: (offscreen) And that explains why you stink so bad!

TÉA: We just walked through a desert, Tristan! A little swamp pass is forgivable!

TRISTAN: Deserts aren't swamps! You're stupid, Téa.

(cut to Duke, Rex, and Weevil arriving at Industrial Illusions)

DUKE: Here we are. Industrial Illusions. You know, I came here five years ago with my Dungeon Dice Monsters game and they rejected it, saying it would never be as popular as Duel Monsters, but I went out and did it anyway. And guess what? I sell at least five copies of the game every month, so who's laughing now, Pegasus? (runs into the building)

(cut to Rex and Weevil overwhelmed, laughing)

REX: Roadhead.

DUKE: Hey, guys! What's going on in there?

TRISTAN: Joey and Mai Valentine are playing a card game, and the winner takes the loser's soul.

DUKE: You know, for the record, there hasn't been a single person sent to the Shadow Realm as a result of playing Dungeon Dice Monsters.

TRISTAN: That's 'cause no one plays it. Also, it's the same exact game.

DUKE: No, Tristan! Because it's not! Dungeon Dice Monsters uses dice!

JOEY: I activate my Trap Card, Skull Dice, a card that very specifically requires a dice to play it!

DUKE: Oh God, look at the time; I have to be somewhere. (runs away crying)

MAI: Now I activate Harpie Lady Phoenix Formation! (Mai's card destroys Joey's Panther Warrior and Sheep Tokens)

(everyone gasps, starting from Joey, Téa, Tristan, and finally Valon)


MAI: It's over, Wheeler. Just like the Harpie Ladies, I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my life and burn away all ties to my weak, so-called "friends", starting with you.

JOEY: (thinking) Aw, man. (glances at his Duel Disk, which reads that he has 200 LP left) I don't have a monster in my Deck that could possibly help save both my soul and Mai's.

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Yes you do, Joey!

JOEY: No, I don't!

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Yes, you do! (Joey's Deck glows)

JOEY: I don't!

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Dude, just freakin' look at your Deck already.

JOEY: Wheh? (is transported to the castle in the Duel Monsters Spirit World) What is this?

YAMI: (is transported to the same place with Joey) What happened? Is somebody taking the hobbits to Isengard?

JOEY: Where the crap is this place?

YAMI: This is the dominion of the beasts, Joey. Only the spirits of monsters live here. And occasionally, half-naked busty blondes who dress like wizards. Sexy wizards.

JOEY: Hey, a sword. I can stab people with this. (grabs the sword and tries to pull it off)

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: You are the one, Joey! The one to hold power over The Claw of Hermos! (Hermos frees himself from his crystal prison)

JOEY: A dragon?! I can't stab people with that! (Joey returns to the real world) And now, I Summon my new friend, Hermos!

MAI: What?! Hermos?

VALON: He wha—? He shouldn't even have that card!

RAFAEL: You shouldn't even have that voice.

JOEY: And now I'm gonna use my Time Wizard to transform my Hermos into an even more powerful monster! (Hermos absorbs Time Wizard as all bystanders gasp, except for Yami)

YAMI: I still DGAF.

(the light fades, revealing the new fusion as a toy mallet)

JOEY: What the hell is this?

YUGI: Hey, Pharaoh, you should say, "Is that a mallet in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

YAMI: But there is nothing in Joey's pocket.

YUGI: No, right, but it'll be funny.

YAMI: I fail to see the humor in misplaced woodworking equipment.

YUGI: It's just a wisecrack, Pharaoh.

YAMI: Next time Yugi, a little more wise, and a little less crack.

(cut to Duke in the control room)

DUKE: Looks like this is the control room. If I can trick their security system into having cybersex with me, it probably won't notice me unlocking the doors. (Duke types into a Skype chat with Industrial Illusions Security System) "Hey, baby, Age Sex Location."

JOEY: The joke's on you, Mai! My Fiend Megacyber uses my stupid cartoon mallet thing to break a hole in the space-time continuum, causing all your monsters to get sucked through a black hole and allowing me to attack you directly! And the best part is, I have no idea how I did any of this.

MAI: Do you even read the descriptions on your cards?

JOEY: Wait, there are words on these things?

VALON: I can't koala bear to watch Mai lose her soul!

RAFAEL: Seriously? That was your one koala joke?

VALON: (leaps from the balcony) Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport! I call upon the power of the Orichalcos to break the seal!


(Valon succeeds in breaking the seal, knocking Téa and Tristan back)

YAMI: I continue to DGAF.

(cut to an unconscious Mai)

VALON: Don't worry, Mai. You're okay. Much like Australia, the place I come from, which has the second highest human development index in the world.

RAFAEL: You're still supposed to be British.

VALON: Rack off, mate! Now 'urry up and get us outta here before they 'ave time to ask us why we need motorcycles when we can teleport! (Rafael uses his Orichalcos stone to teleport himself and his allies out of the building)

YAMI: Curses! Just as I was about to ask about that! (he and his friends cover their eyes in front of the blinding light) (standing in front of an unconscious Joey, thinking) Joey's hurt. And somebody should probably go to him and make sure he's okay. Oh God, do people expect it to be me? Everyone must be staring at me thinking, "Why doesn't Yami go over and check on his best friend, Joey?" Eh... fine. (walks up to Joey) I guess I'll-- (he takes a step, but Tristan and Téa are the first to run to Joey)

TRISTAN: Joey, old pal! Are you okay?

TÉA: Check his pulse, Tristan!

YAMI: Oh thank God, someone else is doing it. (Téa and Tristan check on Joey)

JOEY: For the record, that still counts as me winning the Duel.

KAIBA: For the record, Wheeler, you don't count for anything.

(Kaiba and Mokuba enter the building)

YAMI: Kaiba! When did you get here?

KAIBA: I don't know. Mokuba, check my schedule.

MOKUBA: Already did. By the way, it's time for your 4 o'clock telling Joey to go f*ck himself.

KAIBA: Good point. Hey, Wheeler.

JOEY: Beh?

KAIBA: Go f*ck yourself.

JOEY: Deh.

KAIBA: I'm nothing if not punctual.

(ending; Respect by Aretha Franklin plays)

[nah, but seriously, Joey ain't a
great duelist]

JOEY: (over music) Aw, come on, I just won! Kinda.

(stinger; cut to Duke having cybersex with the security system)

DUKE: (speaks as he types) "...into your USB drive." Huh. It's asking me if I know any erotic games.

CAPTION: edited by Elite3

DUKE: "Do you know how to play Dungeon Dice Monsters?" The game that's just like Duel Mons-- Okay, how do I unplug this thing?

(fade to black, further credits)

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