← "Dork Side Of The Moon" #35: "A Tale Of Two Tournies" "The Man Who Would Be Steve" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami, Mokuba, Kaiba, Pegasus, Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Kemo, Mai, Weevil, Téa, Bakura, Bandit Keith, Paradox Brothers, Yami Bakura, Shadi, Rebecca, Duke Devlin, Marik, Ishizu, Rare Hunter Steve, Espa Roba, Steve Arkana, Strings, Gozaburo Kaiba, Naruto

Date: 7 March 2009

Running Time: 6:58



YAMI: It was the best of card games, it was the worst of card games.

Inside helicopter

MOKUBA: According to the computer, it should take us exactly one episode to reach our destination.

KAIBA: An entire episode just sitting in a helicopter? How the hell are we going to pass the time?

YAMI: Well, we could either play a card game...

KAIBA: Without super-advanced holograms? Are you out of your mind?

YAMI: Or we could flashback to previous episodes in an attempt to save the animators time and money.

KAIBA: Wouldn't that just piss off all our viewers and send our ratings plummeting into the ground?

YAMI: Yup.

KAIBA: Let's do it.

Title Sequence

YAMI: Say, Kaiba. Do you remember the first time you and I met?

KAIBA: Actually, no. You did that Mind Crush thing to me, so everything's sort of a blur. In fact, I kind of think you gave me brain damage.

YAMI: Well, I do. It was a long time ago, when the video quality wasn't very good, and the audio was all muffled and scratchy.

Flashback to Episode 1. It is in the form of a silent movie and Kaiba has a mustache and monocle.

'Your brash nature offends me,
Mr. Moto! I shall soon put an
end to your impertinence!'

'You have assembled several

'Surely this is a violation?'

'My affluence makes a
nonsense of the regulations!'

(End flashback; cut back to the helicopter.)

KAIBA: Huh. I don't remember ever growing a mustache. But I do remember when Pegasus held the Duelist Kingdom tournament.

(Flashback to Pegasus's castle)

PEGASUS: I'm going to host an official card game tournament on my own private island. And there's not a damn thing Konami can do about it.


(Scene cuts to Yugi's house.)

YUGI: (pulls out a video cassette) What is this strange device?

JOEY: I believe it's called a video tape.

PEGASUS: (Pegasus in the TV) I'm in your TV, kidnapping your grandpa. (grandpa with his hands on the TV)


YUGI: We have to go rescue him!

TRISTAN: I'm the Jar Jar Binks of this show.

KEMO: Attention Duelists! My hair is now an internet phenomenon!

MAI: The name's Mai Valentine, no relation to Faye Valentine.

WEEVIL: Exodia go down the hole. Hehhehheh!


PEGASUS: Let the Duelist Kingdom Tournament begin!

TÉA: Did anyone else just notice how Yugi suddenly got a lot bigger?

TRISTAN: I get bigger sometimes, too. My mom says it's perfectly natural for a boy my age.

JOEY: I gotta win this tournament for my loli sister, Serenity.


KAIBA: Losing a children's card game has caused me to have an existential crisis.

(Bodyguards appear at the door with invisible guns)

BODYGUARD 1: Freeze, or we'll shoot you.

KAIBA: Go right ahead.

BODYGUARD 2: Bang, bang!! Ba-dow, ba-dow, ba-dow!! Bang!!

KAIBA: Oh, no. You got me.

BODYGUARD 1: Hey, stop making fun of our invisible guns.


BODYGUARD 1: Larry, stop it.


GAY CLOWN: I am the ghost of Seto Kaiba.

YAMI: Yeah, well I'm Knuckles the Echidna.

KAIBA: I'm the goddamn Kaibaman.


BAKURA: I'm here to join you on your adventure. I hope you don't mind, but I brought my fan-girls with me.

(Cut to millions of fan-girls in white shirts screaming)

JOEY: God, it's like hanging out with the Jonas Brothers.


JOEY: (to Kaiba) I hate you, Kaiba.

KAIBA: And I despise you, Wheeler.

[fangirl interpretation: they must be in wuv!]


(Zombie Boy, Sid, and Zygor roll an enormous rock over a cave's entrance, trapping Yugi and his friends inside.)

BANDIT KEITH: That outta show those no-good terrorists.


PARA: When we're through with you, you will want to submit.

DOX: If you ask me, this clip show is a pile of horseshi--


KAIBA: Yugi, if you don't let me win this duel, I'll kill myself.

YAMI: (sarcastically) Oh no, that would be terrible. What ever would we do without you?

TRISTAN: Yousa tinkin yousa people gonna die?

YAMI: Shut up, Tristan.


YUGI: Losing a children's card game has caused me to have an existential crisis!

TÉA: I have prepared a friendship speech for such an occasion...

YUGI: Never mind, I'm all better now.


PEGASUS: Woohoohoohoohoo!! If I weren't so very camp, I'd probably make a credible villain.

YAMI: You wanna know the main flaw in your evil plan, Pegasus? You based it around a f***ing card game... for children!!

PEGASUS: Oh, poopie!!


YAMI BAKURA: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with I. Guess what? It's your eye.

PEGASUS: But that doesn't start with...

(Yami Bakura removes Pegasus's Millennium Eye)

TÉA: It turns out that Pegasus was just trying to bring back his dead wife. I guess that kinda makes up for all the horrible stuff he put us through.

YUGI:...Not really.

SHADI: Allow me to bamboozle you with my cryptic nonsense that won't pay off for about five seasons.

YUGI: Hey, I just realized, I don't even know your name.

YAMI: My name is Yami.

CAPTION (with audio of Lex Luthor shouting "WROOOOOOONG!"): [lol, 4kids!]

End flashbacks

MOKUBA: How come I don't remember any of this?

KAIBA: Because you were a trading card at the time.

YAMI: Well, I'm sure you couldn't possibly forget what happened after Duelist Kingdom...

Flashback starts


REBECCA: This is my best friend, Teddy. Pull his cord and he says an evil backwards message!

TEDDY: (this message backwards) You've got way too much time on your hands!

REBECCA: Squeeze his paw and he spews blood!


KAIBA: The graphics for my Duel Monsters video game are incredible! It's just a shame about the Nintendo Wii version.


DUKE: (SexyBack plays in the background) I'm Duke Devlin. Worship me, won't you?

YAMI: Musn't... look... directly... at his face... So beautiful... no words to describe it!... They should have sent a poet.

Flashback ends

KAIBA: These flashbacks are making me airsick.

YAMI: Hey, do you guys remember the first episode of season 2?

KAIBA: Oh God. I'm gonna open a window.

Flashback starts


BANDIT KEITH: I'm taking this Egyptian artifact back to America! Where it belongs!

MARIK: Secretly, unbeknownst to Yugi, I am in control of Bandit Keith's mind. Also, I'm not wearing any underwear.

BANDIT KEITH: Yah! I don't wanna be an American idiot.

YAMI BAKURA: I have placed my soul inside the Millennium Puzzle. Because apparently, I can do that.


ISHIZU: Allow me to explain everything.

KAIBA: Your exposition is nothing but a load of crap. But your God Cards are very impressive.


TRISTAN: Serenity's hot!

JOEY: She mah sister!

TRISTAN: She's still hot, asshole!

YUGI: Hey Téa, since I almost died in the previous episode, would you go on a pity date with me?

TÉA: Finally, a genuine excuse to dress like a slut.

YAMI: Epic pouting maneuver.


ISHIZU: Allow me to explain everything. Again.

YAMI: I instantly believe you.

ISHIZU: By the way, your name is definitely Yami.

CAPTION ("WROOOOOOONG!" gets shouted again): [4kids'd]

KAIBA: My Battle City tournament will rock your face off. Only the best duelists in the world get to compete, even though more than half of the competitors are the losers from Duelist Kingdom.


JOEY: That Rare Hunter stole my Red Eyes.

YAMI: Give Joey back his Red Eyes!


YAMI: Here you are, Joey.

JOEY: I don't want it any more.

YAMI: God! Make up your mind.


ROBA: I have tremendous psychic powers!

JOEY: Stop yelling at me!

ROBA: What? This is my normal speaking voice.


(Arkana and Yami singing "Magical Trevor 4" as their Dark Magicians attack and destroy each other.)


TRISTAN (to Joey during his duel with Weevil): This is a bug hunt, Joey! A bug hunt! Game over, man! Game over!


MARIK (as Strings): I have no personality whatsoever. Cower before my blandness!


YAMI BAKURA: We should be partners.

MARIK: You mean like partners in crime?

YAMI BAKURA: Yeah, that's precisely what I meant.


YAMI: Marik has kidnapped my friends!

KAIBA: Then let's get inside this helicopter and go rescue them!

Flashbacks end

YAMI: And then we got inside the helicopter.

KAIBA: Yeah, those were some good times. Feels like it was just last week.

YAMI: Indeed, and now we're going to save my friends, if my name isn't Yami.

KAIBA: Hey Yugi, remember when this episode began?

Flashback starts

Intro sequence plays again

Cut to logo with "You'll Never Stop The Abridged" (to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire) playing in the background

[this episode is dedicated to everyone out there making their own abridged series]


GOZABURO KAIBA: I... drink... your... milkshake! (sucking sound) I drink it up!


YAMI: Hey Kaiba, remember when I cameoed on Naruto the Abridged Series?

Flashback starts

NARUTO: Hey, Sasuke, in the English Dub, I sound like I smoke too much! Believe it!

YAMI: (with Sasuke behind him) Hey, when do I get paid for this?

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