← "Age/Sex/Life Points" #70: "A Convenient Truth" "The Break-Up" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Duke Devlin, Seto Kaiba, Joey Wheeler, Téa Gardner, Tristan Taylor, Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood, Maximillion Pegasus (hologram), Mokuba Kaiba, Mai Valentine, Rafael, Valon, Rebecca Hawkins, Arthur Hawkins, bikers, Yugi Muto

Running time: 10:30


YAMI: Thanks for putting down Pokémon GO for two seconds to watch this video.

(cut to Pegasus' private compound; Yami and co. walk into a room)

DUKE: (SexyBack plays in background) Here it is, guys. I seduced the computer into telling me where Pegasus is. This room is the only place he could possibly be.

YAMI: She didn't give you any nasty STD drives, did she? Eh? Get it? Computers?

DUKE: Leave the bad sex jokes to the professionals, Yugi.

KAIBA: So how do we get in?

YAMI: Simple. Pegasus sent me this card in the mail. Now stand back and let the King of Doors handle this. Boo-yah! (swipes the card into the scanner, but it fails to work) Hang on, let me try again. Boo-yah! (tries again, with the same result) Hmm... it appears my boo-yah'ing has no effect.

JOEY: Hey, try flipping the card a different way and then swipe it.

YAMI: I got this, Joey. Boo-yah! (swipes the card, but it fails)

JOEY: You just swiped it the same way as before.

YAMI: No, I didn't. Boo-yah! (swipes the card; nothing happens)

JOEY: Again, you just did it again, the same way as before...

YAMI: (ignores Joey and swipes the card to no effect) Boo-yah! Maybe if I try whispering it. (whispers) Boo-yah.

(cut to other side of the door)

TÉA: Try wrapping it in a plastic bag and then swipe it. That always works.

YAMI: We don't have one of those, Téa!


YAMI: I don't. Boo-yah!

(cut back to Yami and co.)

JOEY: Look, just let someone else try it.

YAMI: Oh yeah, I'm sure that when you try to do what I'm doing, that will (rolls his eyes) magically fix it. That makes sense.

JOEY: Well, there's no need to be sarcastic, I was trying to--

YAMI: (swipes the card and fails once again) Boo-yah!

KAIBA: Try believing in the heart of the cards.

(everyone laughs)

(opening sequence)

(Tristan successfully opens the door.)

TRISTAN: Boo-yah!

JOEY: Nice one, Tristan. How'd you get the door open?

YAMI: He must have used some manner of dark sorcery.

TRISTAN: No, I just flipped the card the other way.

YAMI: Quiet, you sorcerer!

(lights turn on, revealing various Duel Monsters decorations)

WEEVIL: Whoa! This place rules! Heheheh.

REX: Yeah. Uhuhuh. We could film a crappy '90s music video here. (with Weevil) Breakin' the law, breakin' the law! Breakin' the law, breakin' the law!

(everyone glances at Kaiba)

KAIBA: Don't look at me; I didn't bring them.

(a hologram of Pegasus appears)

PEGASUS: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi-boy. You're my only hope.

YAMI: Pegasus!

KAIBA: No, it's just a hologram.

YAMI: Impossible! He can't just Summon himself to the field; it's not even his turn yet! Disqualification!

PEGASUS: If you're seeing this, Yugi-boy, it means I'm either dead, leaving behind a very fabulous-looking corpse, or my soul has been captured by the leader of the Orichalcos.

KAIBA: The leader of the Orichalcos, huh? That guy sure is mysterious.

YAMI: I wonder who he is?

KAIBA: Who cares, Yugi?

PEGASUS: He's the one who has been orchestrating all these monster attacks across the world. I first learned of him when he tried to take over my company.

KAIBA: Interesting. Someone tried to take over KaibaCorp, too. Fascinating.

YAMI: Whoever he is, he must be made to pay.

KAIBA: Who cares, Yugi?

PEGASUS: His name is Dartz, and he plans to amass enough souls to summon the Great Leviathan and lay waste to all mankind.

KAIBA: Wow, Dartz. This guy sure is a piece of work. I care a lot about all of this information.

YAMI: Huh.


PEGASUS: The only way to defeat him is with a special card that I've hidden somewhere in this room. Think strategically, though. Where can one find an extra card?

YAMI: Well, that's obviously Pot of Greed over there.

KAIBA: How can you be so sure? Nobody even knows what Pot of Greed does!

YAMI: And neither do I. But I can tell it's that one because it's animated differently than the rest of the stuff in here.

(Tristan finds the card in the Pot of Greed replica)

TRISTAN: That's weird. It's just a blank card with nothing on it.

YAMI: Maybe it had something very kinky on it and 4Kids had to censor it.

KAIBA: Speaking of kinky stuff, I'm just glad this Pegasus hologram can't flirt with me like the real one.

PEGASUS: I also hid a special surprise for Kaiba-boy somewhere on my person. If he wants it, he has to come get it.

KAIBA: I hope it's another rare card.

PEGASUS: No, it's my di-

(Kaiba and Mokuba abruptly leave on their Blue-Eyes White Dragon jet)

TÉA: Wow, he did not wanna stick around.

TRISTAN: You think he's going to get Pegasus' special surprise?

YAMI: I'll leave that up to the fanfic authors.

TÉA: So that's settled, right? We have to find Dartz.

TRISTAN: Maybe we should check a British pub. They're always playing darts in those things.

YAMI: Hold up, ya'll! Rebecca's grandfather Professor Hawkins was conveniently studying ancient Atlantis right before all this bru-ha-ha. We should go visit him.

TRISTAN: Guys, my joke about pubs.

TÉA: But how are we supposed to find him? He could be literally anywhere.

YAMI: It's okay. I randomly know his home address.

TRISTAN: See, 'cause it's funny 'cause "darts"-

YAMI: And he just happens to live a few hours away in a mansion in a desert.

TRISTAN: It's also a game you play--

DUKE: A lot of convenient shit just happened real fast.

YAMI: It's season 4. You get used to it.

TRISTAN: --in a pub.

(cut to desert; Mai is enraged at Rafael and Valon)

MAI: What the hell were you thinking?! I had Wheeler right where I wanted him and you interfered!

RAFAEL: Back off, lady. He saved your soul and this is how you repay him?

VALON: Nah, mate, it's fine. I can stand up for meself... (stands up, then falls) I guess I can't stand up for meself.

MAI: From now on, both of you, stay out of my way!

RAFAEL: You have no idea of the danger you're in.

VALON: Okay, I'm back up. (rises, then falls)

RAFAEL: That dragon Wheeler Summoned? It's an ancient monster that can only be controlled by a chosen Duelist.

VALON: (struggling to stand up) Hang a tick, let me--waugh! (falls) Never mind.

MAI: Are you serious? It's a trading card! There's no destiny involved! It's about who's stronger! Any man can wave that fancy dragon card around and act tough!

RAFAEL: Not all men.

(beat; Mai angrily drives off and Valon succeeds in standing up)

RAFAEL: I can see why you like her, Valon. She's as wild as she is determined.

VALON: Yeah, and she's got a nice bum.

RAFAEL: That, too.

(Valon falls down again)

(cut to Rebecca riding her horse)

REBECCA: Whoa, Copernicus! I sure love living in the middle of the desert with my stuffy old grandpa who spends all his time reading books. Maybe one day, I'll know what it's like to have an actual friend! (giggles) I wonder what important research my grandpa's doing today?

(cut to Arthur doing research in his office)

ARTHUR: Eureka! This proves my theory! Magnifying glasses make stuff look bigger! Now where's that copy of Giant Gozongas Monthly?

REBECCA: Life couldn't be more peaceful.

BIKERS: (from overhead) We're bikers. We're bikers. We're bikers. We're bikers. Occasionally we fly helicopters and kidnap old men, but mostly we're bikers.

REBECCA: That must be one of those black government helicopters my grandpa is always posting about on the Internet... only painted white!

ARTHUR: Unhand me, you monsters! (cut to Arthur being kidnapped by the bikers) I'll write a highly unfavorable research paper about you! With inconclusive findings!

BIKER 1: This guy makes me sick. I bet he hasn't ridden a motorcycle in his life!

BIKER 2: Yeah, he probably drives a Vespa.

(all bikers laugh)

BIKER 3: Good one, Todd.

(all bikers climb into the helicopter with Arthur in tow; one of them slams the helicopter door shut)

REBECCA: No! Grandpa! Ride like the wind, Copernicus! (rides toward the helicopter, but the Hawkins mansion explodes behind her, knocking her forward) Great. Our house burned down again. And this time, I can't blame it on my evil teddy bear. At least my parents weren't in there this time.

(evening; Yugi and co. arrive at the burned down mansion)

YUGI: Oh my God! What happened here? Rebecca? Rebecca, where are you?


YUGI: Oh, you were right in front of me the whole time; seriously, how the f*ck did I not see you?

REBECCA: Yugi, my grandpa... he... (cries, running into Yugi and hugging him)

YUGI: There, there, Rebecca. Let me guess, your grandpa tried updating his iPhone and somehow managed to burn the house down. My grandpa does that all the time.

REBECCA: No, Yugi. He was kidnapped, by bikers! I was riding my horse, Copernicus--

YUGI: Copernicus? As in the guy who discovered the sun was the real center of the solar system?

REBECCA: Yes, he loves sugar cubes.

YUGI: The horse or the guy?

REBECCA: My grandpa, Yugi!

YUGI: Your grandpa loves sugar cubes? Kind of random information to be giving me right now, Rebecca, but uh...

REBECCA: He's been kidnapped! You have to help! I don't know what to do without him! (cries into Yugi's chest)

YUGI: I feel like I should be concerned, but I just can't stop thinking about how Copernicus is a stupid name for a horse.

(cut to Rebecca's trailer)

TÉA: Is this some sort of ancient device your grandfather was studying?

REBECCA: That's a kettle.

TÉA: Ke-ttle. We can learn so much from our ancestors.

JOEY: You guys, Dartz must have kidnapped the professor for some reason.

TRISTAN: But, why?

YUGI: Yeah, if they wanted him, they could have challenged him to a Duel and taken his soul.

REBECCA: Oh, my grandpa doesn't have time for children's card games.

YUGI: (with eyes glowing red) The f*ck you say?

REBECCA: I think they were after this. (reveals her Orichalcos stone necklace)

YUGI: The Orichalcos stone.

REBECCA: I turned it into a cute necklace to remember you, my love.

YUGI: You know that thing takes people's souls and I found it on a dead guy, right?

REBECCA: (gives the necklace to Yugi) That just makes it more romantic!


TRISTAN: (off-screen) Who wants food?

(cut to Duke cooking pasta for dinner)

DUKE: (singing to the tune of SexyBack)
I'm making us a snack. Yeah!
That Guy Fieri don't know how to act.

(cut outside)

REBECCA: I'm just so concerned, Yugi.

YUGI: I know. Tristan's voice is weird, but you get used to it.

REBECCA: The people who took my grandpa... they left this note. (hands a card to Yugi)

YUGI: It says they've got your grandfather hostage in Death Valley.

REBECCA: Death Valley? That's like a half hour away!

YUGI: How very convenient. I love Season 4.

REBECCA: But Yugi, how are you going to stop them?

YUGI: Don't worry, Rebecca. I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that allow me to activate Polymerization and fuse two monsters in order to Summon Gaia the Dragon Champion. I will find the people who took your grandpa. And I will beat them in a card game.

REBECCA: You can take Copernicus.

YUGI: Okay, but I refuse to call him that. (cut to Yugi approaching Copernicus) Okay... horse. Time to rescue a guy I interacted with a few times.

YAMI: Hey, Yugi. You should let me take over while we ride the horse.

YUGI: And why would I let you have the big heroic moment?

YAMI: Come on, just while you're getting on. You're way too short to do it by yourself.

YUGI: Fine. But you better let me take over again after we get up there. (gives control of his body to Yami as he gets on Copernicus)

YAMI: Psyche, Yugi! (Passionate Duelists plays as he takes over Yugi's body) Giddy-up, hyah, hyah! (rides off) That was acting, children! Bravo for me!

JOEY: Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh! Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh!

TRISTAN: What is it, boy?

JOEY: Nyeh!

TRISTAN: Rebecca's grandfather is in trouble?

JOEY: Nyeh-nyeh!

TRISTAN: And Yugi went to go rescue him?

JOEY: Nyeh-nyeh!

TRISTAN: Wait, who's that? (cut to Arthur limping back to camp) It's the Professor! And he's conveniently escaped! (Joey attacks Arthur) No! Bad Joey! Put down that nice professor of archaeology! (sternly) Drop him.

ARTHUR: According to my research, I'm in a crapload of pain.

(cut to Yami riding on Copernicus)

YUGI: (telepathically) Hey, Pharaoh. I just wanted you to know, before we Duel the pants off this guy, I'm really happy to call you my partner.

YAMI: (telepathically) Same, Yugi. You know what they say: (singing) You've got a friend in me.

YUGI: (joins in) You've got a friend in me. You've got troubles, and... (both struggle to sing the rest of the song, before ending with, "You've got a friend in me".) Well, we really didn't know that song as well as we thought we did, did we Pharaoh?

YAMI: Yeah, I've never even heard the song. I just started singing it.

(ending; "The Real Folk Blues" from Cowboy Bebop plays)

CAPTION: [See ya, duelist cowboy...]

(stinger; cut to Rebecca's trailer; Joey is eating from the fridge)

TRISTAN: Okay, who let the dog in the fridge again? (Joey turns around, with several sausage links in his mouth; Tristan kicks Joey) Bad Joey! I'm a responsible pet owner.

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